Page 45 of Love on the Brain
“But what if what makes me happy is someone—something—that’s too much to ask for?”
“Jane.” Ryan dropped his forehead to touch hers, tucking his chin in so that his lips weren’t within kissing distance. He didn’t know if he could trust himself right now, and this would be bad timing. “There’s nothing that’s too much to ask for, not from God. Why do you think what you want is too much? If God put an idea in your head, there’s got to be a path to it.” Ryan hoped she was referring to him. In that moment, if she asked him to pack up and follow her back to Maine, he’d do it.
She broke eye contact and leaned back into his embrace. “Maybe. But the timing doesn’t seem right.”
“So then you wait for a clear sign that it is, and in the meantime, be sure to keep your eyes and ears open. Look for signs and words that aren’t obvious.” He would continue to show her how much he cared about her and Noah, and maybe, when she was ready to move forward, she’d choose him.
CHAPTER13
Jane’s heart was beating a mile a minute. She was sure Ryan could feel her pulse, and that was adding to her anxiety. She eased herself away from him just enough so that their sides were no longer touching. His comforting arm across her back could stay.
It made her feel safe and cherished. She loved that feeling.
And so began another round of guilty-sad-guilty in her head.
“How about dessert?” she suggested. “I haven’t had sopapillas in forever.”
“Perfect. Side pot of honey and cinnamon?” Ryan held up his hand to signal their server.
“Is there any other way?” She raised her eyebrows.
He laughed. “Wouldn’t be the first time your sweet tooth earned me extra time at the gym to burn off all the extra sugar.”
Feeling brave, Jane poked him lightly in his hard-as-rock abs. “Yeah, cause you’ve gotten all fluffy, Engstrom.”
He caught her hand in midair and lightly ran his thumb over her knuckles. “I am. On the inside.”
“That’s definitely true.” She locked her eyes on his. “I’m glad you’re the same Ryan you’ve always been. Life can change people. It’s changed me and not for the better, I’m afraid. But you seem the same, like you’re still beating down the enemy if it dares set foot in your path. Still in control.”
He opened his mouth to reply, but the server arrived. Jane ordered the Mexican beignet-style doughnuts and turned back to him.
Ryan settled their hands on his thigh and continued to rub circles on hers. “You’ve changed, grown. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve become a mother and lost a husband. You’re stronger. You know what to spend time on and what to filter out. You’ve got your priorities straight. And I’m not the same, either. I’ve definitely changed. You don’t go through a decade-long relationship that ends suddenly in scandal and come out scar-free. But I can’t hold a grudge, because that’ll just eat me up. I can’t linger in the past, because then I can’t move on.” He turned his head back to her and smiled. “And Iwantto move on.”
Jane nodded. “I understand that. It’s like grief, in a way. It’s a loss no matter how you look at it. But there’s hope looking to the future. I … I’ve been stuck in the past.”
She sucked in a breath.I’ve been stuck in the past.She knew this, of course, but the realization that she was her own blocker hit her like a brick.
If she was going to move forward, shehad to decide to. Not wait for permission or the suggestions of others.
Her. Jane.
Onlyshecould decide what to do next, when to do it, and who to do it with. Or to do it alone.
She’d been fine going it alone. But suddenly,finewasn’t enough anymore. Ryan had been right.
She wasn’t fine—not at all.
“Jane? Are you okay? You look like you might pass out.”
“No, no. I’m okay.” She smiled up at him. “I had a realization, is all. What you said resonated.” She squeezed the hand holding hers. “I want to move on, too. Forward. I just don’t know how or what speed to go at it.”
Ryan’s eyes widened in surprise, and he lifted their hands up, placing them over his heart. “You do whatever feels right,” he said, his voice dropping an octave. “And adjust as necessary, as often as necessary.”
It was everything she needed to hear. “Thisfeels right,” she whispered, her throat thick with the sudden appearance of a lump. “You and me. Us.” Tears stung the back of her eyes, but she wasn’t sad.
She was happy.
She was happy!
