Page 15 of Jingle Bell Flock
“Fuck,” he growled against my mouth, his hands fisting in my sweater. “I can’t—” He broke off, his forehead dropping to my shoulder, his whole body bow tight. His breath came in harsh pants against my neck.
“Jeremy?” I whispered, my hands gentling on his back.
He pulled away slightly, just enough to meet my eyes. His pupils were blown wide, his lips swollen from kissing. “I want you to fuck me.”
The words hit me right in the gut. Hard. Unexpected.
Before, he’d always been the one fucking me. Once, I’d called him on it, teased him about thinking it was ‘too gay,’ but he’d only laughed and said, “Nah, I just want to crawl inside your body and live there.”
I stared at him now, trying to catch my breath, trying to understand what he was offering. This didn’t feel like it was just about sex. This was Jeremy giving me something he’d never given before—and maybe never would again.
“Come upstairs,” I said quietly, extending my hand.
Jeremy reached out and laced his fingers with mine, letting me lead him. If this really was goodbye, I wanted to savor every moment, to show him what I could never put into words.
Our footsteps echoed on the wood treads, the third stair from the top creaking loudly beneath our weight.
In my bedroom, I turned to him, my thumb tracing the line of his jaw before I leaned in. His lips parted under mine, softer than before, his breath catching when I pulled away.
“I need you to know something.” I moved toward my nightstand, needing the distance to get the words out. “I haven’t been with anyone since I moved back to Mistletoe Bay.” I dragged open the drawer, revealing an unopened box of condoms and a half-empty bottle of lube.
I hadn’t set out to be celibate. But being back in the town where I’d fallen in love for the first time made casual hookups feel impossible. And once Jeremy moved home? The idea of being with anyone else became unthinkable.
“I know we never used protection before, but we’re not kids anymore. I’ll do this however you want.” I paused, making myself meet his eyes. “You should also know I’m on PrEP.”
Jeremy’s expression flickered with something I couldn’t quite read before he looked away. “Yeah. Okay.” His gaze dropped to the floor, a flush spreading from his neck to his cheeks. “I haven’t been with anyone since…” He hesitated, his throat working, then he seemed to force the words out. “Since the night I found out you’d bought the farm next door.”
My stomach dropped. “What happened?” I asked, already knowing I didn’t want to know the answer. His tone told me it wasn’t a good story.
He huffed out a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh. “What do you think happened?” His eyes lifted to mine, sharp and unflinching. “I went to some shitty bar off the highway and found someone willing. Took him into the bathroom, pinned him up against the wall, and fucked his brains out.”
“Jesus, Jeremy.” My throat felt tight, my pulse hammering in my ears. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. “You did that because ofme?”
He let loose a short, humorless laugh. “Don’t flatter yourself. It wasn’t about you. It was aboutme. About trying to prove I don’t still…” He stopped himself, but it was too late. The silence that followed those words finished the sentence for him.
“Anyway. That was the last time. Got tested after. Everything came back negative.” His fingers raked through his hair, leaving it standing up in dark, uneven tufts. “If you want to skip the condoms, I’m okay with that. I’m safe.”
A smarter man might’ve reached for the box in the drawer and done what made sense. But logic had left the premises the moment Jeremy had hauled me to him and sealed his lips to mine.
Maybe it made me a gullible asshole, but I believed him. Not because I was being rational. But because, for the first time since he’d come home, Jeremy had dropped his mask. Every wall he’d built, he’d cracked wide open. He wasn’t lying to me. But most of all, he wasn’t lying tohimself.
I closed the distance between us, the scruff of his beard tickling my palms as I cupped his face, forcing his stormy, uncertain eyes to meet mine. My thumbs traced slow circles over his cheekbones.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” My voice cracked on the last word.
Jeremy’s jaw tightened. He pulled back from my touch, taking a step away, his hand raking through his hair. “Want?” He gave a sharp laugh, but there was no humor in it. “No. I don’twantthis. I don’twantto be angry and miserable all the damn time remembering shit I can’t forget.” His chest heaved, his eyes fierce. “But Ineedit, Harrison. I need something to make it stop.”
My throat closed. “Make what stop?” I whispered, afraid to hear the answer.
“This.” He gestured helplessly between us. “Seventeen years of wondering why what we had wasn’t enough. WhyIwasn’t enough. If I give myself to you, maybe I can finally stop wondering. Maybe it’ll get you out of my system. Maybe I can finally move the fuck on.”
His words landed like shards of glass. My chest constricted, the air leaving my lungs.
He thought one night—one desperate, angry fuck—would somehow fix what I’d broken.
Not enough.
All this time, he thought he hadn’t been enough for me. That somehow the problem had been him, when the truth was I’d never wanted anything—anyone—more. I just hadn’t known how to defy my parents. I hadn’t known how to be what Jeremy needed and what they expected of me. So I’d made a choice.
