Page 77 of Crawl
Instead, I tell her about my past.
“When I was twelve, my foster father couldn’t stand that I didn’t talk. Please.” I slide the knife to the right. “Thank you.” The knife slides back to the left. “You’re welcome.” I stop the blade, then stare up at her. “What did I have to be grateful for? Being fed half of the time? Being put in another home where I’d get the shit kicked out of me too?”
The ocean waves crash like a pendulum, and in the distance, a black cloud hangs over the sea, threatening to storm. Soon, it’ll be so easy to swim. To go as far as I can. To drown. To take Remedy with me.
“All I had to do was say a word. But I refused to,” I continue. “And he beat me, promising that he would kill me unless I said something. Anything.” A deep chuckle erupts from my chest as I let that memory wash over me. I was so used to the pain by then that I didn’t feel a thing when he hit me. None of his words held any weight. I didn’t care about dying, but I wanted to see how far I could push him, even if that meant speaking for once. “You know what I finally said to him?”
She blinks her eyes, holding her hands to her stomach.
“I called him a coward.”
She sucks in a breath. I stow the sharpening stone, but keep the blade in my hand. As I step forward, she angles back on her car, trying to give us more distance. I hiss through my teeth, letting her know that I can read every micro-movement.
“Eventually, he stopped. But I couldn’t go to school for weeks, because then, they’d know. So you know what I did instead?” My fingers brush over the pistol, the metal smooth like Remedy’s skin. I want to crush her with my bare hands, but I keep stroking the pistol and adjusting my grip on the knife. “I stole his gun. And ten years later, I shot him with it.”
I put away my knife, then lean each palm down on either side of her, caging her against her car. The moonlight reflects on her glowing skin, giving her a dark-gold hue, and it reminds me of ancient stones, like she’s burying me alive.
“He wasn’t the only one,” I say, “but you know that.”
She bites her inner lip, then presses her empty palms on her thighs, trying to find the strength to face me. I want to rip her from her protective shell, to make her see exactly what she’s done to me.
I can kill her, and then she won’t have power over me anymore. She’ll be another victim. And I’ll move on. Like I always do.
But I can’t fucking do that to her.
“What about your parents?” she whispers. “The biological ones. Is Winstone your father?”
I laugh so hard, my chest hurts.
“You think we’re connected like that?” I ask.
“That’s why you killed him, isn’t it?” she stammers. “Because he left you in the foster care system as a child.”
She’s putting meaning where there is none. I grit my teeth. “I didn’t kill Winstone because I have a family revenge fantasy to fulfill. I didn’t kill him because I was avenging your best friend. I killed Winstone because I wanted you, Remedy.”
A small gasp escapes her lips. She flinches, trying to get away, but I have her cornered; there’s no way out. Even if she breaks through my arms, there are trees, bushes, and the ocean surrounding us. She can only run so far before I’ll find her.
Physically, I’m with her in that empty lot, but in my mind, I’m back in those broken homes where I was left in a trash can. Pushed around to each house where I had nothing. Life used to be simple; I knew what to expect. It’s always been me.
But now, there’s Remedy. She stole that life from me.
“Those fucking breeders, the ones that actually had me?” I sneer, then toss my head to the side. “They left me to die. So I killed them too.” I put a hand around her throat. “I don’t give a shit about anyone. Not even you.”
Fear shivers through her. She knows that this is it: the moment I’ll finally kill her. But then her lips spread into a smile, and shelaughs.She cackles like a hyena. The sound echoes through the lot, mixing with the waves. It’s her nerves, not true amusement, but it disturbs me. My insides twist and I clutch my grip on her throat, compressing her windpipe.
“What’s so damn funny?” I ask. Her mouth moves, the smile still there even as her face turns red. I let her go and she holds her chest, laughing again.
“You’re the coward, Cash,” she says, smirking. “You’re afraid of me because you know this is something. That I mean something to you. And that terrifies you.” She straightens her shoulders, standing on her two feet. “If you’re going to kill me, then stop being a coward and just fucking do it.”
My vision goes red as I clutch my knife, aiming at her face, but at the last second, I swing and hit her car instead. The blade slices through the metal. Leaving it stuck in the door, I grab her face with both hands, digging my nails into her skin, and fuck it all, I want to kiss her. I want to rip her tongue out and show her that I need her and I hate it, but I can’t. I force her to her knees, then whip out my dick and shove it in her mouth until she gags, the tears welling up in her eyes. I push myself down, down, down, until her throat encases me like a second skin and she can’t breathe. She tries to gasp, pushing me off, but I hold her down until I feel her nose flatten against my abdomen. I can kill her like this. Suffocate her on my dick while I stick two fingers into her tight little cunt until she constricts around me, reaching her sweet little death.
But I pull out. She coughs at the sudden air. I rip the knife from the car, adrenaline surging through me, the breath in my chest expanding like I’m a fucking god. I’m invincible, and not even Remedy can stop me. I put the knife to her throat, keeping her steady, to show her that I’m in control.
But Remedy isn’t afraid. Even as she tries to find her breath, she licks the knife up and down like she’s teasing a man’s cock. My dick twitches and that rage drifts away. She’s so hot I forget to breathe. Her tongue tickles the tip of the knife, a drop of blood budding on that wet muscle, and I can’t imagine another person in this world understanding me like this. I have no idea if she’s doing this to mess with me or if she’s just as depraved as I am. But I take a fistful of her hair and move her back to my cock. I keep the blade against her neck and she moans.
“We’re alike, Remedy,” I say. Her tongue laps around me and my dick pulses, swelling up.Damn it,I want to choke her with my girth, but I want to make this clear to her so that she never forgets it. “We’re alike in ways that will never let us go. We see the world for what it is. We know who we are. The only person who will accept every messed-up part of you isme.Because I understand you, Remedy. And I will make sure that you always do exactly what you want.”
I slide the knife across her cheek, letting a superficial cut break her skin, blood pooling in beads across the red seam. I hope it leaves a scar, just like she marked my back. I want her to see that scar in the mirror every day for the rest of her life and know that I’m there, written in her skin. I’ll never let her go. Even if I’m dead, I’ll always be there.
