Page 99 of And Still Her Voice
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I called home to let Mom know I got married. It was a bigger shock to her than the idea of me going to India, which I’d tried to explain was only because I thought I might finally find a way to get rid of Grandma. “Just ignore her,” Mom used to say.
And as a matter of fact, Grandma had been pretty quiet during my time in India and most especially during my time with Tommy. Was this a sign that she thought I was in good hands?
“And I’m moving to Hawaii.” I told my mother.
“Well, I can’t stop you. Have a nice life.”
CHAPTER 35
Life and Death
Perhaps as a way to prepare me for a life of spinsterhood, my mother told me stories about the old country and how the saddest day was when a girl got married and, after that, there were no guarantees it would get better. The day I married Tommy was the first best day of my life, and after that, it only got better and better, one good wave after the other. We spent the next three years in Hawaii in military housing, me adjusting to marriage and easing into a new routine. Tommy got assigned to the search and rescue station in Honolulu, on duty two days and two days off. I got my GED and then signed up for classes at the local college studying music. During his time off, we surfed and soaked up the sun. We visited all the other islands, hiked waterfalls and biked to volcano peaks. We cooked at home and read poetry, discussed world history, listened to music and danced. I even played my guitar and started writing music again.
***
1974: After our time in Hawaii, Tommy got promoted and we were transferred to Terminal Island in San Pedro, California. When I walked into our new house at Fort MacArthur, I broke down and cried when I saw the piano dwarfing the room.
“I figured, now that we’re closer to Los Angeles, you might want to get back to your music, seriously. Maybe record some stuff.” He then handed me a copy of theRolling Stonemagazine. The issue that came out the time John had died. “I found it packed away with your sheet music.”
I recognized my face behind John and the rest of the Lazarus band. Tommy read out loud: “The last two songs on the albumBumpy Roadswere recorded entirely in the studio and are nonetheless the most accurate reproduction of the band’s acclaimed live performances. Years later and fans are still talking about Anna LeMar’s virtuoso piano boogie which dominates the album giving it a unique sound.”
Tommy knew my dreams even if I didn’t. He knew I needed to make music. While he was out to sea, my music kept me company. I found myself staying up late into the night and wasted no time filling every moment composing. Sometimes, I’d even forget to eat or get out of my pajamas. Around the time I finally had some music ready to record, Tommy got promoted to BM1 and spent more time ashore. I grew comfortable in our new rhythm, remembering to change into something nice, brush my teeth, and comb my hair before he came home. I looked forward to dinners with him seated across the table from me, sharing my lyrics and his sea stories, getting lost in his loving eyes. Getting lost in my music, life seemed perfectly harmonious.
And then a couple of years later, as careful as I thought I’d been, I found myself pregnant. I didn’t know what to do. We’d talked about how I didn’t think I’d be a good mother, and how I wanted to devote myself to my music career and how I didn’t think it was right to bring a child into this crazy world, but now I couldn’t keep it from him. Our relationship had been built on trust and honesty—except for the part about my dual consciousness, the real reason I didn’t want children. It was the part of me still connected to the past called Grandma Phoebe, pretty muchfifty percent of me. But, other than that, I’d been pretty forthright. Besides, it had been quite some time since Grandma had popped in, years as a matter of fact.
I hadn’t found the right time yet to tell him about her. Ever since my father died, she hadn’t pushed me so much or pressed me to go home. There was no one for her there anymore. Everyone she’d loved, besides my siblings and me, dwelled somewhere on the other side, somewhere Tibetens called the perfect realm of Amitabha. But now something had been reawakened and I feared this baby might give her a new purpose in this life. I wondered whether in good consciousness I should keep it. And sure enough, Grandma came back.
“Darling, this is thrilling news,” she said in a blinding color of sunshine. “You must tell Thomas. I promise everything is going to be fine.”
She hadn’t wanted anything or anyone getting in the way of her first love, music. I thought about all of the tragedies that ensued once she let anyone else in. Thanks to Grandma, I’d never known what I was passionate about. But, ironically, on my journey to rid myself of her, I’d discovered that I hungered for more than one thing.
Grandma tried to assure me she’d have no part in raising our child. “Darling, on our journey together, believe me, I learned so much. I’ve made so many mistakes, things I cannot undo. I wanted to shape you. But time and time again, in spite of everything, you proved your strength, your self-will, your perfect heart. I can see how we are both so consumed by the need to feel love, the need to love and be loved back. I would tell myself I was helping, but I learned that it was all about me. I realize that now. You see, consciousness without love becomes need and dependency and control all in the name of love. True love comes with freedom or liberation without any condition, without any hand asking for something back.”
“You mean with no strings attached. You mean you shouldn’t have acted like my puppet master.”
“There is nothing more I can do from here; nothing I will do.”
“If only it were as easy as cutting the strings.”
“You must learn to trust me.”
Maybe, I should have a little faith? She’d proven herself to me by staying out of my relationship with Tommy. She seemed to have evolved. Or perhaps we’d gotten to the point where she’d merely become so familiar to me that I didn’t notice her anymore.
“Only you and Thomas can shape the baby now.”
“What about my father?”
“His death was by suicide and therefore not a perfect death,” Grandma said. “He cannot transfer. Do not worry.”
I thought about it, a bit relieved that my father had ended the cycle, but then what about others just lurking out there in that other realm?
“All will be fine. Tell your husband about the baby, so that you can both start loving him unconditionally.”
I had no choice except to trust her. “I do appreciate your leaving me alone all this time, but I beg of you to keep out of this.”
“And I appreciate you staying out of trouble, darling.”
