Page 149 of Santa Daddies
They instantly quieted, riveted as they gave me all their attention.
“Crystal, come up here please.” The crowd parted as my Mrs. Claus made her way through the sea of elves to join me at the front.
“Before becoming Santa, I had to find my wife and get married, those are the rules,” I stated once she was by my side. “And I’m not complaining, I’m so glad they are because it led to me finding and marrying the love of my life, but then I had to go right into the business of being Santa full time and I’ve had almost no time to be a husband, much less a newlywed husband. It’s ridiculous, frankly. It’s not good for me or my wife, and by extension, it ends up not being good for any of you, because as they say, ‘Happy Santa, happy elves’.”
They wore confused expressions, obviously not quite sure where I was going with this, or why I’d interrupted their work day to say it, but they were slowly bobbing their heads in agreement.
“The North Pole is stuck in the past, we all hate change, and we love tradition, but sometimes we have to drag ourselves kicking and screaming into a new age. We’ve done it before, and I’m sure years from now, we’ll have to do it again. It’s tough at first, but we always adjust, so I’m asking now, three days before Christmas, for you all to recognize a problem and bear with me as I propose a solution.”
They’d started grumbling the second I mentioned change, and now wore sour expressions, shifting from foot to foot like they just wanted to forget this nonsense and get back to work.
It was Bernie, bless her, who dragged over a chair to stand on and piped up. "Let's all listen to what Santa has to say. He’s the boss. He’s Santa. If he thinks a change is needed, it probably is.”
“Thank you, Bernie.” I smiled at her, then turned my attention back to the rest of the elves, who were calming down, at least a little bit.
“We have a major issue. It’s affecting my home life, my mental health, and even my productivity. That problem is the naughty list and how it’s computed. I’m not sure what is going on with the world, but I’m having to run to the list room dozens of times a day because children are behaving like children, daring to have their own opinions, personalities and reactions to the world around them, and the adults in their lives can’t seem to handle it. Of all the discrepancies the list has caught over the last month, only two children actually deserved to be on the naughty list. It’s ridiculous. The adults of the world cannot be trusted to give their input on this anymore. The responsibility is enormous, and they are not up to the task. We need a new system, sooner rather than later.”
The elves wore cautious expressions, but they were nodding along with my speech. They knew it was a problem. What they didn’t know was how to fix it. Elves were not technology-friendly beings. They were hundreds of years old, and were much better suited to making toys.
“How are you going to fix it, Santa?” Bernie spoke up, offering me an encouraging smile.
And here came the part they really weren’t going to like, I thought as I drew a deep breath and prepared to continue.
“I’m not going to fix it,” I announced. “Coding and spreadsheets and the programs that would be needed to override such an antiquated system are not my strong suit.” Before the grumbling could start again, I continued, “But they are my wife’s.”
And that’s when the uproar started. The male elves immediately protested, loudly, just as I’d expected. The female elves looked amused, while also looking cautiously dubious.
I held up a hand and they quieted once more. “That’s the other thing that needs to change. Here at the North Pole, we’ve long since held up a rather sexist ideal, that is frankly seriously out of touch and offensive. My wife is smart, strong and capable and it is time we give Mrs. Claus the respect and dignity she deserves. Mrs. Claus, all the Mrs. Clauses, past, present, and future, are capable of so much more than baking cookies and wrapping presents. The North Pole is a beacon of hope, a melting pot of cultures, and while we have long-upheld traditions, we also have a responsibility to embrace empowerment, for everyone.”
I was about to keep going, but my speech was drowned out by thunderous applause that had me blushing and stammering before I continued.
Crystal stood on her tippy-toes, threw her arms around my neck and planted a kiss right on my lips while the elves teased. I waited for the noise to die down before wrapping it up.
“Now, Crystal is going to be in charge of updating the list with Bernie and Dash, while the rest of us get back to toy-making and cocoa-drinking, because Mrs. Claus has saved our sanity.”
“Santa! Santa!” Piper, a young, timid elf who rarely spoke at all, raised her hand, looking for permission to speak.
“Yes, Piper?”
“I don’t think Mrs. Claus just saved our sanity. I daresay she saved Christmas as well.”
Nodding at her, I smiled down at my blushing wife. “You know, I think you’re right. Mrs. Claus has saved the future of Christmas.”
“Three cheers for Mrs. Claus!”
While the elves shouted, “Hip, Hip, hooray!” I pulled my blushing wife into my arms.
“Three cheers for Mrs. Claus,” I whispered.
“This is ridiculous,” she whispered back. “I didn’t save Christmas.”
“Oh I beg to differ, Mrs. Claus. I think you very much did save Christmas. In more ways than one.” I winked and gave her bottom a pat that had her gasping.
“I’m proud of you,” I told her as the elves began to disperse.
“I’m proud of you too, Santa Daddy.”
I didn’t have to ask why. I knew, and I was proud of myself too. “Together we’ll drag this place kicking and screaming into the modern age, and make everyone’s lives easier in the process.”
“I can’t wait,” she whispered.
I couldn’t wait either.
Best Christmas Ever.
THE END
