Page 6 of Clause & Effect
Is she for real?
Like I don’t already know. Does she think I need my readers to see it for myself? The fact that I even have readers makes me want to hide even more.
Again I want to say something, but I’m feeling shy.
Suddenly…shy.
And I don’t know why. Hah, that rhymes. Yeah, they are definitely pumping something through here because none of my thoughts feel strung together or normal and why is it so freaking hot?
Maybe it’s the idea of him seeingme. The real me that’s impossible to hide when I first meet people. He’ll see my exterior and it’ll make him want to come closer…and then, boom, he’ll inevitably see the rough that’s just too much for guys. He’ll see the untamed parts of me that no matter how hard I try to keep hidden away—always find a way to sneak out, whether it’s through my eyes, my energy, or even my essence. My story always ends the same. With loneliness and a bleeding heart nobody will hold but me. Sometimes I don’t know how I survived up until this point. It’s the complexity of me.
Of Charlie Lyn Horseman, ladies and gentleman.
I can’t help that I’m an artist at heart any more than I can help breathing. Words are my kryptonite… and I weep and long for love maybe too desperately at times, or maybe it’s just I want to be accepted while also being seen.
For truth. It’s felt like a faraway dream… for forever.
I stare out the window to keep me from looking at him and almost hear my grandmother’s consistent voice—the only consistent in my subconscious other than my self-deprecating talk. “Charlie… you just need to find that one man. The one that gets you. That feels your torture and can calm the winds and ride the wave with you. The one who’s not afraid of your light. The one who wants to fan your flame… Just one.”
Just. One.
I just need one who’s willing to fan! Is that so hard to ask?
I continue to keep my gaze safely away from hot man’s and focus on his friend who’s good looking enough with his brown hair, hazel eyes and super friendly smile. In any other world he’d be the handsome guy you’d want to get to know, but in a world where a man squares off with a polar bear… there’s no winning for him.
“Jayson,” he says as he holds out his hand in greeting.
He eyes me warmly, ah friend zone, it’s been a hot minute.
“I think I saw you glued to the window,” he says with a laugh that fills the small space.
I nod uncomfortably. That’s some good eyesight.
“That was me,” I say guiltily wanting to raise my hand like I’ve just been caught.
“This is Stetson,” Jayson points at his friend who’s still staring at me in the most toe curling uncomfortable but comfortable way a girl could ask for. If Jayson’s friend zone, this one’s ‘one night stand it was fun we should do it again zone’. I knew both well, played in both sand boxes enough to know where the self-burying shovels are, thank you very much.
Stetson? I press my lips together to keep from smiling. Did he try out forYellowstone? Was Rip taken? His name isStetson? Holy arctic cowboy fuck… of course it is!
Now that his name has been tossed into the ring, I know I have no choice but to look up at him.
And when I do…
When our eyes lock again—this time with only a foot separating us—the world stops around me.
Everything. Stops.
Time.
Air.
Snow.
Cold.
The tundra.
And I’m just sucked right into the brightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. Eyes that don’t even feel like they’re from this world. They must be from another planet because what I’m looking at isn’t normal.
