Page 107 of Dead Love
But she was finally here.
“You’re here,” she said.
I swallowed hard, my throat dry. What were you supposed to do when you finally got to see the woman you loved? A woman that you thought you would never speak to again?
“Join me,” I said. I gestured to the patch of grass next to me. “The dogs are here somewhere. I’m sure they’ll say ‘hi.’”
She smiled, sending heat through me, then sat down next to me, wiggling her hips into the grass. I leaned back, resting my open palms on the blades. The earth was cool on my hands, wetting my pants; I’m sure her pants were stained too. The thought of this place,my place,marking her in such an innocent way, made me smile to myself. Another way I’d be with her, even after she inevitably left.
“What’s that look?” she asked, side-eyeing me.
I shrugged. “You couldn’t stay away,” I joked.
“It’s easier to get here than the flower field,” she said. “At least, on foot.”
“You walked here from your house?” She nodded. “You could have called me.”
She looked into my eyes. “I didn’t want to disturb you.”
How was I supposed to tell her it could be in the middle of the night, or the crack of dawn, even midday during a service, that years could have passed without exchanging a single word, and if she told me she needed me, I would be there for her? It didn’t matter what I wanted, or that I knew she deserved better. I was always hers.
It had taken me way too long to see that she had been doing that for me too.
The stars twinkled in the night, the breeze tickling our skin. I imagined kissing her neck, inching my way closer to her lips, but I stayed still. Kora had come here for a reason; it wasn’t up to me to take her like that again.
But damn it all, I wanted her.
The dogs came by, each nudging Kora while she greeted them with cuddles. She squeezed Sarah in a hug, right as Ulysses licked her face and Bernie sat in front of her legs. Pride filled my chest, making everything expand. I had never wanted anything for myself besides destruction, but at that moment, it was all for her.
Once the dogs realized Kora wasn’t going to play right then, they ran off, back up the pathway to the house. Kora ran her fingers through the grass.
“I’ve been thinking about it again,” she said, breaking the silence. “It’s not that I want to die. The opposite, really. But I wonder about it, you know? What’s it like? What does Nyla feel?”
Nyla was nothing more than ashes buried in the ground.
“I suppose it’s cold down there,” I said.
“Before that. When she was in the casket.” Kora stared into my face, her green eyes luminous. “Do you ever think about that? What they must feel like?”
It was something I had wondered about since my parents had died, the thoughts resurfacing once my brother was dead too. But that was the peace about death; there was nothing to feel anymore. It was simply existence.
I would never be able to show Kora what that meant without taking her life, and I knew, now, that I wouldneverkill her. Because living was more challenging than death. Because there was beauty in tragedy, in survival, in knowing what you had overcome. And I could make that experience happen for her, in my own way. I could show her what it was like to feel nothing but existence, to show her how to return to her true self. I could show her that even if she fell back into the shadows, I would be there, waiting for her.
“I could show you,” I said. Her eyelids fluttered, and I grabbed her hand. “But I need to know something. Do you trust me, Kora?”
Her gaze fell to the ground, and a fiery heat burned inside of me. There was no reason for me to expect her trust. But my shoulders strained, anticipating her answer. Needing it.
When she didn’t answer, I couldn’t help myself: “I would never hurt you, Kora. You know that, right?”
Her eyes blazed into mine, those emerald reflecting the moonlight.
“I know,” she said. “Not unless I wanted you to.”
A sweeping sensation rolled through me, and I swallowed it all, holding it down. There was so much that she had taught me already, and I wanted to learn more.
I gestured at the plot of grass next to us, beyond the hill. “What about there?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Hmm?”
