Page 89 of Tacos & Toboggans
“In fairness, that was a first. Well, a second, but the first time I didn’t know I loved you yet. And I do, which is why Ioverreacted and acted like an absolute fool. There is no excuse for it.”
“There has to be a reason for it then,” I said, turning more onto my side to get comfortable. He stood and blocked my back with pillows to help me stay on my side, placing one against my abdomen as well.
Once he was seated again, he took my hand. “Fear of losing you,” he said. “Whenever fear hits like that.” He snapped, and I jumped. “The PTSD takes over. My therapist says it’s common for people with PTSD to use anger to mask fear when, really, the PTSD is a response to the fear. That doesn’t make sense, but I’m not sure I can make it make sense.”
“You’re saying when you get scared, your brain remembers the trauma and you do whatever you can to block it?”
“That. In my case, I get defensive. It’s a way to push people back until I can escape. In hindsight, I should have warned you that’s how mine presents itself. I’m mature enough to know that about myself. When you ran, I should have chased you, but by the time I pushed it back and got my feet moving, you were gone.”
“To be clear, I wasn’t running. Leaving was to offer the space we both needed. Then I got your text, and that’s when I realized the PTSD wasn’t an excuse. I was standing in the clearing and remembered Becca had the same reaction several times when she worked at the diner. I was about to text that I was on my way back when it was lights out.” The spot on the back of my head throbbed once to remind me that I’d been stabbed and hit over the head. “My phone is probably buried under two feet of snow now.”
“We’ll get you a new one if Cameron doesn’t find it. Don’t worry about any of that right now. Just rest.”
“It’s hard to rest with this hanging between us,” I pointed out.
“That’s fair. When I explained to Ivy how hard it was for me to talk about things that hit me emotionally from my past, she suggested I write it down for you to read so you have the background before we talk.”
“She’s good at cutting through the noise that way,” I agreed with a weak smile. “Did you do that?”
“While you were sleeping,” he agreed. “But you deserve to hear it from me, and in my opinion, it’s good practice to keep this from happening again.”
“Whatever makes you more comfortable, but I just need to know if you have a kid somewhere. It’s not a dealbreaker, to be clear, but it’s something you should have shared with me before now.”
“She’s not my daughter,” he said immediately, scooting forward to get closer. “Right before I shipped out the last time.” He motioned at his leg, and I nodded. “I was seeing a civilian nurse. We traveled in the same circles, and I met her at an off-base function. We weren’t mutual, and it was a casual thing, so we said goodbye and I left. When I returned stateside, I was at the same base to complete the last few months of my enlistment, essentially working on physical therapy while handling administrative tasks at a desk. I heard through the grapevine that she had a little girl. The math worked, and I reached out to her, wanting to take responsibility if she was mine.”
“Most men wouldn’t have done that,” I said. “They’d assume it wasn’t.”
“Maybe, but I’m not wired that way. If I had a child, I would not only provide for her but also want to be an active part of her life. She came around and introduced me to Kaylee, who was the sweetest little girl you’ve ever met. We got close again, I mean, not that close,” he clarified, and I nodded. “But would meet up at the park with Kaylee or have dinner and spend time together. Eventually, I asked her to put my name on the birth certificate so I could pay child support and have visitation. Kaylee drove me to get better and stronger so I could take care of her alone if the day ever came. My lawyer told me to be put on the birth certificate, we’d need a paternity test, so we did one. When it came back that I wasn’t the father, I was crushed.”
“You wanted to be?”
“I’ve always wanted to be a father, but I realize now that I was using Kaylee as a reason to get back to living. Shemotivated me to get up in the morning and put my life back together so I could be there for her.”
“And when you learned she wasn’t yours?”
“I wanted to spiral,” he admitted. “It turns out that after I left, Jodie had a fling at the hospital with a doctor. Happens all the time between single people in hospitals,” he said with an eye roll. “Young ones, at least.”
“I appreciate that clarification before I got worried.”
“You have nothing to worry about, I assure you. As he was Kaylee’s biological father, I couldn’t move forward with my paternity petition. He stepped up and paid his child support, but didn’t have any contact with Kaylee. Jodie allowed me to keep visiting them until my enlistment was up, and then I moved away. For years, I sent Kaylee cards for her birthday and gifts for Christmas, until one year, when they were all returned due to no forwarding address. When I got to Denver, I located Jodie again, and it turns out she had gotten married and moved to Illinois. From what I could tell from her social media, they were happy, and Kaylee was getting a little sister within a few months. Knowing they were both happy was enough for me, so I stopped all attempts at contact. I didn’t want to come between her and her new husband or make her feel like she had to maintain a relationship with me. That wasn’t fair to her or Kaylee when I wasn’t her father.”
“But you kept the paperwork?”
“I’d honestly forgotten I still had it,” he said with a shrug. “I was cleaning out my desk and came across the folder in the bottom drawer. I planned to shred it since social security numbers were involved, but then I got a call from the hospital and left. I wasn’t hiding it from you. It’s something from my past that I don’t even think about anymore since it’s irrelevant, but I’m sure at some point I would have told you the story. The thing is, it’s generally frowned upon to talk about other women in a new relationship after professing your love to someone.”
“I’ll give you that point,” I whispered, closing my eyes for a moment. “My past involves several relationships that were based on lies, and my knee-jerk reaction is always to shame myself for trusting someone when I knew they would probably lie to me.”
“Is that how you truly feel about me?” he asked, and I heard the heartbreak in his voice.
“No, that’s why it hurt so much. I’ve trusted you from day one and took everything you said at face value. You’ve always been straight with me, and if I’d stopped long enough to remember that, this could have all been avoided. I feel incredibly stupid, and I wouldn’t blame you if you hate me.”
“Baby doll, no,” he said, wiping a tear from my cheek that had fallen as he explained the truth. “I don’t hate you, and you’re not stupid. You are the most important person in my life. We approached the situation from two different perspectives. The way I behaved made you feel unsafe, and you left. That’s on me. I should have been man enough to explain my PTSD and how I react to situations rather than pretend it would never happen with you.”
“I didn’t feel unsafe. You’d never hurt me, and I know that. I left because when I’m angry, I cry, and there was no way I was going to let you see me cry.”
His smile was tender when he wiped another tear. “Yet here we are. Only now you’re crying from the pain I caused you. I wish I could rewind to last night and start over again.”
“If only life worked that way,” I teased, my eyes heavy as he rubbed my cheek. “I love you, Major. If you still love me, maybe we can forgive each other and move forward instead of backwards?”
