Page 92 of Sycopation
“But you’re not in love with me. Nothing beyond a friendship.”
And there it was. Very much two statements, rather than questions. Zavier pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I’m not in love with you. I’ve never been in love withanyone, Ray. I don’t fall in love. I don’tgetlove. I—” He shook his head. “I can’t explain it. All the romance shit—doesn’t makesenseto me.”
Of all the bedmates he’d had, he’d never felt as fucking torn up as he did now. People came and went in his life. Most of the people he’d fucked were exactly that—someone to fuck. Ray, though...they’d becomefriends. Good ones. He was comfortablewith Ray. Enjoyed his presence and everything about him. They were compatible inso manyways.
“I’m aromantic.” He wasn’tbroken—he knew that, even during moments like this, when he felt shattered, everything waswrong. Why was the world this way? He’d never understand. “You probably don’t even know what that means.”
That strange silence again. He expected hate or anger orsomething, but when Zavier lowered his hands and watched Ray, none of those emotions were there. Concern, and that worry from before, yes. But no resentment.
Ray spoke carefully. “I know whataromanticmeans, Zav.” He nodded. “Yeah, okay. That makes sense.”
Heat and cold danced across Zavier’s skin in waves. Rayknew. He knew? He fuckingknew?
Zavier was breathless, and all his control vanished in a tumult of emotions he couldn’t channel. “Whatmakes sense?” His lungs tightened and he fought back the tears, because what damn Dominant ever cried in bed? “Fuck.”
“It’s okay.” God, Ray’s voice was even beautiful when he murmured. “Everything now. I get it—as much as I can.”
“Get what?” Zavier repeated. “Me being an emotional mess right now or me being aromantic?”
“Both,” Ray said. “Though the emotional mess is kinda freaking me out a little. That’s usually my thing.”
Zavier laughed. He couldn’t help it. Their roles had switched up a little. “Yeah, well. Call it shock. No one’s even known the word before.”
“I do, though.” Ray was so damn serious.
“How?”
He shrugged, and his embarrassment blush crept up from his chest. “We have a lot of queer fans. Get mail and tweets and stuff. Sometimes people used words I didn’t know and I realized I didn’t think that much beyond ‘gay’ and that was pretty shittyof me. So I did research and learned what I could about other identities.”
That was completely consistent with what Zavier knew about Ray. Everything came back to the band and everything with the band came back to the fans.
“You’re not disappointed?” If Ray knew whataromeant, he’d know that the chances Zavier would ever fall in love with him were very,verylow. Especially since he wasn’t demi or gray or...well, attracted to Ray in any romantic way. Sex, sure. Friendship? Yes, please. But hold the roses and the candlelit dinners and all that.
“Disappointed? With you? Fuck no. Last night you tied me up, beat me, then fucked me until I couldn’t think. I’ll never be disappointed with you.”
“Really?” He didn’t quite believe that.
Ray’s smile had returned. “You aren’t romantic. I mean—you justaren’t. But you like me and you care?—”
“I’m yourfriend, you asshole, of course I care.” He didn’t know how many times he’d have to say that to get it into Ray’s skull.
“Iknow. Point is, you’re not pining after the one true love of your life who broke your heart or some such shit I couldn’t ever compete with.” Ray shrugged. “I’ve dated guys like that. Don’t want to do it again. I wasnevergood enough for them. They always wanted the one that got away—and that wasn’t me.”
Zavier struggled to wrap his brain around what he thought Ray was saying. He ought to get up and make coffee, but his skin was still in that weird prickly stage after surprise and fear. “So what now?”
Ray pulled his knees up to his chest, tenting the sheet. “I likethis. Being in bed with you. The kink. Being your friend. You’ve helped me so much, and I don’t know if you know that.” He rested his head on his knees. His eyes were soft, and so washis smile. “I just needed to understand what was going on. Best friends with benefits is fine.”
A second wash of pinpricks cascaded over Zavier, and he scrubbed his arms. They were remaining friends. They weren’t changing anything. Holy fuck. “Best friend? I thought that was Dominic.”
“Yeah, and Mish, too. I can have more than one best friend, you know.” A little snarky smile with that.
“Yes, but you’re not fucking them.” Zavier paused. “Whyaren’tyou fucking Dominic?” They were obviously close and had been since high school. That was a hell of a lot longer than Zavier had known Ray—reallyknown Ray.
Ray barked out a laugh. “You know, I’d been wondering when you’d ask me that.” He sobered. “Dom was the first person I came out to. And when I did, he came out to me.” A little shake of the head. “We were like fourteen at the time, I think? Anyway, we tried kissing and it washorrible.”
Zavier chewed on his tongue to keep from laughing. “Horrible?” Kissing Ray was nearly as good as being inside him.
“Yeah. Felt like we were siblings. Which in some ways we were. And are. Neither of us has a brother, so...we kind of filled that role. Including driving each other nuts.”
