Page 27 of The Holidays with Dr. Mitchell
“It’ll take us three hours on foot to get back to the girls,” he said. “I’mnotdoing this shit. I don’t need to detox. I don’t need fucking therapy, and I sure as hell don’t need a week away from my wife.”
“A weekonlyif you achieveego death,” I reminded him. “I’m telling you, we have to fake it and act like we’re into whatever Mother Earth and the Universe wants for us to change our lives and thinking processes.”
“Fuck,” he seethed. “I just thought of something.”
“I thought you’d thought of everything already,” I said with a soft laugh.
“What if they’re giving us the shits so we don’t sneak out of here to get back to Laney and Ash?”
“I think that’s the game plan,” I answered as my stomach made a noise that sounded like a boar dying.
“What the hell?” Collin said as I became suddenly nauseated and sweaty. “Oh, no. Your detox process is already starting.”
“Where’s the fucking toilet?” I damn neared yelled, not sure if shit was oozing out of my tightened and very resistant asshole.
“We have to go outside, remember? Dig our own holes like hunters while the wives gather or whatever?”
I didn’t have time to get angry, think, or even fucking respond to this curse of the shits that’d been cast over me. The gut-wrenching pain in my belly grew as I nearly shit all over myself whilst storming down the wooden steps of our makeshift hut. My guts were begging to be relieved as I dug my hands like claws into the dirt, opening a shallow hole that I wasn’t sure would be deep enough for the lava that was about to flow explosively from my terrified butthole.
I didn’t care how deep it was. Whatever was plugging the explosiveness was about to peek out of my ass like a turtle coming out of his shell, so I spun around, dropped my drawers, and let her rip. Luckily, I was more innovative than the average bear and knew how to be resourceful. So, while I shit, I dug another hole in front of me, working that mother fucker deep and wide like a World War Two foxhole. With the way my stomach was making noises and the cramps that were something that made me think of Ash in labor with our children, I knew I had to prepare myself to make whatever peace I could with my creator as my bowels released the toxins I was told I had in them.
“I’m never eating fast food again,” a pathetic mutter came from a man about six feet away.
“Oh, what the fuck?” I said, no longer feeling like I was in a private and peaceful setting in this dense forest filled with ferns and banana trees. I would probably be so damn traumatized after this that I’d never visit a tropical island again.
“Yeah, they said that the?—”
“Why are you out here?” I questioned, shocked I had no privacy in this asinine situation I never imagined myself to be in.
“It’s the only place to shit, man,” he said.
I half smiled. “Well, if I start calling on angels to take me, I’m sure you’ll understand,” I said when another sharp cramp hit.
“No kidding. I should’ve eaten less seafood,” another guy cried out from farther away in his own personal agony.
And without missing a beat, my main man came howling out of the nuthouse to join the rest of us on our shitholes of shame.
Silence took over while the papaya seeds and senna tea combo moved mountains and monsters out of our butts. By the time the sun rose, we’d all found ourselves asleep, leaning against palm trees for relief. My fucking legs were sore, and I didn’t have words to describe what my asshole was feeling like.I wasn’t even sure if I had one anymore after shitting the entire night.
I looked up and slowly opened my eyes when I heard the sound of a soft bell and saw Gustoff standing there. I had no energy and no will to live at the moment, and Gustoff knew it.
“Congratulations on accomplishingApana Vayu. This is one of the pranas in the body, of which there are five. The pranas are energies.Apana Vayuis situated in the rectum area and flows downwards. It is instrumental in discarding that which is unneeded. You must all feel a great accomplishment, knowing that your rectums have achieved a higher purpose in placing your bodies in a healthier state while expelling parasites and toxins that must be removed from our bodies.”
“I’m proud I still have mine,” Collin said the exact phrase I was thinking to myself.
“Very good. A positive phrase finally comes from the mouth of Dr. Brooks,” Gustoff said. “And yes, while all of you were beginning the first stage of your detoxification process, my staff and I researched your personal histories and the reasons you were recommended to our elite sexual intimacy program.”
“Oh, God. I forgot we were here to revive the sexual intimacy in our marriages,” I said with an exhausted laugh.
“Your orgasms will be much more intense now that the parasites have been flushed from your blessed rectums,” Gustoff said, having a little too much fun insulting us when we were so vulnerable.
“I forgot that it’s Christmas time. It’s only three weeks away,” another man said, bringing the holidays to my attention and how, instead of shopping or having holiday parties, I was hovering near a hole I had dug in the earth and filled with shit that dated back to my adolescent years. The man’s response had nothing to do with what Gustoff was speaking about, but that’sprobably because he’d lost all sense of time and space after last night’s harrowing ordeal.
“You will all feel one thousand percent motivated and thrilled to embrace the holiday season in any way you prefer,” Gustoff added with a smile before ringing the bell again.
“What’s the bell all about?” I questioned, still no energy to be combative.
“This is a Tibetan bell. It represents wisdom,” he said, seeming much kinder now that I was thinking about it.
