Page 105 of Under Your Scars
“I come here sometimes to think,” Christian says, putting his hands in his pockets and standing at the ledge, looking down. There are thick iron bars to keep us from falling over, but it’s still nerve-racking to be so high up. Reeves Enterprises is the tallest building in Meridian City. I thought the view from our office was beautiful, but something about being on the rooftop is so liberating.
“Can I ask you something?” I prompt. He nods. “When did you know you loved me?”
“Truly?” He laughs to himself. “I think Caroline knew before I did, but it was when she gave you that drawing. I had a very vivid flashback of giving my parents a crayon drawing when I was that young and remembered how my mother looked at me when she accepted it. That’s how you looked at Caroline and that was the moment it hit me that I wasn’t just obsessed with you, but that I loved you. That I wanted a life and a family with you. I decided right then and there that I wanted to marry you, and I contacted a jeweler that night and told them to find me the biggest purple diamond money could buy. I took my mom’s wedding ring, removed her stone, and replaced it with yours.”
Then he pulls the ring out of his pocket. It’s a silver band with the biggest diamond I’ve ever seen. Pear cut, with two other baguette diamonds jutting off on either side. It’s beautiful. Sparkly even in the dark of night. My breath catches in my throat as I stare at the thing like it's going to bite me. I look up at Christian from under my lashes. “If you brought me up here to propose, my answer is no.”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t bring you up here to propose. I just wanted you to know I was telling the truth, since I’m no good at it.”
“You’re very good at telling the truth,” I say as he puts the ring back in his pocket. “You’re just also very good at withholding information.” I stare up at him, and it begins to drizzle. “That Monday morning after we met, when you came up to my desk, were you there to see me?”
“Yes. I didn’t have a plan for what I was going to do when I got there, but I just wanted to see you again. As myself. But Neil fired you and then I had to do damage control.”
“If I had taken the bait and started falling for Christian Reeves from the very beginning, what would you have done about the Silencer?”
He thinks for a while. “I like to tell myself the Silencer would have left you alone. In some ways, I think it would have been easier if I had met you as Christian Reeves first. I feel like I could have saved you so much pain these past few months.” It begins to rain harder, but neither of us moves. “When did you know that you loved me?”
I suppose it’s only fair that he knows, though my story is less romantic than his.
“When they asked me who you were.” I take a deep breath. “The moment Frank pulled down my shorts, I knew I would have never given either of them the satisfaction of breaking me. Of getting me to tell them your name.” My voice breaks. “They tried very hard. And when they made you watch and I saw how desperately you were trying to get to me…I knew you really did love me, and that only made me love you more. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I didn’t want to admit that I was keeping a serial killer’s identity a secret at the expense of being haunted for the rest of my life. Only love can hurt that bad and still be worth it.”
He hangs his head down in shame. Rain drips from the ends of his hair. We’re now completely soaked through. Cold.
“I’m sorry. For everything. For the lies and the secrets and the pain I’ve put you through. I will never be worth that sacrifice, Elena. Never. Not even if I lived a thousand lifetimes trying to make it up to you.”
With careful fingers, I reach up to caress his cheek. His eyes find mine, his expression pained and guilty. “But youareworth that sacrifice. That’s why I’m still here.”
The next morning when I wake, Paolo graciously brings me breakfast and coffee in bed. I study from the time I wake up until I go to sleep.
That’s my routine for two full weeks. Christian bothers me very little. I think he knows that I need some space. He checks on me, but he doesn’t stay with me unless I ask, which isn’t often. This back-and-forth emotional roller coaster I’ve been feeling since he admitted he was the Silencer has exhausted me. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
But at least physically, I am healing. My ribs feel mostly back to normal. I take a walk in the mornings when it’s not raining, bundled up in a blanket as I walk around the perimeter of the property, usually with coffee in hand. It’s the middle of November now. The weather has gone cold. Thanksgiving is in just a few days. A few weeks after that, it’ll be my brother’s wedding, then Christmas, then New Years. It’s a busy time of the year, which is exactly what I need.
In the weeks since my parents were here, I’ve visited a clinic to double check for STD’s and let out a huge sigh of relief when all the tests came back negative. I also started my period right on time, which was another huge relief. I think after I knew I wasn’t going to be stuck with a physical reminder of my rape, a huge burden got lifted off my shoulders.
Christian asked me why I was crying the morning I got my period. When I told him, he hugged me, and I felt him try to hide his tears from me as he silently sobbed into my neck. I didn’t realize it would be such a relief for him, too.
Now that I’m certain I’m not pregnant or diseased, the good days don’t seem so impossible to reach anymore. It’s only been a few weeks, but I’m feeling more like myself than I thought I would.
Logic says that rape victims don’t like to be touched. Now that I’m living through the aftermath, I’ve discovered that, for me at least, it’s not about being touched. All I want to do is hug Christian. All I want is for him to kiss me. All I want is to sleep in the same bed as him and wake up with his arms wrapped around me.
Christian has got me so reliant on him for everything. Food, shelter, clothing, work, love, comfort. My entire life is controlled by him, and with that, my emotions too. He’s very good at saying all the right things. I don’t think he’s consciously making an effort to manipulate me; it just comes second nature to him now, and I will bend every time because I don’t want to know what it feels like to break.
I think that’s why I crave him so badly, despite everything I’m going through.
Today is the Monday before Thanksgiving. My family’s group chat has been blowing up with texts of excitement. It’s been a long time since we’ve all been together. I wasn’t expecting my brother to be at Thanksgiving this year, but he told me that Justin’s mom is healing surprisingly well after her transplant, so we’ll all meet at my parent’s house in Houston in three days’ time. I’ve already started packing. I can’t wait to get away from this city for a few days. I think it will do wonders for my mental health.
I leave my room to go to the kitchen to hunt for a snack to eat while I study. On my way to the kitchen, I hear very loud music coming from down one of the halls, towards Christian’s private gym. I don’t know why I’m like a moth to a flame, but I abandon the hunt for snacks and walk closer to the music. It’s so loud my ear drums hurt, and by the time I get to the gym, I don’t know how Christian hasn’t lost his hearing entirely.
I stand in the doorway and watch him. He’s in the middle of a set of pull-ups. Shirtless and dripping with sweat. His gray sweatpants cling to all the muscles in his legs deliciously.
The thought smacks me in the face. Christian is ridiculously attractive, he always has been, but I’ve been so disturbed by the truth about him being the Silencer that I stopped seeing it. I didn’t let myself acknowledge that I was attracted to him. It was hard enough admitting that I was in love with a serial killer. I don’t have any room for desire right now.
Christian finishes his set of pull-ups and drops to the floor, using a towel to pat dry his sweaty face. He turns down the music and faces me, all his scars on display. His wrists are almost completely scabbed over.
“Are you okay?”
The question stuns me. “Yeah. Why?”
