Page 63 of Under Your Scars
Suddenly, I feel a small finger poke my cheek and turn my head. I smile when I see Caroline standing next to us with a big smile on her face.
“Hi Caroline,” Christian and I say in unison. I sit up on the couch and she takes a seat between us. I tap her on the nose, pulling a giggle from her. “What are you up to?”
She sighs and kicks her feet back and forth over the edge of the couch. “Miss Kelly said she would take us to the park, but she broke her ankle, so we came here for free time instead.”
I look around the room to see the arcade filled with children around Caroline’s age, and then Kelly at the back with a casted foot.
“We can take you to the park,” Christian says, lifting Caroline up to carry her and then lacing his fingers with mine. On our way out, he lets Kelly know we’ll take good care of her, and then we make the short walk to the park. Caroline wiggles out of Christian’s arms and makes a break for the empty playground set. She puts her hands up like she’s on a rollercoaster when she goes down the spiral slide.
She’s so cute it hurts. Her joy is infectious.
Caroline goes down the slide several more times, and on her fifth time down, I notice she has some dirt on her arm. “Come here, sweetie.”
I try to wipe it away before I realize it’s not dirt at all.
It’s a tattoo of a serial number.
I gasp quietly and let her go, mumbling about how a bug landed on her and then turn around quickly to hide the brewing tears in my eyes. I feel like all the breath has been stolen from my lungs and my milkshake threatens to make a comeback. I try my best to blink away the stubborn tears. Christian immediately notices and subtly pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and hands it to me. “Take a deep breath,” he whispers quietly. I can still hear Caroline giggling behind me and I’m so glad she hasn’t noticed my breakdown, because that’s exactly what this is. I feel dizzy as a hot flash spreads through my body. “Breathe,” Christian whispers again. “No one can hurt her here, Elena.”
“How can people be so fucking evil?” I whisper back, a new wave of tears slipping down my cheeks. I dab them away and finally catch a steady breath. I sniffle once and then turn around as Caroline comes down the slide again. I give her a small smile and try to let her radiating happiness fill my heart again. Caroline asks me to take the next trip down with her, so I crawl onto the steps and take a seat behind her. As I push off to go down, I feel my phone vibrate a few times in my pocket, but don’t think anything of it. Once we’re back on the ground, Caroline jumps into me and gives me a big hug. A folded-up piece of paper falls out of her jacket pocket, and I pick it up for her.
“Oh yeah! I forgot! I drew this for you, Elena. It’s safe!”
Safe?I wonder to myself what she could mean by that when she unfolds the paper to show me the drawing.
There’s a big yellow sun in the corner, grass on the ground, and three stick figures sitting on a bench. On the bench is a woman that has long brown hair and comical eyelashes, a man with a red tie, and a smaller person with a blonde ponytail tied with a big purple bow.
Caroline points at the stick figure in the middle. “That’s me.” She points at the man. “That’s Mr. Reeves.” She points at the woman. “And that's you, Elena!”
Caroline holds up her drawing proudly. I nearly burst into tears again when I spot that serial number on her arm, and I understand what she means now.
She drew what makes her feel safe.
“Oh, Caro, it’s beautiful. Thank you so much,” I coo, giving her another big hug. Christian squats down next to us, kissing my cheek. Caroline says my name to get my attention, to which Christian and I both give to her.
“Will you be my mommy?”
My lungs seize up again, and I frantically look at Christian, hoping he can telepathically tell me what to say to her. “Um…” I mumble, trying to buy more time. “Well, I don’t think I can, honey. My…my house is too small. Don’t you want a big room all to yourself?”
“No!” she loudly whines, hugging me tight around my neck. “I want you to be my mommy. Please? I’ll be good, I promise.”
My shoulders slump in defeat and I pull her onto my lap to hold her close, trying to disappoint her in the most delicate way I can think of. “Maybe someday?” I gently suggest, but I can tell she doesn’t like that answer, because she pushes away from me to retreat into Christian’s arms instead. He hugs her close as she cries into his neck and I feel horrible, but I know that I couldn’t tell her yes. I can’t give her hope. I barely have my own life together. Adopting or fostering her just isn’t a possibility. All I can promise her is to visit often, but not much more than that.
“I’m going to take her back inside,” Christian says. I nod and he gives me a sympathetic smile, because he feels the same way I do. While Christian is gone, I move to the swings and sit down in one, kicking my legs back and forth to create a gentle momentum.
Pulling out my phone to check it, I see several missed texts. Two from my brother about wedding nonsense, and two from the Silencer.
Unknown: I’m running out of patience,angel.
Unknown: Don’t keep me waiting much longer.
I delete the texts and wait on the swings for Christian to come back. As I stand up to leave, I freeze.
No. No, no, no.
I tell Christian I need to use the restroom, and when I get into a stall, I pull down my pants to find the red wave has come almost three weeks early.
I’ve been on the pill since I was fifteen, and I’ve never gotten my period in the middle of a pack—not even spotting. Luckily, I have a tampon and a change of underwear in my purse. Even though my period is like clockwork, I always seem to forget and have found myself in one too many situations like this to not be prepared.
