Page 55 of And Still Her Voice
He yanked off my panties like he’d husked an ear of corn. I twisted around, punching and smacking, until finally I kicked him in the balls. He curled into a ball before springing up, grabbing my wrist and then slapping me across the face. “Cockteaser.”
Well if I was a cockteaser, then Grandma was the cockblocker. “Young man, your father never seemed to mind the oral titillation,” she said, just as another boy in a cowboy hat appeared and grabbed my assailant’s arm.
“Hey, dude. Not cool,” cowboy hat said.
The boy, barn owl-eyed, backed off and away yelling at me, “You’re fuckin’ crazy.”
I dashed off to the bus hoping to find River, but when I boarded, calling out, I only heard the echo of his name. I made my way to the back and stripped out of my torn dress into my long T-shirt. The chilly temperature sobered me up like a slap across the face. Crawling into my cold sleeping bag, I broke into a sob, wishing I’d checked into the hotel with the other girls. “Why did you have to say you worried that I’d be like Dad?”
“I’m sorry, darling. But in the moment, it was all I could come up with.”
“But do you really believe that?” I blubbered, shivering.
“Of course not. You’re nothing like your father. You’re a good person; kind and gentle, thoughtful and full of compassion. But like him, you just want to be loved.”
“And is it a sin to want to be loved?”Love?Dad sure went about it the wrong way. I’m done with boys. I wiped my nose on my sleeve and then cinched my covers close to my strained heart.
“Darling, remember, you must not confuse lust for love.”
Not in the mood to listen to Grandma and her version of love, I pulled the blanket over my head. I knew it was futile, but maybe she’d get the message. She didn’t.
“I remember when I was just about your age—” Oh, for God’s sake. “All the beaus; all the heartache. And then I met your grandfather and it was a forbidden love.”
“Why?” I was sorry I’d asked. She made this all about her, again.
“Well, because, as you might remember, he was married with three children.” No, I didn’t remember. “I was the piano teacher. Being around him was agony. Finally, I left the country. How I mourned the separation. But grief is the price we pay for love.”
“Obviously, it worked out for you or I wouldn’t be here.”
“If it had worked out for me, darling, I wouldn’t be here.”
“What does that mean?” Again, sorry I asked, but then I heard someone boarding.
I sat up to see River heading toward me as Grandma whispered, “Get some sleep, darling. When the time is right and when the right person comes along, I promise to get out of your hair.”
Hmph.
“I’ll disappear, I swear to you.”
River turned on a light. “You’re back early,” he said.
“And how was your quickie?”
“You’ve been crying. What’s wrong?”
Where to begin? “I’m trashed as in, I’m trash. Just a horrible person,” I said, rolling over to hide my face.
“Look at me.”
By the time I turned to face him, he’d already crawled into his sleeping bag.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, except that you’re shivering. Come over here,” he said, inviting me into his sleeping bag. “I read where families in the Arctic sleep naked together to keep warm.”
“Gross. I’m not getting naked,” I said.
“Me neither.” He pulled back his bedroll to show he wasn’t naked. Finally, I climbed in and he laughed as he rolled away from me.
“Why can’t you love me?” I whispered, “If only you could, it would make our lives so much easier.”
