Page 107 of Sycopation
“I don’t know yet.” That was the most truthful answer. “I haven’t had time to sit down and think.”
Mish rose from the bed and crossed the room. She held out her arms in invitation, and Zavier gave in, letting her hug him—welcoming the touch. If they could see he was out of sorts, hereally did need to get away for a little bit and churn though all the thoughts in his head.
She brushed her hand against his hair. “You’re a good man, Zav. And Ray cares a great deal for you.”
He took the compliment, and it warmed him. “I know he does.” He pulled back. “And thank you.”
She patted him on the cheek. “Take care of yourself, too, kiddo.”
Dom chuckled. “She means that. Or you won’t hear the end of it.”
That also warmed him. Their camaraderie. Many of the musicians he’d worked with in the symphony had found him somewhat cold as he fought to prove himself as a young and talented musician in a sea of talent—and that had put up barriers, which meant that he’d never really formed friendships there.
Here, they’d had to stick together, from day one. Mish and Dom were his friends. Ray, too, of course, but in a different way.
Howdifferent? God, his whole body itched. That was exactly the question, wasn’t it? How different was Ray from everyone else, andwhy? His head was a fucking mess. Part of him wanted to ignore the spinning of his mind, push on, and be here for everyone.
You can’t. You’re useless like this.
“Zav?” Mish interrupted his thoughts. “What do you need from us?”
Nothing. Wait. “Give me a minute.” He rummaged through the desk and found hotel stationery. No one sent letters anymore, but hell, they always left this stuff anyway in nice places. He scrawled out a short, simple note, put it in an envelope with Ray’s name on it and sealed it up. “Can you give this to Ray if he wakes before I come back? I need to get some fresh air.”
Mish took the note. “Of course.”
He made sure he had a keycard and his wallet, nodded at the two of them, and took off out the door.
I’m not running.Okay, so hewasrunning, but not away. He’d return. He just needed to wander for a while.
Rather than the elevator, he took the stairs all the way to the ground floor, then followed a corridor in the opposite direction of the arrow pointed toward the lobby, until he found himself at a loading dock. He let the door slam closed and lock behind him.
The alley led to a main street, and he chose the direction at random and walked. And walked some more. He turned corners on a whim. Stopped and studied window displays without really even seeing what was in them.
Ray. He couldn’t get that singular moment out of his head. Ray stumbling to him, terrified. Unable to speak. Falling into his arms. The swirl of people. Time standing still.
Zavier hadn’t been able to help. Only that wasn’tentirelytrue. He’d made space for the people who had helped. For Mish and for Dom. For the paramedics and the police. He blinked at the store window—stationery—and turned away.
Keep walking. Don’t think.Except he couldn’t stop thinking, and that struggle led him straight to a car rental place below a garage.
Zavier slowed and stared. Driving did clear his head, or at least gave him the space he needed to puzzle things out. So much of his high school years had been filled with drives once he’d gotten his license. His parents had been understanding about that, in retrospect.
So he went in and rented a car. They took no notice of his name, and the paperwork was quick. The rental guy pulled around the compact car that would be Zavier’s, and within fifteen minutes, he was on the road. Didn’t take him long to find an interstate. Then he drove and drove as his mind replayed Rayfalling into his arms. The ambulance pulling away. Carl’s red face.
He’d been there for Ray but unable to help, and that bore into him like fire. If Ray had been anyone else, maybe it wouldn’t have caused such terror. Maybe that dark pit in his gut wouldn’t be there.
But Ray wasn’t like anyone else to Zavier. That was aproblem.
Zavier knew who he was, knew his own tastes and needs and desires, or lack thereof. But Raythrewhim. There was so much about Ray he enjoyed, and not only the sex and the kink. The friendship. The music. His smile. Every damn thing. Watching him closing in on death’s door? That had been too much. Far too much.
He needed Ray. Didn’t want to be without Ray.
Zavier couldn’t find answers to calm the turmoil in his head, nor were there any brilliant insights on the road, so he just kept driving.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-TWO
Wakingup in a hotel room was far easier than it had been in the hospital. Awareness seeped into Ray like it normally did. The sound of a minifridge and an air conditioner. The soft sheets and too many pillows. No lights being turned on at odd hours or that strange antiseptic hospital smell.
