Page 85 of Tacos & Toboggans
It wasn’t a question, so I just nodded. “I think I said some things I shouldn’t have, and she left.”
“You think you said some things?”
Once I explained what I saw when I walked into the office, I swallowed hard around the lump of fear in my throat. “I remember telling her I didn’t give her permission to snoop through my things. It’s just white noise after that.”
“White noise?”
“When my PTSD is activated, it’s that fight or flight idea, but mine is never fight. It's always flight, and that will present itself verbally sometimes.”
“Saying something just to get yourself out of the conversation or out of the room?”
“Yes,” I agreed. “And it’s always logical and thought out to the person hearing it, but I rarely remember anything other than in bits and pieces.”
“Have you texted her?”
“I was afraid to in case she was driving. We need to find her.”
“Text her and see if she responds.”
With a nod, I typed out the only thing I could think to say and hit send. “I’ve screwed up so badly,” I whispered, sliding down the door until I fell to my butt when my left leg didn’t allow the movement. Lowering my head to my knee, I sat there, not even caring how it looked to Ivy. Once again, I’d blown up my future by not being honest when I had the chance.
“You need to get yourself together, Major,” Ivy said, squatting down beside me. “Couples have arguments. That’s part of life. You’re not going to see eye to eye all the time. Something tells me you could have solved this with a simple explanation that Jaelyn would have listened to, but your trauma prevented you from doing that, right?” My nod was weak against my knee. “Then figure out a way to explain it to her that will block the trauma from cropping up. If you need to do it in writing, then do so. If you need to record yourself on your phone and send it to her, go ahead. If you can’t do face-to-face until she understands the basics, then use whatever form of communication that’s necessary to get over that hurdle. You need a place to meet in the middle.”
I lifted my head to meet her gaze. “Why didn’t I think of that? It would make it easier if I didn’t have to look into her eyes filled with disappointment that I’d lied, which I didn’t. God, it’s just a big misunderstanding.”
She rubbed my shoulder for a moment. “You’ll get it sorted out once she has a few minutes to cool her heels. Jaelyn has that fiery Spanish temper, but once she has a few minutes away from the situation, she always comes back to talk about it. Has she seen the text?”
I checked the phone and noted the read tag. “Yes, but no response yet.”
She held out her hand and helped me to my feet. “Then you know she’s okay. Maybe you should head back to your place so you’re there if she goes home. If she comes here, I’ll send her there.”
“There was no meeting, was there?” I asked, realizing no one else was around.
“Nope. She was going to finish your Christmas present but couldn’t do it at the house, so she brought everything here.”
My hand in my hair, I sighed. “I’m gutted that I hurt her. I don’t know if I can repair this.”
“You’d better think of a way because you two are meant for each other. Don’t give up. Dig in. Show her that you deserve her and her forgiveness. She’ll see your honesty and integrity. I promise.”
“Thanks, Ivy. I see why everyone says you’re a nightingale.”
“Silly,” she said with a shake of her head. “I just try to be a decent human being and help people out when I can.”
“Like paying off the rest of her bills so they didn’t follow her into the new year?”
“She earned that money,” Ivy said with a shrug. “My goal was to take the last burden off her shoulders so she could enjoy life now that she had you. Don’t make me regret that. I will hunt you down.”
Holding up my hands, I bit back a smile. “There’s no way I’m crossing Ivy Lund. I’ll let you know if she returns to the house. If she comes here, do me a solid?”
“I will drive her home myself, but then the ball is in your court. Make sure you’re ready for it.”
With a salute, I left her house and climbed into my SUV, hoping I wasn’t too late. Sitting there and staring at the back of the diner, I remembered all the times I’d spent with Jaelyn there. Her smile. Her touch. What I did today was the same thing I’d done every time I got too involved with a woman. I blew it up in the same grandiose way as the bomb that tore my leg apart. The idea of letting someone in to see all my ugly was scarier than living alone, so I pushed them away and kept walking. This was the first time I couldn’t keep walking. Not didn’t. Couldn’t. Being without her was impossible now that I’d had a taste of what life could be like with her. Where was she?
Confronted by the decision to go home or look for her, I opted to look for her. I’d drive past the house, but if her car wasn’t there, I’d keep going until I found her or she texted me, one of the two. Part of me knew I could never sit still if I went home, but the other part of me said not going home meant possibly missing her if she did. Going home offered me a chance to put my thoughts together and maybe, I’d take Ivy’sadvice and write everything out, so she could read it before we talked.
Decision made, I first stopped by the bakery and picked up a loaf of bread and a jug of eggnog. If, God willing, she was agreeable to hear a word I had to say, I would fill her full of eggnog French toast, so she would be too full to move.
Barely back in the car, the ringtone for the hospital came through the speakers. I groaned. Not today, Lord. Then I remembered I was supposed to be there doing paperwork, but wasn’t, so they might be wondering why.
