Page 26 of Single-Minded
“I’ll make a checklist,” I say authoritatively. I make a list of the nine guys.
“Hold on,” I say. “The fish makes ten.”
“Sometimes the fish gives up his throne, or his terminal disease goes into remission,” says Sam earnestly. “That’s why the fish is worth it.”
“The checklist never works. Really, that is the worst possible way to find someone great,” says Darcy. She turns to Sam. “Who do you know on the list that we can fix Alex up with?”
Sam pulls out her iPhone and starts scrolling through her contacts.
“Oooh,” she says. “I’ve got the tantric sex guy. He takes classes at my studio. His name is Kai.”
“What, I’m supposed to just call up some stranger and ask him to have sex with me?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” says Darcy. “Sam will do that for you.”
“Kai’s great, you’ll love him,” says Sam. “But donotlet him talk you out of using a condom, and you should stay hydrated and be sure to do some good stretching exercises before and after.”
“Oh sure,” I say, matter-of-factly. “Stretching, hydration, that makes perfect sense.Are you out of your mind?”
“No.” Sam shakes her head. “Hydration is very important.”
“Set it up,” says Darcy.
“Wait,” I say, “how do you even know about the sex and the condoms? Did you sleep with him? Because I’m telling you both right now, I’m not going out with anyone either of you have dated, or slept with.”
“Kai is a client, and I never sleep with clients,” says Sam.
“Except that once,” Darcy and I chime in, in unison.
“Except that once,” says Sam. “But Kai has quite the reputation around the studio, he’s had sex with half the women there. Which is why I recommend the condom.”
“Gross. Don’t the women catch on? I mean, how does he keep finding new women to sleep with at the studio?” I ask.
“Word of mouth,” says Sam, laughing, as she does a Groucho Marx thing with her eyebrows.
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” says Darcy. “Besides, Sam’s entire freaking yoga studio can’t be wrong.”
Sam clutches her chest, “Not when it feels so right…,” she says, barely able to finish her sentence before she cracks herself up. Immediately, Darcy and I are laughing right along with her.
“My entire client list is made up of Master of the Universe types, many of whom I have slept with, so you’ll have to get over that shit.”
“I’m not sleeping with some man you’ve dated,” I say.
“First, I never date my clients. Too messy. Second, you don’t have to sleep with your nine, except your tantric sex guy. Some of them, you won’t even want to. You just have to go out with them. Besides, don’t hold yourself back on my account. If I’d thought one of these boys was the future Mr. Darcy, he’d be home decapitating rosebuds for my bubble bath, and hand-washing my unmentionables right this minute,” she laughs.
“So that’s two,” she says. “And you may not like what I’m about to say next, but I think it’s a brilliant idea anyway.”
“Don’t you thinkallyour ideas are brilliant?” cracks Sam.
“Why, yes, yes, they are,” says Darcy. “I think we need to enlist Michael’s help in this little endeavor. We’re in the market for a quarterback, and he just happens to work at ESPN.”
“Oh no,” I say, my skin flushing with humiliation. “I can’t ask him to do that.”
“No worries,” says Darcy. “I’ll ask him.”
“No, no, no,” I insist. “Why do we need Michael’s help?”
“Where in the world are you going to get access to a quarterback in your current life?” she asks. “Are you going to start trolling the college stadiums after practice?”
