Page 24 of Single-Minded
“What are you laughing at?” I ask him. “This is your fault. Besides, you’re in the same boat.”
And then it hits me. No, he isn’t.
“Well, it’s looking good for tonight.” He grins.
“Hot Cuban guy?” asks Darcy.
“That’s not our business,” I say quickly. I’m standing too close to the kitchen knives to endure this conversation.
“He told me to call him after we were all done here. I just didn’t want to leave Alex with all the cleanup.” Michael would not stop smiling. My heart is flopping around somewhere in my lower intestines.
“You made a date at our divorce party?” I ask incredulously. Un-fucking-believable.
“Chill out,” says Darcy. “You’re divorced. This is what happens when you get divorced. You start having sex with other people.”
“It’s not just sex,” says Michael defensively.
“Right,” says Sam. “Sometimes you have coffee.”
“Or pancakes.”
“This brings up a really important point,” says Darcy. “There’s no way for you to go out into the world and date as a normal human woman if you haven’t had sex with at least one straight guy. You’re a psychologist and you’ve managed to miss out on a pretty major part of the human experience.”
“Thanks,” says Michael.
“Don’t take it personally,” says Darcy dryly. “Between the two of you, you have no idea whether or not she even knows what she’s doing in bed.”
See, I knew that was what everyone was thinking. Leave it to Darcy to confirm it.
“What happens if she meets a nice guy she likes and they end up breaking up because the sex is so terrible? Or if she freaks out because she’s so far out of her comfort zone—because we all know that Alex is not exactly enthusiastic with trying anything before she’s positive she’ll be great at it.” Darcy sighs and puts down her drink. “Obviously, we have to find someone to have sex with her.”
“Hello,” I say. “I’m right here. In the room. Listening to this.”
“She’s got a lot of catching up to do,” adds Sam.
“I think I can manage that on my own,” I say. “When I’m ready.” Like, never.
“Ready, schmeady,” Darcy says. “If you wait it will just be weirder. You need to get out there right away and just do it before you start thinking about it too much.”
“That’s what I did,” offers Michael. I glare at him and silently will him to shut up. The last person in the world I want sex advice from is Michael.
Jesus, she’s probably right. I can’t even imagine having sex with someone besides Michael. Except maybe Henry Cavill, but he probably isn’t available. I should google him tomorrow and find out. I wonder if there’s some Make-a-Wish Foundation for the former wives of gay sportscasters that arranges clandestine hookups—matching handsome, straight, and kindhearted movie stars to sleep with duped ex-wives. Someone should start that organization.
“It’s official,” announces Darcy. “You need sex and pronto.”
“Really, I’m fine,” I say. I just need to exorcise my gay ex. And get the degenerates out of my kitchen.
Darcy continues on brainstorming about my sex life with Michael and Sam as though I’m not in the room. But I am, I am in the room, and this is probably the most awkward, humiliating discussion I’ve ever heard. Or maybe not. I’ve had a busy couple of months. The glasses littering the countertops and sink full of dishes from the party are starting to weigh on me. I won’t be able to sleep until I’ve cleaned up all this party mess. I pick up a stack of plates and head toward the sink.
“The magic number is three,” says Darcy. “All men, regardless of their level of education, are hardwired to believe that three times is the exact number of times their future wives should have had sex prior to meeting them.”
“I shouldn’t have to go out and have sex just so some guy can feel better about himself,” I say.
“True,” says Darcy, “but trust me, you’ll feel a lot better aboutyourself.”
“Three?” says Michael incredulously. “That can’t be true.”
“First of all, you’re gay. So your opinions on the inner workings of straight men aren’t exactly on point. Second, no thirty-five-year-old man wants to deflower a virgin unless he’s a pervert. Third, it doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex with two men, or forty-seven, which is a bit closer to my number—the number they’re looking for is three. Which means we need to get you laid at least twice before you start dating.”
