Page 65 of False Start
I stand from the couch and make my way over to a floor length window covered in white sheer curtains and burgundy drapes. Beyond the glass is an entire world coming and going to and fro, and their worlds go on when things happen and circumstances change. If I’m honest with myself, I’d admit I haven’t exactly done that. I’m stuck in a pattern of sleeping with my ex-husband while my misery consumes me. I’m miserable with him but also miserable without him. “Something has to change one way or another. I can’t continue hooking up and living half in and half out of something with him. We need to see if this is worth salvaging.”
“May I ask how and why you ended up agreeing to therapy almost two years after the divorce?”
I follow a blue bird outside as it flies from branch to branch on a cherry blossom tree. “I agreed to the fourteen dates I promised him when we first began dating. We moved quickly in our relationship together, and with his football schedule we didn’t always have the opportunity to date in the way most couples do. He feels as though he never had his fourteen dates, and my best friend, Leslie, advised I owed the dates.”
“He’s on the side of love,” Bryant advises.
“I’m sorry?” Mary asks.
“Leslie, her best friend, is on the side of love. It’s why he has my back,” he further explains.
Mary appears a bit confused. “Your best friend is an advocate for your reunification?”
I roll my eyes at Leslie butting into our business. “My best friend has a crush on Bryant. His opinion is biased.”
Our therapist has a chuckle over the notion. “It’s good you two have support from a loved one. How many dates do you have left?”
“After today, I have eleven,” my ex-husband says.
“Do you plan on using all of the dates to attend therapy?”
“I thought it would be a good idea to start each date off on the right foot. I’d like to make sure we’re progressing toward something other than sex.”
“You’re sexually active?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Do either of you have any other partners?”
“No,” we answer at the same time.
“Are these planned acts of intimacy or in the moment experiences?”
“In the moment,” I reply.
“Do you use sex as a way to connect or is it a way to deal with your problems?”
“Both,” he says. “And I’ve suggested we stop for a little while.”
“Before or after you connected the other night over beignets and coffee?”
“Before,” he answers honestly, “We connected this last time, but I still think we should give it some time.”
“And you, Zhanna? Do you think it’s wise to abstain, at least for the next little while.”
“Z,” Bryant starts as he comes up behind me at the window, “let’s do this. Let’s do eleven more sessions as dates. No sex. See if we can find our way back to each other.”
I know what he means, but I never lost my way to him. Even now as a divorced couple, we’re the flame and the moth, although, I’m not sure who is which in the analogy. I’m terrified we could reach the end of eleven more dates and realize we were never meant for each other. Then what do we do? “You’re sacrificing eleven dates for therapy sessions?”
He presses a kiss to the back of my head as his right hand reaches for my hip. “We’ll do something after—something low key that will give us a chance to talk and spend time with each other.”
I hesitate. It’s hard to swallow your pride and forgive. It’s equally as difficult to let go of the familiarity of the anger I’ve held onto for so long. What will I have once it’s gone? Vulnerability?
“Baby,” he whispers, “give me a chance to make you fall in love with me again.”
Love or being in love with him has never been the problem, but I’m not ready to admit it aloud. “Okay.”
“Wonderful!” Mary says. “You’ve made real progress in such a short amount of time.” Bryant and I leave the view of the window and take our seats across from the therapist again. “I think it’s imperative you set healthy boundaries. As we delve deeper into therapy, there will be topics which hurt more than others. It’s important to continue to communicate in a healthy manner. It’s equally as important to know when to take a breather.” She pauses and smiles at us both. “That’s it for us today, but I want to give you homework again. Marriage is about teamwork, and I’d like to see the two of you work as a team on a project together. Paint a room together in Bryant’s house, or plant a garden at Zhanna’s. Just do something together that requires you to work toward a common goal.”
