Page 22 of Jingle Bell Flock
Strange how things could shift.
Harrison was quiet for a moment. “I spent some time with your dad after I moved back.”
“You did?”
“We sat on your porch and drank beer and talked about the farm. The weather. Nothing important.” His smile was sad. “Until he asked me what happened between me and his ‘stubborn son.’ Said he always thought we’d end up together.”
My lungs constricted, and my heart stuttered. “What did you tell him?”
“The truth. That I’d fucked up. That I’d let fear make my choices for me, and I’d lost the best thing that ever happened to me because of it.” Harrison’s eyes met mine. “He nodded, like he wasn't surprised. Then he said, ‘Well, Jeremy’s stubborn as a mule, but he’s not stupid. If you ever get your head out of your ass and apologize, he might forgive you.’”
Despite everything, I felt my mouth twitch. That sounded exactly like something Dad would have said.
“Sounds like he knew more than he ever let on,” I murmured.
Harrison’s thumb continued to trace patterns on my hand as we fell into silence. It was a different kind of quiet, though. Lighter. Like we’d lanced something poisonous and could finally start to heal.
Well, mostly. Harrison had come clean about what he was going through back then, and I knew I couldn’t fully put this behind me until I did too.
“The worst part about prom night …” I began, the words sticking in my throat. “I was going to tell you something. That night."
Harrison’s thumb stopped mid-stroke. “Tell me what?”
I closed my eyes, as if that would make what I was about to confess easier. “I was going to tell you that I loved you. That I wasin lovewith you.” The confession came out whisper-soft. “I had it all planned out. After the dance, we’d head out to the island, and I’d tell you. I thought …” I swallowed hard and made myself continue.
“I hoped maybe you’d say it back. That maybe we could find a way to make things work, even if we had to hide from everyone else. As long as we had each other, I thought we’d be okay.” I had to stop, had to breathe.
The bed shifted as Harrison moved, but I kept my eyes shut, couldn’t bear to see his face. Couldn't bear to see pity or regret or worse.
“Then I saw you with Sarah, and I realized I’d been an idiot. Figured you didn’t feel the same way. That I’d built this whole fantasy in my head, and you were just … I dunno. Experimenting or whatever.”
“Jeremy.” Harrison’s voice broke on my name. “Look at me. Please.”
I couldn’t. If I looked at him and saw that he hadn’t loved me—not the way I’d loved him—I’d shatter completely. There’d be no coming back from that.
His hand cupped my face, turning me toward him with gentle insistence. “Jeremy. Open your eyes.”
Almost against my will, my eyes fluttered open. His face was inches from mine, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I loved you, too,” he whispered. “I wasin lovewith you. So much so that I couldn’t breathe sometimes.”
“You did?”
“Every day from the time I was old enough to understand what it meant.” His voice was raw. “But I didn’t know what to do with those feelings. How big they were. How terrifying.”
Then he kissed me.
It wasn't like last night—frantic and desperate and laced with anger. This was gentle. Reverent. Like he was trying to give seventeen-year-old me the story I’d never gotten. Like he was trying to rewrite history with the press of his lips against mine.
When he pulled back, his forehead rested against mine, his breath warm on my face. “I should have told you,” he whispered. “Should have been braver.”
For a moment, I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Could only stare at him while his confession rewrote everything I’d believed for seventeen long years.
“You loved me,” I repeated, testing the words and trying to process them.
“So much,” Harrison confirmed, his thumb brushing across my cheekbone, wiping away tears I hadn’t realized had fallen. “You were everything to me. You still—” He stopped himself.
Still what?
