Page 88 of Dangerous Deviance
“I’m just trying to help you,” I said. I held her arm. “I was you, once.”
“I’m fine,” she said, shivering out of my touch. “Leave me alone.”
And that was familiar too. I hadn’t wanted anyone’s help, nor did I trust anyone, but in the end, I had to open up. I watched her walk through the trees, her gait staggering as if she was constantly afraid of an enemy jumping out from behind the trees. I didn’t blame her.
The sky gave a little light, and most of the area was covered in shadows from the treetops. With each step, the ivy swallowed my feet, but I kept walking through the trees, taking a turn whenever I felt like it. As if I could walk through the woods and find my sister’s unmarked grave, even if she was miles away. When I came upon a tree turned on its side, I sat on it, pulling out the water bottle from my bag, grateful that Wil made sure I had a drink.
“Hey,” a squeaky voice said. I turned around quickly, finding Julie leaning against a tree. Her hair was golden in the light, as if the sun had found a way to shine on her, and her alone, her golden hair wispy and light on her shoulders. Her lips were pink and bare, just like the days we went to the Rubble River. And her body was completely whole.
“Julie,” I said, breathless. I flipped around on the log, about to reach for her. “You’re alive?”
She put up a hand to stop me from moving. I stilled to a halt.
“Nah,” she said, a smile still on her face. “Dead. Just like you buried me.”
“Then this?” I motioned at the space between us.
“A delusion.”
I looked at the ground. It was still covered in ivy. It all seemed real, but maybe it wasn’t.
“I’m going crazy, then,” I muttered.
“Come on,” she laughed. “If it were me, you’d say that this was a perfectly reasonable reaction. Probably something adult-like, nurturing and whatnot, about how a delusion was likely a way to process guilt and loss.”
Maybe it was the fact that out here, without Dr. Bates’s voice, without Wil, I had no one. I was truly alone. I could make a decision for myself for once.
But that didn’t mean that being alone felt right.
“I’m sorry,” I said, tears streaming from my eyes. My hands were clammy and wet. I rubbed them over my face, wiping it all away. “I shouldn’t have let you go.”
“Actually, sis. Let’s be real,” she said, crossing her arms playfully. “I needed to get the hell out of our place. You weren’t going to stop me.”
It was absolutely clear then that this was just me processing my emotions. But it didn’t matter. If it made it less painful, then who was I to judge my own delusional mind?
“You were going to go to the program one way or another?” I asked.
“Yep.” She shrugged. “You weren’t going to stop me.”
I furrowed my brow, trying to think carefully. What did it mean for us, if she had wanted to go, and hadn’t told me?
“Why did you go?” I asked.
“A hot guy told me about it. Why else would I go?” She winked.
I smiled then, even though it was hard. “You shouldn’t trust every hot guy you meet.”
“I know.”
“You shouldn’t trust anyone. Especially someone who wants you to sign up for beatings and torture.”
“Hah! Now that’s a good one,” Julie laughed. She rolled her eyes. “Come on, sis. You’re one to talk.”
Maybe she was right. Maybe Wilwasa hot guy who wanted to beat and torture me, but there was more to him. Even when he wanted to banish me, he still made sure I had water. Made sure I had enough clothes to survive, to figure it all out.
But I didn’t want to talk about that right now, not when I didn’t know how much time we had left.
“What will I do with you?” I said, similar to a phrase I had often said to her while we were growing up. It was hard to shift from being a teenager to a parent, but I had done it. And those phrases that I had heard our mom say repeatedly made it seem less difficult:What would I do without you?But the hardest part was realizing that I couldn’t say it like that anymore. It wasn’t a possibility. It was our situation. I didn’t have Julie.
