Page 93 of Savage Obsession
Is that a step we’re ready to take?
It’s so soon. And we haven’t even talked about kids. I think he wants them. He wanted the one he thought Nicola was having.After what she did to him, though, I’m not so sure he’d want a family of his own now.
Xander walks up behind me and wraps an arm around me, my back pressed to his front. “Do you like it?”
“I love it,” I whisper around the lump forming in my throat. “It’s too much, though. I don’t need fancy things. My apartment is fine.”
He kisses the back of my head. “Yeah, it’s working for now. You deserve better than that apartment, though. You deserve a home, baby. A home where you’re safe and where you can let go. I want to be the one who gives that to you.”
Would I feel safe here? Even if he keeps drinking?
My stomach turns, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sick if the room doesn’t stop spinning.
“Xander.” Tears prick the back of my eyes, and I try to brush them away quickly.
He immediately tenses and walks around me, studying me with pinched, concerned brows. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying? We can get a different house. Are you upset I picked it out without you?”
Each time I exhale, my breath becomes shallower and my chest tightens. I can’t stop trembling. I try to inhale, but it doesn’t work, either. Everything feels like it’s about to close in on me. Like I’m about to lose everything that ever meant anything to me.
“Baby, I think you’re having a panic attack. Have you had one before?”
I shake my head.
No.
Because nothing has ever broken me before.
But this will. Itis.
“Take a breath.” He gently cups my cheek, watching me closely. “That’s my girl. In and out.”
I follow the way he’s breathing and try to focus on how his hand feels warm and soothing against my skin.
“You’re okay, baby. You’re safe. Nice and slow.” He strokes his thumb down my cheek, over and over, his calming voice offering endless praise until I stop shaking.
The way he stares down at me with such a worried expression makes me feel like the worst person in the world. This man truly loves me.
But…
“Xander. I can’t,” I force out, painfully.
Xander’s gaze darts all over my face, but he doesn’t understand. “What, baby? Can’t what?”
Closing my eyes, tears continue to stream down my face. “I’m so in love with you. You are the most amazing man, and you treat me like I’m the center of your universe.”
He stares at me, frowning. “That’s because you are, baby. I didn’t think I could love someone again until you.”
A sob breaks free as his words sink in.
He loves me.
“I love you so much, Xander.” I cover my mouth and let out a sob, more tears rolling down my cheeks. “Over the years, after putting up with my mom’s addiction for so long, I had to learn to put myself first and love myself more than I loved her, so I wouldn’t go back. I had to come to the realization that I would never be safe around her. Whether it was my mom or her boyfriends or whoever was around, I was in danger in that house. After I ran away, even though Jason was a cheating asshole, it was the safest I’d ever felt. Then I met you.”
He gazes down at me with a blank expression, and I know he’s trying to follow what I’m saying, but I’m struggling to get it out. Because once I say it out loud, I can’t take it back.
“As much as I want you—and I doreallywant you—I can’t have a future with someone who abuses substances. I can’t livelike that again. Maybe it’s a me thing. I want a family one day, and I don’t want my kids to have to grow up with a parent who uses alcohol or drugs to mask their pain. I don’t want to have to worry about what mood you might be in after you’ve been drinking. Because I do see your moods shift, Xander.”
I cover my face and cry harder, the pain of this moment so immense, I don’t think I can survive it.
