Page 97 of Grave Love
But I can decide my own ending.
I wipe the knife on my shirt, then check my gun in the holster. It’s loaded. I make a plan to find heroin in the parking lot behind Pier Park. There’s always someone selling there. I’ll use my brother’s money and buy enough to kill an elephant.
Ren will have her choices. I can’t change what she decides.
But I’m choosing her.
Chapter36
Ren
I sitat the edge of the Last Spring, behind the newest row of gravestones. My phone is open to the block list. All it would take is one click, and Blaze would be able to call me again.
Has he thought of me at all since I left his house?
The fury builds inside of me, a heat that tightens my jaw, pain gathering in my shoulders. It’s pathetic—being your own worst enemy, ruining every good thing that happens in your life. I told myself I’d go to the medical spa and end things for good this time. I haven’t yet, and despite the rage building inside me, I know I won’t.
I don’t let myself admit why. I’m not ready to accept those beliefs with my entire being yet.
But they’re there, and I can’t ignore them anymore.
Denise opens the back exit and waves at me from the patio.
“You staying late?” she asks.
It takes me a second, but I nod. “Best view of the sunset,” I explain, though it has little to do with the view and everything to do with the peace I get here. Being with decomposing corpses is a hell of a lot better than facing people you can disappoint. And there’s a comfort in knowing that Blaze and I sat here together once. That I shared myself, and he listened. That he was madforme. That even though I argued that life didn’t mean anything, he showed mewhyhe wanted to live every single time.
Maybe that’s when I started to question my death too, if I really wanted to die.
“Trina and I are heading to Sharky’s,” Denise says. “You want to come? It’s happy hour.”
I pause on that name: Trina. Right. The new hire who took Blaze’s place. Going to Sharky’s would fill my time. It would be something other than sitting on the edge of the cemetery with the symphony of the crashing waves and honking tourists to keep me company. I’m sure Trina is normal.
Hanging out with normal people isn’t what I want, though.
I shake my head. “I’m going to stay here for now. Thanks,” I say.
Denise’s eyes sparkle like she can read the deeper meaning behind my words. She winks. “Whatever floats your boat. Have a good night, Ren.”
A few minutes later, their cars drive off, disappearing onto Front Beach Road with the endless stream of tourists. The sun sets, and as I stare at it, my stomach pangs. I don’t have any coffee.
I pull a pack of cookies from my purse, the same small bag I took from Blaze’s house. The plastic crinkles as I rip it apart. I lift a jagged half-circle into the air, the chocolate splotches dotting the crust. I raise it higher, cheersing the pink and orange sky.
“Thanks for looking out,” I say, as if Blaze can hear me.
I chew methodically, tasting every crumb. Blaze is right; even though there’s chocolate, these particular cookies are bland. I swallow it down though, savoring the memories of that night together. The rush of asking Blaze to dinner. The fact that he told me to stay.
A dark figure stretches across the grass. I clutch the bag in my hand, afraid to see an empty space.
Eventually, I look.
Blaze, dressed from head to toe in black, takes me in with his pale blue eyes.
“I brought you options,” he says. Annoyance flares in his movements, jagged like broken glass. He lifts his hands, exposing the dangling items: a small bag of white powder, a rope, a knife, and a gun. “You want to overdose again? Hang yourself? Stab yourself? No—you want a gun. You always preferred that option, right? It’s the one with a guarantee.”
I furrow my brows, my chest cramped with tension. “Excuse me?”
“You know what I’m talking about,” he scoffs. “You’re capable. But you need to decide if it’s what youreallywant.” I huddle my shoulders, caving into myself. His jaw clenches. “You need to decide if dying is what you want with all your fucking mind. Not this numb shit you’ve convinced yourself of. Not what society wants you to do. Not your grandmother. Not your ex. Not me. Justyou,Ren.” His nostrils flare, and he tilts his head to the side. “So, what do you want?”
