Page 16 of Safe Word
It seemed as if no one in her life had her best interest in mind. I needed to be that person for her. I walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed two bottles of water as I tried to remind myself of the person I was before I knew just how much Carteay needed me.
I tried to remember rules and boundaries that I had made half of my fucking personality. Never let yourself be the thing someone needs protection from. Never blur the lines between duty and desire. Never confuse comfort and access with permission. Guard even the most tempting things from your own greed and hunger.
I followed my rules, and they kept me balanced. I wore the honor and integrity I’d honed like a suit of armor. Right now, that armor felt heavy as fuck. I wanted it off. I wanted to give myself permission to want her.
It felt wrong to let myself have her, no matter how much she insisted that what we were doing wasn’t a mistake. She was vulnerable. I didn’t even feel like myself with her. No matter how many times I reminded myself to be the steady ground she could stand on, I was slowly becoming another cliff she might have to jump off.
I must have stayed in the kitchen too long because she walked in bringing her sugary scent and warm smile with her.She was adorable with her bare feet, white painted toes, and her long braids pulled into a bun on top of her head.
“Teach me Tai Chi. I want to be able to defend myself if I have to.”
The thought alone made my chest tight. I didn’t want her to have to defend herself, especially not from Cyrus’s punk ass. I was ready to dismember anyone putting their hands where they didn’t belong. No one’s hands should be on her unless she gave them permission, even me. Hell, especially me. I was supposed to be her protector, not her lover.
At the same time, I knew it was realistic that she might have to defend herself one day. Even if it had nothing to do with that bitch Cyrus, she had enough fans to make her vulnerable. Her request was simple, yet it meant everything. If she wanted to learn, I didn’t mind teaching her.
I couldn’t help but laugh when she got into a fighting stance. Setting my phone on the counter, I moved over to her and put my hands on her shoulders to help her sink lower. With one foot, I helped her spread her feet shoulder width apart and placed my hand on the small of her back to steady her. Placing my hand on her shoulder, I nudged her gently.
“This position grounds you. That way you aren’t bracing for impact because you’re rooted to the ground.”
She nodded as she steadied herself in position. “OK.”
“Keep your base low,” I instructed, tapping my hip and then putting my hand on hers in the same place to show her what I meant.
She copied my position. When I was satisfied, I moved behind her. My hand rested on her hip, not sexually but as a guide. Still, I felt the hitch in her breath once it was there. With one hand on her hip and the other on her wrist, I directed her movements. They weren’t as fluid as they could and would be down the line, but she followed.
“Kannon, what if he goes too far one day?”
My jaw ticked at the thought of him going too far. I didn’t want him touching her at all. I damn sure didn’t like the idea of him hurting her again. I wanted to tell her that, but instead, I offered what little comfort I could short of offering to send him back to his maker.
“Don’t think about that, C. Just know that whenever you need me, I’m coming.”
She turned to face me. She closed her eyes for a beat then opened them. The sheen of tears had me reconsidering making that offer. I wanted Cyrus dead. That was the only way that I could guarantee her safety when I wasn’t around.
“I need to be able to fend him off when no one is around.”
“You might need to think about getting a gun.” I leveled with her.
“I don’t want to kill him. I just want him to stay the hell away from me.”
“I understand. Just make sure you stand firm. I’ll show you what I can while you’re here, but you won’t be able to learn enough to fight him, Carrie. I don’t even want you to try. Honestly, I want to go ahead and kill him before he has the chance to put his fuckin’ hands on you again.”
“Kannon.” She sighed but didn’t offer much else in protest.
“I’m just saying. Give me the word, C. We don’t have to go into a deep discussion.”
“The scary part is how serious you sound.”
I shrugged. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. My job is to protect you from whoever and whatever.”
“That’s not your job right now. Right now, your job is to be my friend and help me hide out from the world.”
“My job is always gon’ be to protect you, sweetheart.”
“You know what I mean, Kannon.”
“Like I said.” I lifted my brows, looking down as I waited for a rebuttal.
When she didn’t offer one, I continued walking her through some basic moves. Carteay having to use any of this shit in the future didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to kill her boy toy. Still, she got some of the moves down pretty good.
