Page 58 of Ruined
Standing to meet him, I grabbed his hand.
***
When we arrived at the hotel, my gut clenched at the thought of what lay ahead of us. There was a tension in the air that spread thick, making every movement that we took feel weighty. The lobby was less crowded than before, showing the lateness of the night. At the Dahlia District, the club would be winding down by now, members and servers pairing off into the Terrariums. A quietness falling over the club.
At first, I had wondered why Lucas was meeting me at a hotel, rather than his house. But deep down, I knew why. It was a middle ground: not his home, nor mine, a way for us to keep our boundaries from the club intact. To remind us of our places. It was hard to take in, to know that he liked me enough to be with me in public, to bring me close, but not enough to let me inside.
I wanted him to open up to me on his terms, like I had opened up to him on mine.
In the elevator, he swiped his key card on the pad, then pressed the button labeledPH. The cart soared up. His magnetic presence consumed my every thought. There was something different about that moment. Ever since we had gotten out of the car, I had wanted him to touch me, to put his arms around me, to make me feel like I belonged to him. But he didn’t touch me at all, as if he was doing it on purpose. As if an idea had crossed his mind, filled up his thoughts, making him not want to cross those invisible walls. Not here. Not now. Not with me.
He glanced over at me. I smiled, but he looked forward, avoiding the expression. What was going on?
The doors opened into a small lobby with two double doors and another keypad. He swiped the card, and the doors unlocked.
He put a hand on my lower back. Warmth surged through me, making me ache in anticipation. He guided me inside. I walked forward, trying to stay calm. After a short hallway, we were in the kitchen, which then opened into a wide living room, with a slender fireplace already roaring. There was a door to a terrace that wrapped around the penthouse, and a set of three large windows, giving us a nighttime view of Sage City. Sage Observatory Tower twinkled above the buildings, glowing like a lighthouse.
It was beautiful. I loved going up high, reaching different heights; it was part of my draw to aerial dance. And yet being upthishigh and looking down at the city was something I had never experienced. It looked unreal from this distance. Like a toy set from a dream.
He poured two glasses of whiskey. “It’s not much,” he said, motioning at the view, “but it’s something.”
Not much? How could he say that? I blinked my eyes and turned back to the view. If we went to the right part of the terrace, would we be able to see Cresting Heights from up here? The academy? The Dahlia District?
“It’s beautiful,” I said. It was all I could say. What words could capture something like this?
I realized that this was my gift. This view. It made me speechless.
He walked past me and went to the door to the terrace, and held it open. I followed him out.
We sipped our whiskey in silence, staring down at the city slowly fizzling out, waiting for dawn. Our night out had been better than I had expected. Honestly, I thought we would have dinner and he would try to have sex with me afterward, which I think I was mostly okay with. But the strip club had changed me. I wasn’t sure how yet, but I knew that I had resentment over my mother. Resentment she didn’t deserve. Not this many years after her death. I needed to change the way I saw her. I needed to change the way I saw sex, work, and sexuality.
I needed to change the way I saw myself.
I was a grown woman who could take charge of my future and my actions. I might have been indebted to Dahlia, but I could control how I repaid that debt. As long as Nora was safe, I should be able to do what I wanted.
I turned around, leaning on the rail that held us back from the edge of the building. I wasn’t afraid of heights like this, drops that could lead to my death. I trusted myself to balance. So what was stopping me from giving myself to Lucas? Why should I be afraid of doing what I wanted?
His eyes were dark in the shadows of the night, smoldering as if that hint of green was a dying ember in oaken flames. His lips were thick and soft, and I licked my own, thinking of what it would feel like to have his mouth on me again.
“I want you to take me,” I said. I looked down, blushing. I must have sounded like an idiot, saying something like that. And I knew better. I shouldn’t have been stating my desires. I should have been asking. That was the kind of relationship we had. The obedience Lucas wanted. “Will you take me?”
He enveloped me in that stare, his eyes strong and unblinking. His lips pressed together, forming a hard line.
“Take you?” he asked.
He knew what I meant. But he wanted me to say it. To make me admit what I desired. What I had once refused to do.
But I didn’t care. I knew what I wanted. And what I wanted was to showhimthat I trusted him. That he could trust me too.
“Will you fuck me?” I asked. He didn’t move. “Please,” I whispered. “It’s all I want.”
He took my wrists in his hands. I trembled in his touch. He moved me closer. His breath was warm on my cheeks.
“I don’t fuck, Haley,” he said. “I break. I ruin. You will never be the same after I’m finished with you.” I held my breath, trying to match his hard stare, but I could feel my resolve slipping. I wished I was on my knees, licking his shoes. It was easier that way. “Do you want me to do that?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Then beg me to ruin you.”
