Page 148 of Santa Daddies
We made our way outside, and took a snowmobile in, rather than a reindeer, my one concession that she’d been through enough today already.
As soon as we pulled up to the offices, we were swarmed by a gaggle of frenzied-looking elves, and Bernadette, her calm unflappable self looking mildly flustered.
“Santa!” she scolded, shaking her finger, “Christmas is only three days away. You really do not have time for middle-of-the-day trysts.”
I cut her a scathing look and she shrank back as I helped Crystal off the snowmobile and pushed my way past the elves and all their frantic questions. Once inside, I beelined for the list room. Dash scowled when I pushed the door open, with Crystal behind me.
“Santa! Where have you been?”
“It’s only been a couple hours, Dash, and I had some personal business to deal with, relax.”
“There have been over thirty list discrepancies in that time, Santa. Well, thirty-one, technically, but I can’t find the last one. It’s very odd. It’s never happened before.”
“Thirty-one discrepancies is insane,” Crystal muttered beside me.
“Tell me about it. It’s like this all day every day and it’s usually a good kid making an honest mistake, or some entitled adult believing a child is naughty for simply having a bad day, or reacting to a situation the way pretty much anyone would, but having the audacity to do so while being a kid. It’s rather ridiculous, if I’m being honest.”
“Ugh. No wonder you’re always so stressed.”
“Tell me about it. Come look at this with me.” I pulled her toward the list glowing on the wall, while Dash screeched behind us.
“Santa! What are you doing? Stop! She can’t be in here! You know the list is for your eyes only. Well, and mine, but you know! This is top-secret North Pole data! First you sent Trixie in here the other day, and now Mrs. Claus. This is highly unorthodox, and highly inappropriate!”
He ran in front of the screen as if to block Crystal’s view.
“Stand down, Dash,” I growled.
Crystal was looking between the two of us, wide-eyed, like she didn’t quite know who to listen to. “It’s okay, Santa,” she whispered. “You can just… tell me.” Even as she said it, she looked like she was going to throw up at the prospect.
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Santa!” Dash protested.
“Tell me about the discrepancy you can’t find,” I interjected, interrupting his protests.
He shut down and flipped into work mode immediately, frowning at the list. It’s… It’s gone. There were thirty-one discrepancies earlier, but I couldn’t find the last one, and now it says there’s only thirty again!” He shuffled through the pages, muttering to himself as he frowned.
Crystal’s eyes met mine over the top of his head, her expression hopeful, and I smiled. I was pretty sure that was confirmation her punishment with my belt had done the trick, but I would double check.”
“Okay, let’s get this list sorted out.” I went through each discrepancy one by one, scanning the list for my wife’s name as I did so, and just as I’d suspected, each discrepancy was just a matter of kids making mistakes or having bad days and being told they were bad by the adults around them, many of whom, in my opinion, needed a stocking full of coal. Some people these days took themselves way too seriously.
When the list was set back to zero, I rubbed my hands together, as if dusting them off, to indicate that the task was finished.
Then I turned to my wife, clicked through the pages again, and explained how the list worked while allowing her to see that her name was indeed off the list. I ran through the system, explaining how it worked exactly how it had been set up fifty years prior when it had first been computerized. I could see the moment the solution clicked in her brain, and I knew what I had to do. I also knew the elves were going to have a shit-fit over breaking tradition and any kind of change. But they’d adjusted when it had gone computerized the first time, they’d adjust to this.
As Santa, it was my job to keep everything running smoothly, and update the systems and traditions to make sense in modern times. As Crystal’s husband, I had a different job entirely: to be agood, present, husband and support my wife. So far the balance had been impossible. That was about to change.
“I need to see all the elves in the workshop,” I announced as I pulled open the door to exit the list room. “Dash, that means you too. Come on.”
“But Santa! The list should not be unattended!”
“It will be fine. We are changing the way we do things around here, and we are starting with that list.”
I made my way to the workshop, calling over my shoulder for the elves to assemble, with Crystal and Dash rushing behind me to keep up.
When I was in the center of the workshop surrounded by hundreds of elves from departments all across the North Pole, I got their attention by holding my hand up until their chatter died down.
“Excuse me, elves. Thank you for coming to listen on such short notice. I promise I will keep this short so we can all get back to our jobs, but I have something important to say.”
