Page 48 of Breakaway Heart
I glared at Randy.
“Okay. Sorry, just sounded like… Anyway, go on. Perfect Jack, who chooses bad movies.”
“And the restaurants, the holidays, what we did on our weekends, who we spent time with, who we didn’t. I barely noticed at first. I mean, in some ways, it was nice. I was swept along in his life and completely looked after. I told myself I was happy, how could I not be?
“So, when he proposed, I should’ve been ecstatic. This dream of a man who wanted to pin me down forever. It was only then I knew that I didn’t want to be his object, that I didn’t want a whole life with him… But, of course, that was after I’d already saidyes.”
“Ouch.” Randall winced.
“Then suddenly there were family, friends, venues,dresses, bridesmaids, and all of it quickly spiralled into motion, while I was just an outsider, watching it all happen. And I let it happen, because I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. Honestly, I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Something medical or mental, I didn’t know. But there was no obvious reason for me not to feel happy and excited about marrying Jack.”
“Except there was. Your life was just a side-piece to his.”
I checked that Randy wasn’t making fun of me before I nodded in agreement.
“My ambitions weren’t important anymore. Even my hobbies died. I had no purpose other than turning up to things as his fiancée. He even booked the wedding venue on the day of my birthday, like that day was no longer my own either. It would always be overshadowed by our anniversary.”
“So, what happened?” Randy asked.
I suddenly didn’t feel quite so bad talking about it, and I was pleasantly surprised that Randy was actually listening and being considerate. He didn’t seem to be judging me, and he wasn’t putting any of his own opinions on me like I was used to.
“I really did try to bring it up, to find some time for myself and my own interests, but he always found a way to get in the way of it, or to dismiss them as something silly and pointless. The closer we got to the day, the more I dreaded it. And then, before I knew it, I was about to get married.”
“Cutting it a little fine, huh?”
“Randy. I never even turned up. I was too ashamed and too cowardly to even tell anyone. But I suppose I didn’t exactly know that I would do it either.”
“You left him at the aisle?”
“So, it’s the big day, my birthday. I get ready, put on my wedding dress, smile at everyone, and wave away my lack of enthusiasm as just nerves. Everyone’s telling me how damn lucky I am.
“Then I’m in the car on the way, and it’s just me and my dad, who’s going to walk me down the aisle. He turns to me and says,‘Lucy, darling, it’s not too late to back out, you know?’. I don’t think he was being serious, but as soon as he saw my face, he told the driver to pull over.”
“And what, you just got out?”
“I kissed my Dad and got out of the car.”
“While Jack was standing there waiting for a bride that was never to arrive?”
“Yeah. I know. I get it, I’m a terrible person.”
“Welcome to the club.”
I gave Randall a withering look back, “If that’s your idea of making me feel better, you could try harder.”
“I don’t think you’re a bad person, Lucy, but even good people do shitty things. You looked out for yourself and that’s cool and all, but damn, I can’t help but imagine what it was like when you didn’t show. What did he do? And where did you go?”
“I went to a park and I cried my heart out in my wedding dress because of what everyone would think and say.”
Randall was watching me intently as I fought back the tears from those emotions being dug up to come back and haunt me again.
“What did he say? I mean, when you got round to it.”
“We never talked again after that, at least not in person. He gave a note to my friend, Hannah, when it became clear I wasn’t coming. All it said was,Sorry you couldn’t make it. Have a nice life, Lucy. Goodbye.”
“Oh man, that’s pretty cold.”
“It could have been much worse. He was well within his rights.”
