Page 71 of Dangerous Deviance
“All right,” I said. “Don’t make quick decisions. I can do that.”
“Wil says you’ve become friends with Maddie? And the other women?” she asked. I nodded. Billy and Jane weren’t exactly my friends, but I had been talking with Maddie fairly regularly, even after Wil restrained me. She was one of the only people that came to the penthouse. “That’s good. Keep talking to them. And Wil. Talk to as many people as you can. Share your experiences. Hear what other people have to say. Don’t force yourself to be alone. You need to branch out and understand the world for yourself.”
Those seemed like conflicting ideas. How could I think for myself, and yet listen to what others had to say? But I guessed the difference was that when I was alone, Dr. Bates’s ideas took hold of me, but when I was with other people, like when Wil wrapped his arms around me, I could think for myself.
So I could get behind that advice too.
“And?” I asked.
“And you need to think critically about your experiences,” Dr. Mercia said.
“Think critically?”
“Were you accepted into the Skyline Shift, or was it different than that?” I thought back, tracing our interactions. “What did they promise you?”
I saw a vision of my sister, running through a field of green grass, laughing as she jumped into a large water fountain. Even then, the haze of light made everything feel like a dream. I hurried to her, muttering to myself about how I shouldn’t have had to be her mother and father, how angry and hurt I was at our parents for leaving this world when they said they would always be there for us. I yelled at her to stop making a scene, that I was tired of chasing her. But then she splashed me and I was wet. There was no point in fighting it. I got in and splashed her right back, and we laughed and played until security escorted us out of the park.
I thought of my sister’s corpse, lying shadowed beneath the trees. Not her, but her body, lying there, her blank, yellow eyes looking up and seeing nothing.
“They promised me that I’d be able to see my sister again,” I said quietly.
“And did they fulfill that promise?”
In a way, they had. Dr. Bates had shown me her body. But I told myself that was a video. It couldn’t be real. Not with what I had endured, with everything we had been through. Tears welled up in my eyes, and Dr. Mercia handed me a tissue box. I wiped my nose then crumpled the tissue in my palm.
“Did you think your sister would be alive?”
I stared at her. “Sheisalive, Dr. Mercia.”
“She might be,” Dr. Mercia paused. “But they made you think that the Adlers killed her, right? In order to use you for their purposes.”
I clenched my fist, raising my narrowed eyes to meet hers.
“I am not your enemy,” she said, her voice stern. “You need to learn to accept these truths. These are the facts: we do not know who killed your sister.”
“She’s not dead.”
“But if she is—” Dr. Mercia stared at me, daring me to interrupt her again. “If sheisdead, then we don’t know who did it. But the Skyline Shift used that information to coerce you into doing their bidding. You were used.”
She put it in plain words, forcing me to consider my situation. Used. Coerced. It sounded clinical. Like it was easy to pull back the layers and see exactly what had happened to me, when experiencing it was so much harder than that.
“If she’s dead,” I whispered. She wasn’t, but I had to ask. “Who killed her?”
“We might never know,” Dr. Mercia said quietly, “But you need to accept why this happened the way it did so that you can move forward and think clearly about your past.”
I had begun to do some of those things she had mentioned already, and they had helped. But the tinnitus and the headaches screwed it all up and made me want to give in, to let Dr. Bates take over once again. It was easier that way.
“What do I do for the ringing?” I asked. “The headaches?”
“I can get you Vicodin for the headaches,” she said. Was that how she knew the Adlers, by supplying them with prescription drugs? “As for the tinnitus, an antidepressant might help, but it might not. Your best bet is to wait it out.”
Which was frustrating, but after all I had been through, I could try.
“One more thing, before I go,” she said. She nodded at the bedroom doors, where Wil and Derek’s voices were lowered. “Be careful with the Adlers.”
A shot of adrenaline ran through me. I thought she was on their side?
“What?” I asked.
