Page 81 of Unloaded
“No one knew who my father really was,” Rachel replies. “He’d changed his name and had opened a restaurant that didn’t launder money. Vena just happened to see my mother and decided he wanted her.
“When Nicolai, uh Uncle Nicolai—that’s going to take some getting used to—when he found out Vena was looking to marry me off, he asked for my hand to keep me from being married to a mafia boss.”
“Fucking mafia. They think they can just take what they want,” I complain heatedly. “Well they aren’t getting you or the boys. I don’t give a fuck if they are family.” Rachel smiles up at me through watery eyes.
“I’m glad we found you Rachel,” Bo says, walking a little closer. “Kelvin is working hard to find the twins. We lost track of them after the truck stop, but we will find them. Try not to worry.” She nods and takes a deep breath. “So you’re going to be okay?”
“Yeah, I’m sore, and my head hurts, but it’s not as bad as it was earlier.”
“That’s good,” Bo replies. “I’m going to step out and give you two some privacy. I’ll call Shelby and Marley to let them know you’re okay. They’ve been demanding an update.”
“I’m sorry I left and caused you all to worry,” Rachel apologizes, “but I had to do something.”
“I understand. Wealldo,” he says pointedly, giving me a look that says don’t be a dumbass when I leave. Bo leans down and kisses the top of Rachel’s head. “Glad you’re okay.”
“Thank you,” Rachel says softly. Bo whacks the back of my head, as he stands, to hammer home the look he’s giving me. He smiles big then leaves us alone.
“Why do you guys do that to each other?” Rachel asks when he’s gone. I frown, unsure what she means. “Whack each other on the back of the head.” I grin as understanding dawns on me.
“Violence is our love language,” I answer with a laugh. “He’s telling me to stop being an idiot, don’t fuck this up, and to tell you how I feel about you.”
“How do you feel?” she asks, sounding both hopeful and scared at the same time. She holds my gaze, despite the trepidation in her eyes.Fuck, I love this woman!
She’s brave, loyal, intelligent, loving, and compassionate. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman when I believed I could have one. She’s everything I believed I’d never have after losing the 1stLt. I can’t lie to her. I’ve been lying to myself since the night I met her, and now know, I can’t live without her.
She’d be better off with someone else. Someone who doesn’t have nightmares, who isn’t fucked up in the head like I am. Who would do the right thing and walk away if it’s what’s best for her. I’ve never been a selfish man, but in this instance, I’m going to be. I need her like I need my next breath, like the next beat of my heart.
If I’m going to do this, I have to be completely honest with her. She deserves to know what she’s getting herself into. She needs to know what happened on my last mission. Nausea swirls in my gut, but it isn’t as strong as it used to be whenever I thought of that day. I suppose having talked to Bo and the others about it at Luke’s is making this a little easier.
“Six years ago, I had a mission go bad.” I pause for a long moment to gather my thoughts. No matter how many times I tell this story, it’s always going to be hard for me to talk about the absolute worst day of my life.
Rachel tilts her head back to look up at me. Her hand cradles the side of my face, urging me to look at her. “I know this is hard for you to talk about, but I’m here for you. Take as much time as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know,” I reply softly, my voice rough from the emotions storming through me. “Even though you should.”
“No, Rosco,” she insists. “I get that you think you deserve to be alone, to be punished, but that’s not true.”
“You don’t understand,” I argue, “You don’t know what happened. I was responsible for her, Rachel. I let her down, and she died on my watch!” My voice cracks, and I turn away, unable to bear for her to see my shame.
“Rosco.” The tone of her voice demands that I look at her, but I’m not ready to face her reaction to my confession. To her credit, Rachel waits patiently for me to comply instead of pushing. I clear my throat before continuing, but keep my eyes averted.
“I can’t give you all the details. The mission is still technically classified, but it was because of my fuck up that a woman died. I have nightmares from it,” I admit. “I relive that day over and over every night. It always ends the same way…until the night I had you in my bed. That night, the dream was different. Youwere the one holding a knife to your throat, but you didn’t pull it across your neck to end your life.”
“Oh, Rosco! I’m so sorry you went through that,” Rachel whispers. “Even though I don’t know everything that happened, I know you. You would never knowingly put someone in harm’s way, certainly not a woman. You can’t blame yourself for her choices.”
My throat tightens even more. Darkness descends as my eyes drift closed, and I take in a shuddering breath. She isn’t horrified by my confession. She’s supporting me, even without all the details.How can she have such unwavering faith in me? I don’t understand it, but this is one of the many reasons I love her.
I open my eyes to face my greatest fear, to see disgust, or worse pity, in her gaze. Our eyes meet, and all I see is the love I feel in my heart reflected back at me. It’s time to answer her earlier question.
“I love you, angel.” Her eyes widen as she gasps. “Right or wrong, I do. Please forgive me for not telling you sooner, for wasting so much time, for letting you walk away, and most importantly, for not protecting you and the boys. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m begging you to try.”
Rachel stares at me, mouth hanging open like I’ve suddenly grown an extra head right in front of her. Waiting patiently isn’t one of my virtues. I’m a man of action. Praying that I’m not fucking this up, my hand lifts to push her chin up gently. She blinks but still doesn’t say a word.
“Say something,” I plead, “Anything. Please, angel.”
She continues to stare at me like I’m an alien who’s lost his camouflage. I’ve fucked this up. No doubt about it. She’s going to turn tail and run. Like she should but damn if I don’t want her to. I need her to want me.Fuck!
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