Page 21 of Sinister Hearts
The nerve of this cowboy! I waited and waited, and nothing, not a word! Now he sends a three-word letter! I screamed, feeling senile. “This stupid fucking shit-hole!” I screamed, the tears matching my insanity. Who did he think he was? Did he really think I would just drop everything and run to him like a battered little puppy. Fuck that, and fuck him! The outright audacity of him to even be harassing me in my dreams these last few months. Keeping me from my sleep. “¡A la puta verga! (Fucking dick)” I kicked over the trash bin.
I’d had dreams of him making love to me, taking me in my sleep, and I’d wake up needing him and his touch. Longing and yearning for him. The hate mixed with my thick blood. His timing was so fucking immaculate. I laughed. A fucking week. A week ago if I had gotten this letter, would I even be here? I laughed in my melancholy. Regret tugged at my gut, likea crack in my foundation.Would I still have been here?The thought circulated my gray matter. Would I?
I gaped at the boxes of clothes in the articulate city’s mansion. I felt tiny and alone. I continued to unpack my clothes with salty tears escaping my eyes, knowing the decision was already too final to go back. Knowing I had to give this my best shot, otherwise it was all for nothing. I broke like a glass teapot as I cried in this oversized and overstuffed closet. I was surrounded by the most high-end labels and designer name brands, knowing none of it was what my heart truly desired deep down. The name tags and labels meant nothing to me. A waste of space, just like me. Emptiness evaded me like a whirlwind. The price of being loved was so priceless, so costly to the soul. A price I was paying now.
Here I was, at the entrance of the Grimwood’s. Their house was still a Gothic barndominium dream, just like I remembered. Its brick pillars and tall black walls were a Gothic farm dream. The property was full of roaming cattle and so much farmland that wasn’t even occupied. I sat in my car feeling indifferent. I knew what I had to do, but a part of me was fearful to do it. Plus, he gave Ma a great deal on that meat and theagreement was dinner. I convinced myself there was no other reason to be here.
I drove past the tall steel Grimwood sign, slow and steady. My heart, on the other hand, was thumping like a boombox. I pulled up to the barndominium when I spotted Ryker on his Harley. I could tell it was one of the Grim brothers by nothing other than the peacoat. Ryker slowed down, nodding at me—dark hair, like Diana, full of tattoos, and piercing green eyes. I waved to him awkwardly. He was beautiful just like Jax. What was it with these damn Grimwood’s? I caught him in my review mirror as I eyed the details of the back of the peacoat. It readGrimwoodin old English embroidery, stitched right above a Reaper on a skeletal horse, holding a long scythe in triumph; the details were intricate and morbid.
I knocked on the black wood farm door twice before Jax answered, in gray sweat pants and a black fitted V-neck tee that showed off his chest piece.This man was beautiful and I hated it.Did he have to look good in everything? I steadied my heart.
“Hey, uh, I figured I’d drop off your birria,” I said, trying not to choke on my words, each one weighing heavy like a solid brick. Jax smirked and side-eyed me, rubbing his hands together like he had just found a treasure.
“Who is it?” I heard a muffled voice from the back of the house.
“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me. Come take a look for yourself, old man.” Jax called out, without breaking eye contact.
I stood there with the casserole dish in all my awkwardness.
Bjorn opened the door wide. “Well, I’ll be damned. Come on in, Faye,” Bjorn said, welcoming me into the house. “We just whipped up some hot chocolate, if you’re in the mood?” Bjorn waved his bushy silver overgrown eyebrows at me. He looked older, with more crow's feet than I remembered. His salt andpepper hair was also new, but he still was wickedly handsome and as terrifying as ever.
It was fall in Grimstone, and I was freezing my ass off. But before I could say no, the weather made my decision for me. I glanced back at my small white car, the soil already muddied and soaked.
“Sure.” I was convinced Mother Gaia did this on purpose to play a serious trick on me. Even Mother Nature was against me. Jax grinned at me, taking the casserole dish like it was a baby, and led me inside their cozy home. The rustic wood floor still looked the same. A fire burned and crackled in the background. The Grimwood’s home still distinctly smelled of burning wood, whiskey, and leather. The living room floor was decorated with spotted pattern hides and the walls were decorated with animal skulls, horns and bones that I’m sure they hunted themselves.
I sat with the Grimwood’s as they finished their birria, eating like Vikings. Bjorn kept the conversation short and asked how Ma and I were. He also spoke about Creed and Avi’s engagement coming up, but made no mention of Diana’s passing. So I didn’t mention it. A gal could read the room.
“Tell Stefani thank you, she makes the best birria in town.” Bjorn glimmered with his full belly.
“Actually, I made it for you both.” I stuttered.
Jax went quiet. Every now and then I’d catch him staring at my lips like he always had.
“Wow, Faye, you got your ma’s talent.” Bjorn showered me with compliments. Jax and I looked at each other in silence, our eyes saying a thousand words. He knew why I was here.
Bjorn caught both our gazes in the awkward stillness. “Well, Faye, it’s been a pleasure as always, but this old man is gonna head on up to bed. I have an early morning with the cattle.” He rubbed his swollen belly before he embraced me with a hug and kissed my forehead tenderly, as an eerie vision splintered mymind.A shrine, crimson, the smell of death.Holding my balance on the chair, my hands went clammy. “It was so nice to see you,” he said, then he headed upstairs, leaving me and Jax alone for the first time in five years.
“Are you well, Robles?” Jax took notice of my sudden discomfort.
“Yeah, I just need some fresh air.” Jax led me to the porch outside. The truth was, I was far from well, these visions tormented my very being and any solace I had left.
Jax and I sat on the wraparound porch, rocking in the old chairs that had been here since I could remember. It brought back memories I didn’t want to think about. The last time I was on the Grimwood farm it wasn’t for good reasons, and six months later I was gone. I stared into my mug, hoping the memories wouldn’t win at this moment. I had to say something or the silence would crush me.
“Ma told me about Diana, I’m so sorry. I came to give you my condolences, Jaxon. I had no idea,” I stammered, my shame berating me.
Jax looked up from his mug. “That’s alright, how could you know? It had been five years since we spoke. You were living a happy, suburban city life, married off. Why would you have any idea? You were too good for us.” Jaxon rocked in the old, black rustic rocking chair, looking smug. I couldn’t help but ponder on the fact that Ma had told me somewhat of the same thing. I sighed, looking out into the rain.
“Right.” I got up from the rocking chair, sitting my mug down on the porch, feeling silly. Why did I even come here? Why? I hated myself in this very instant.
“Well, I hope you enjoyed your dinner. Looks like the rain has slowed down. I’m gonna get going.”
Jax just sat in utter silence.
I drove off in my car feeling shame and sadness. I couldn’t explain it. I wasn’t mad at Jax for saying it out loud, I was mad because it was true and that stung even more. Maybe I was a fool for stopping by. Maybe I shouldn’t have. I kept going back and forth in my head. Either way, Diana and Bjorn were important in my life at some point. I didn’t stop by for Jax, it was for Diana. Jax clearly still had some ill feelings about me leaving to the city with Vadon. But the nerve of him after how things ended between us… It made me infuriated with him all over again.
This was a mistake. The last thing I needed to do was get myself mixed up with an old flame. I had my first court date for the divorce in a week and that’s what I needed to focus on. Staying strong for Birdie. To hell with Jaxon and this small fucking town. To hell with men!
Seeing Faye on my porch was something I didn’t expect. Let alone her knocking on my front door with homemade Mexican food. She came to give móðir (mother) condolences, and I disregarded it and brought up irrelevant things from the past. I was such a sack of shit. If my mother was here she’d smack me on top of my head and tell me, “What is wrong with you?” The truth is, maybe the past wasn’t so irrelevant, not to me anyway.
