Page 45 of Sinister Hearts
“It’s tradition once we turn nineteen. We go and spend time with our elders, I told you this,” he was seemingly stressed by the conversation.
“Why didn’t you say goodbye?” I asked him as I stood from the couch. “I deserve to know, Jaxon.”
His eyes were begging me to stop, but I couldn’t. I needed to know after all this time. I waited for him to respond, watching him try to find the words. “I just couldn’t, okay, Faye. Please, I don’t want to talk about this,” Jax huffed, attempting to change the subject.
No, he wasn’t going to dodge this question any longer. “Why can't you look at me when it gets brought up?” My skin was sizzling and I was running out of patience, becoming infuriated by his stubbornness.
“There’s so many things,I—” Jax paused before he could speak any word he might choke on.
“You what? Did something happen? You don’t ever talk about your time there. It’s like you’re still hiding from me. I’ve let you in, Jax, why won’t you letmein?” I exclaimed, desperate for any kind of answers from the man I loved so deeply.
Jax looked at me, broken. “There’s nothing to talk about,” he said, turning his face away from me.
“Stop lying to me, Grimwood!” I shouted, standing in his way as he stood from the sofa with pain inflicted upon his face. “I feel it, I can’t explain it, but it keeps me awake at night, Jax, these deafening secrets that are kept between us. Please, look at me!” My skin and fingertips were boiling in a wrath I couldn’t hide any longer.
“Dammit, Faye, we couldn’t just have one night of normalcy, could we? I’m not the only one with secrets, am I?” Jax winced as he eyed me down suspiciously.What the fuck did he know that I didn’t?
“What exactly are you getting at, Jax?” I asked him. Now I was getting angry.
“You picking this fight, when everything has been so good between us, what is this really about? You miss your lavish lifestyle? Is what I give you not enough!” I could sense his immediate regret as the words left his mouth.Wow, the nerve of this man.“If you want a lavish lifestyle, by all means. But that’s not the life I want, it never has been!” I was shocked at his outburst, but I could see the pain. He was wearing it all over his face.
“That’s not what this is at all about, Jaxon, how dare you!” I pointed my finger at his firm chest.
“Fuck, Faye, I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?” Jax’s voice cracked.
A lump formed in my throat, the burn moving to my nasal passages. “That’s not fair, I deserve the truth before we start a life together.” His words shattered me to a million sharp pieces.
“So you’re saying you don’t think that’s possible with me if I don’t tell you these stupid fucking secrets that aren’t even mine to hold?” he rebutted. My confusion was building with his statement. Jax stood from the sofa. “You know what’s not fair, me breaking my back to be there for you this past year, for you tosit here and tell me what I’m giving you isn’t enough.” Jax paced through the living room.
“Jax,I—” I was attempting to deescalate the situation.
“This is who I am, Faye. I come from a family line of Nordic farmers and you know what? I love it, I love what I do. It makes me happy, it gives me purpose!” His words were stern and hard like cement smacking me in my face, leaving its indent.
I stood there in silence, not knowing what to say. “You’ve twisted everything!” I shouted back at him, angry tears wanting to surface.
“I may not be able to give you a million-dollar home, but I would break my back for you and Birdie, I’m sorry that it’s not good enough for you,” he barked at me, a misplaced pain in his eyes.
How did we go from me swallowing his come just ten minutes ago, to this?
“I didn’t realize wanting the truth was such a problem, Jax, what is it that you’re hiding, what is it that you’re so afraid of? All you do is think about yourself! It’s not about just us anymore, it’s about Birdie! If I have to sit here and explain that to you, then maybe this was a mistake.” My voice cracked with each word. I grabbed my purse and put on my boots.
“There she goes, running again. Go ahead, it’s what you always do!” Jax shouted after me.
“Oh, fuck you, Jax!” I croaked.
“You’ve already done that, Faye, literally and figuratively. It’s always fuck me, isn’t it? Who cares about Jaxon. Surely not you!” Jaxon plopped himself back on his sofa, cracking open a soda.
“You are such a fucking child!” I screamed, his windows bursting and shattering on his kitchen floor. A silence too loud for even the both of us. Jax looked at the shards of glass, and then back to me, as if not surprised. Jaxon smirked, gazing at the shattered window. Not a flinch, nothing.
“I’m not the one running, Faye,” he whispered under his breath, refusing to look at me, terrified somehow he would find me out. I made my way to the front door, infuriated with this man.
“You’re scared, Faye, because you’re finally happy, but this…” He pointed to his head and then his chest. “These two are at battle, constantly. You don’t trust me, Faye, and I need you to trust me. Trust me when I tell you, I’m giving you what I can right now.” His tone was broken and soft.
“It’s not enough anymore, Jaxon. How can you sit here and ask me to trust you when you’re keeping things from me?” I questioned, standing by the front door.
“Gods dammit, Faye, because I am trying to protect you, don’t you fucking see that? Don’t you see I would never hurt you?” Jax pleaded with me with his somber, begging eyes.
“Loving someone who keeps things from you hurts.” My words were thrown out like poisoned daggers, my admission taking Jax by surprise as I slipped out the front door.
