Page 98 of Under Your Scars
THE SILENCER
Elena,
I don’t think I’ve ever been in so much pain.
I want to be there when you leave,to say goodbye and tell you I’m sorry and beg you to stay.But I’m weak,so instead,I’m writing this letter and committing your sleeping face to memory.I couldn’t bear it if the last memory I had of you was the way you look at me now, after discovering the kind of monster I am.
You look disappointed. Scared. Angry.
But you’re angelic when you sleep.The perfect embodiment of the endearing nickname I’ve given you.
I wish I wasn’t the root cause of the burdens you bear.
I never believed in love at first sight.I never believed in soulmates.I made peace with the idea of being alone,and I had even made peace with death.
And then I met you.
I remember looking into your scared,tear-filled,honey-brown eyes the night we met and feeling an ache in my chest I had never felt before.I didn’t immediately realize it,but that ache was my soul latching on to yours,intertwining itself so deeply that no force on heaven or Earth could ever truly separate us again.
That ache was my heart’s way of telling me that you would be the first and only woman I would ever love.
You became my guardian angel.I will never let that sentiment go.If I wasn’t meant to love you,then fate would have let me pull that trigger.
I may have saved you that night,but you saved me too.
My heart has been yours ever since.I don’t just mean my love.I mean the actual,functional,beating heart in my chest is yours.
You’re taking it with you when you leave,and I’ll be nothing more than an empty shell with a gaping hole in my chest in the shape of you where my heart should be.
I know it’s not healthy,and it sure as hell isn’t fair to put this kind of pressure on you—to make you the essential anchor of my mortal life.To make you the tether to which I stay on this Earth.But you are.
I made you a goddess,Elena,and I worship you.You are my religion and my whole life is dedicated to loving you.That’s what the most loyal disciples do,right? Dedicate their lives to their divine savior.
If you never find it in your heart to trust me again—if you never believe another word I say—believe that I love you.My love isn’t perfect,and it isn’t beautiful.It’s broken and scarred and ugly,but all of it is yours.I will always be yours.
I will always be here ready to bow before the holy master of my soul.
I would do anything for you.If you ask me to move the sun out of your eyes,I will push it with my bare hands.If you ask me for the moon,I will wrap it in a purple ribbon and hand it to you.If you ask me for all the stars in the sky,I will create an entire galaxy,just for you.
But if you ask me to let you go?
Angel,you know I can’t do that.
If you’re gone,then what else do I have to live for?
Hope.
That’s what I have to live for.Hope that one day I might get to hear you say, “I love you too.”
So I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as it takes.
Forever yours,
Christian
CHAPTER 28
THE SILENCER
