Page 114 of Under Your Scars
The flight to Texas will be short. Two hours, give or take a few minutes to account for the crazy Thanksgiving air traffic.
After my conversation with Edwin, I made a silent promise to myself, and to her, that I’m going to do better. I’ve been selfish throughout our entire relationship. I’ve manipulated every part of it into my version of perfect, or at least tried. But Elena’s version of perfect is different than mine. She wants trust. She wants that sickeningly sweet kind of love that gives her cavities.
I’ve never had a cavity, but I guess it’s never too late.
“How’s the studying going?” I ask. “Every time I walk past your room you’re buried in a textbook.”
“You know…I actually feel great. I know what to expect this time and now that I’ve got a few months of experience working in the field, I feel a lot more prepared than I have in the past.”
That makes me smile. “I’m proud of you.”
She scoffs. “I haven’t passed anything yet.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t be proud of you. You’re committed to your career, and I’ve always admired that about you. I offered you a chance to be my personal secretary and you wanted to stay in the legal department because you knew that was better for you and your goals. The test is in February, right?”
She nods. “Yeah, end of February. A few days after your birthday.”
“Your birthday’s in February too.” I point out. “Tell you what, after you pass the exam, we’ll take a trip to celebrate our birthdays and your accomplishment.”
“You know the exam results don’t come out for up to three months, right?”
I hum. “Details, details.” Elena’s shoulders sag suddenly, and I set my glass of whiskey to the side to give her my full attention. “What is it?”
“Nothing. It’s stupid.”
She looks down at her hands in shame. I sink down to the floor from my seat and kneel in front of her. I brace my hands on the armrest on either side of her. “Tell me.”
She bites her pouty bottom lip to try and hide her nerves. “I want you to kiss me,” she whispers, and then she scoffs humorlessly, as if she’s being ridiculous. “But I’m scared.”
“Of me?”
She shakes her head. “No. I’m scared I won’t like it anymore.”
“That’s not true. You know I’m a very good kisser.” I tease, and it pulls a sad laugh from her. “What if you kissed me, instead?” I suggest.
“What if I can’t?”
“Then you can’t, and we won’t. Hey, look at me. Angel, it’s been less than a month. You don’t have to push yourself to do anything. Not kissing, not holding hands, not anything. I’m sorry I didn’t respect your boundaries after…” I gulp. I can’t even say the words. “I will respect them now. I promise.”
She considers me for a long time, taking deep breaths and trying to blink away the gloss in her eyes before I notice it. Very slowly, she leans forward. I stay so still that I’m practically made of marble. She kisses my cheek, so soft and featherlight I barely feel it. She pulls away and stares at me, and I continue to stay immobile. I keep my eyes locked on hers in a warm, encouraging way.
She reaches up her hand to run the very tips of her fingers along my jaw, feeling the stubble there. She lets out a quiet, open-mouthed exhale. She wets her lips with her tongue and leans in again. This time, when her mouth touches mine, it’s still slow and hesitant and cautious, but there’s more life in her.
She pulls away abruptly and slumps into her seat, crossing her arms and looking away from me to hide the tears welling in her eyes.
I move to sit in the seat next to her. It is agony to not reach for her and comfort her with my embrace. “Elena, it’s okay,” I assure her. “Most people in your position wouldn’t even go that far.”
“It’s not about the kiss,” she croaks, sucking in a breath through her teeth. “I want you to hold me so bad. I want you to kiss me and I want you to have sex with me and I want to sleep in the same bed with you without wanting to peel off my own skin. But I can’t do any of those things because they took you away from me.”
Her voice breaks on the last part of her sentence.
“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
She lets out an exasperated sigh and then faces me, tucking her feet under her in the seat. “No. I mean every time you touch me all I can see is them.” Her pouty bottom lip begins to quiver. “They took you away from me.”
“They can’t hurt you anymore.”
“The damage was done the moment Frank pulled down my shorts.” She begins to cry. “Neil had a gun to my head, and I couldn’t do anything but take it. I didn’t even put up a fight.”
