Page 53 of Spyder
As if he’d been waiting for my permission all along, I feel his cock twitch and then begin to throb. He lets out a low, rumbling growl as he pulses, and I feel the rush of warm, sticky wetness that comes shooting out of him. I gasp and feel my body tighten and tremble, and a moment later, a long, stuttering gasp escapes me as I cum while he fills me with his seed.
He pulls me to a sitting position and wraps his arms around me in a tender embrace. Derek kisses me passionately with all of the emotion he holds for me passing through his lips. It’s overwhelming, and in that moment, I’m sure that I can go the rest of my life without ever feeling as loved as he is making me feel right now. The feeling of being complete, of being whole, and of being indescribably happy descends and wraps me up tightly.
I lay my head against his chest and listen to the hard, steady beat of his heart. It fills me with a sense of comfort that’s foreign to me. As the bliss of the moment fades, the other thoughts come pouring back in—those dark, unpleasant thoughts. And it hits me, like really sinks in, that given what they’re up against and are involved in, I really could lose Derek. Forever. He could be killed and taken away from me.
The mere thought of it is enough to choke me with a sense of grief that’s profound. Maybe a grief that would be close to what I’m going to feel when I eventually lose my mom. But this feels different only because this is preventable. He doesn’t have to fight the cartel. He doesn’t have to put himself in a position where it’s “kill or be killed”. All he has to do is walk away from his club.
But the next thought that goes through my mind is how incredibly unfair it is for me to even think that. The qualities that keep him with his club during this war are among some of the qualities that make me attracted to him in the first place: courage, loyalty, honor, and compassion. I’d be lying if I said those were things that I didn’t admire him for. That I didn’t find attractive.
So, how can I punish him for exhibiting those qualities I find attractive in the first place? How can I say that I can’t be with him when he’s showing me that he is a good man with a good heart? That he’s a man who will stand up and protect those who can’t? That he will fight the bad guys and the monsters for those unable to do so? That he will give of himself to those who have nothing?
That’d make me a very big hypocrite. But even knowing that, knowing what a hypocrite I’d be if I condemned him for those things about him that I love, I can’t help but want him to leave that life and that danger, anyway. The mere thought of anything happening to him is threatening to rip a hole in my heart I know could never be filled again. It’s a thought that turns my stomach.
It’s selfish, I know. Terribly selfish. But nobody ever said a woman in love was the most generous or rational person in the world to begin with.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Spyder
We’re all sitting around in the clubhouse, washing the road dust out of our mouths with a few beers and a lot of laughs. We’ve just successfully hit another Zavala shipment and destroyed all of the drugs they were shipping in. The thought is, if we make it too expensive for him to do business in Blue Rock, he’ll abandon the idea. That’s Prophet’s plan, anyway.
I’m sitting off to the side by myself, nursing my beer, lost in thought. It’s been a couple of weeks since I told Bellamy that I loved her. And she still hasn’t said it back. It’s been a confusing time, because we’ve seen each other almost every night since then. And my personal feeling is the bond between us has only gotten stronger. I feel like we’re growing even closer to each other with every day that passes. Personally, I feel closer to her than I’ve ever felt to anybody in my life.
But those words are still hanging out there in the ether. I’ve kicked my own ass a million different ways for even uttering them. But what I’d said was true… I didn’t ever want her to not know where I stood or how I felt about her. Especially now. With this war starting to get hot, if God forbid, something happens to me, I want her to know exactly what’s in my heart.
I told her I didn’t want her to say those words back to me until she truly felt it. And I wasn’t lying. But honestly, I figured she would have said them by now. When she looks at me, I can swear she feels it. But for whatever reason, she hasn’t been able to say it. It shouldn’t bother me. It really shouldn’t. Especially since we’re together all the time and we seem to have this tight connection. But for whatever reason, it does.
“What are you doing over here pouting about?”
Domino drops down at the table across from me and takes a long pull of his beer then flashes me a grin.
“I’m not pouting,” I tell him.
“Kinda looks like it from where I stand.”
“Maybe you should get your vision checked.”
“Funny guy,” he says. “Seriously, what’s up? We should be celebrating. We knocked out another shipment.”
“And there will be another one soon. Or maybe he’ll just send up a shipment of sicarios and try to lay waste to everything. And how long do you figure it’s going to be before Zavala figures out it’s the Warriors feeding us the intel? What do you think’s going to happen then?”
“Wow, you’re certainly all sunshine and rainbows today, aren’t you?”
I shrug as I take a drink of my beer. It seems ridiculous that I’m in this black of a mood. Just because Bellamy hasn’t said it, doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel it. And I should be celebrating the fact that she’s with me at all and that we seem to be building something real. Something solid. I know for a fact that this isn’t just a hookup thing for her. She’s not like that. She generally is pretty conservative and has never been the sleeping-around type. When she sleeps with somebody, it’s because they mean something to her.
“Bellamy, huh?” Domino asks as if reading my thoughts.
I nod. “Yeah.”
“What’s the trouble?”
I hesitate, unsure if I should even get into this with him. I mean, I know how ridiculous it sounds in my own head. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’ll sound like from his perspective. But if there’s somebody I can talk to about it, I know it’s him. Always has been. So, I lay out the entire situation, thinking that maybe an outside perspective might be the best thing for me.
“So, let me get this straight,” he starts when I’ve finished. “You spend just about every night together. You’re banging like bunnies—”
I frown at him. “Do you have to be so crude?”
Domino chuckles. “Fine. You and the lady Bellamy are having intimate relations on the regular. Better?”
