Page 101 of And Still Her Voice
A couple of months later and eight months pregnant, I felt the weight of a nation pushing down on my pelvic area. My hands and feet were as swollen as pork sausages. I put my feet up to make a call. Tommy had been transferred again this time to the Channel Islands station on an eighty-two-foot patrol boat. I wanted to catch River up and give him my new address in Oxnard. After the second ring, a man picked up the phone.
“Hello, is River there?”
“No, I’m his friend, Etienne. Who is this?”
I smiled wondering if he was the Mandingo Warrior. “Anna, uh, Honey Moon.”
“Oh, dear. I’m so sorry to have to break the news. River is dead.”
It felt as if I lay on a bed of needles. I cradled my stomach. Sitting up too soon, the pain grew sharper. How could this be? I’d been thinking about him so much lately. I swear I was just getting ready to call as soon as I had a minute, just like the time I was going to call my father as soon as I got the chance, or rather, the courage. River had died of an unknown virus like pneumonia, Etienne said. He didn’t want anyone to know. He’d been sick for a while, baffling all of his doctors. Some strange pandemic. Like the dancing pandemic he’d mentioned? If he were still here, he’d laugh. I burst into tears.
There’d been a small service in New Orleans, including his mother from Iowa and his father Marvin. Etienne told me River had written me a letter but never got the chance to finish it.
“Do you know what it said?” I asked through a deluge of tears.
“I have it right here.” Etienne cleared his throat.
My Darling Honey Moon.
I hope thisfinds you well. Please know that I have loved yousince the beginning of time and will continue to loveyou to the Honey Moon and back.
I’m soproud of you! You’re probably the most courageous-girl-turned woman I’ve ever met, an inspiration, and fearlesstruth seeker. Your search has brought you to the answersyou were looking for. Our paths crossed for a reasonand I know they will cross again. At this time,because of what you’ve taught me, I’m preparingto transfer my consciousness over to that perfect realm ofAmitabha . . .
“He didn’t finish the letter,” Etienne said. “I came across it inside a little book on his nightstand, next to his pills.”
“What book?”
“Tibetan Book of theDead.”
I remembered when he borrowed the book from Mother Mary’s room back in the Haight. I’d never be the same and it would take time for me to process the loss of my soul brother, all the while wondering whether or not he’d been able to transfer over successfully.
CHAPTER 37
Get Me to anAshram
The news of River’s death coincided with our move. I hadn’t been paying attention to my health and then when I learned that Alice Coltrane now “Turiyasangitananda” had opened an ashram over the hill in Calabasas, I thought it might be good to visit in order to come to terms with his death. I wanted to get myself centered and healthy in body and spirit, especially, before visiting my family and certainly before the baby arrived. Tommy dropped me off.
The retreat in the Santa Monica Mountains was magnificent and it was wonderful to see Alice again.
After dinner, I took a walk under a star-filled night beneath the light of a waxing harvest moon, serenaded by the music of crickets chirping and coyotes howling in the distance. I felt a connection to nature again. A star shot across the sky. We are all light. River you will always be a light in my life. A light breeze bussed my cheek. You’re walking with me now, I feel you. I touched my face and then tightened my shawl around my shoulders. I experienced the same peace I’d felt in India. Even though I carried the extra weight of a baby, I stepped lighter. Everything was going to be okay. I’d write a song about this night.
***
Heading home, the inside of the car roasted hotter than a bus in India. Growing drowsy, I thought about how happy it made me to hear Alice sing again and it took me back to the first time I heard her in New York. I couldn’t wait to get home to my piano. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a place in my home, like Grandma’s chamber room, where I could raise our child and still play my music? I hummed a tune I’d put to my new lyrics.Let love be theanswer.Soon, I could no longer keep my eyes open and dozed.
I awoke and put my hand down to rub my stomach. The baby had been flipping around.
“Look, Anna,” Tommy said, hooking a thumb across my brow, “Griffith Park.” It didn’t register that we were headed south instead of back home. “Isn’t that where you hung out as a kid?”
I’d done a good job keeping some things from him, but the time would come when I’d have to come clean about what happened that fateful Easter after we got home from the park.
“Someday, we’ll bring Junior to ride that carousel.” He rested his hand over mine.
I turned to face him, and he looked blurry. I blinked and rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. “Junior, I don’t like that name. Besides, what if he’s a girl. It’s probably about time to nail down a name?”
“Sure, what do you have in mind this week?”
I’d gone back and forth on a couple of names, but finally I couldn’t waste any more time. “Dylan.”
