Page 15 of Love on the Brain
Ryan’s gaze fell on the picture of him and his best friend taped to the inside of his locker, both blond and sunburned, wearing huge smiles and matching orange jerseys from their first day playing “real” baseball. Casey’s dad built a batting cage in their backyard, and they’d moved up with hitting skills more advanced than their peers. T-ball had been fun, but Casey had always wanted to pitch. Ryan, left-handed and always the tallest kid on any team, could catch anything at first base. Together, with their fearless friend Garrett Cruz playing shortstop—that kid would do anything to stop the ball and lost several teeth in the process—they’d made the playoffs every year and brought their high school three state championships.
A burst of anger flared in Ryan’s veins. JC shouldn’t be teaching Noah how to play ball. Casey should. He should be here for his boy to do all the things dads did.
Choking back a sob, Ryan tied on his scrub cap and concentrated on his breathing. Noah was getting prepped, and it was time to brief Jane, Connie, and Dale. He slammed his locker shut.
A few minutes later, he entered Noah’s room and was surprised to see his parents standing beside Connie and Dale at the window. Jane got up from her seat next to the bed.
“Uncle Ryan, are you going to fix my head?” Noah asked. Ryan slid in next to Jane and reached for Noah’s hand. The boy tucked it into Ryan’s strong, giant grip. “Mommy says that’s your job—fixin’ heads.”
“She’s right,” he confirmed. Amused, he stole a glance at Jane and was surprised to see her cheeks redden. “Today, I’m just going to take a look and see what’s in there and where the bad stuff is. I’ll take a pinch of it so we can study the tissue and learn more about it. Then we’ll make a plan to get rid of it, okay?”
“Okay.” Noah’s response came in a firm and steady tone. “I’m ready when you are.”
Ryan brushed the boy’s bangs to the side. “Let’s do it, then. We’ll leave the old people here and then your mom and I will take you to where the magic happens.”
“There’s magic?” Noah asked, wide-eyed.
“More like miracles.” He nodded at his father. “Dad, will you pray over Noah?”
Carter Engstrom nodded. “Let’s all join hands. Father God, we ask you to be with Noah and his surgical team today. May hearts be brave, hands be steady, and your presence be felt. We ask this through Christ, our Lord and Savior. Amen.”
“Amen.”
The transportation attendant arrived, and Noah waved goodbye. Jane walked beside the bed, clutching the rail, her knuckles white. Ryan walked behind the bed so that he was last to enter the preoperative area.
Jane didn’t speak the whole way to the surgical floor. When the attendant left them in the small curtained area, she dropped the rail and pulled Noah into her arms.
“Yooskweezintootiiiite!” Noah yelped.
“What?” Jane asked.
“You were squeezing too tight. I’m okay now.” he said. “What happens next, Uncle Ryan?”
Ryan glanced at Jane, wishing he had something to say that would ease her anxiety. “Well, a nurse is going to come in and give you a shot. We call it the ‘amnesia shot.’ I think you had one before?”
“Yup. And I didn’t remember anything!”
Ryan smiled. “Exactly. You won’t remember any pain. Then, we’ll set up the machines around you. You’ll fall asleep, and the monitors will tell us how your heart is beating, how well you’re breathing, and other stuff like that. Then, when you’re super relaxed and dreaming, I’ll go inside your head and look at the bad stuff with a teeny tiny camera. I’ll find a good spot and scoop some of it out. When I’m done, you’ll come back here to wake up, and we’ll keep you attached to the machines until you’re all better.”
“How long will that be? Will I have a bunch of wires stuck to me like on TV?”
Ryan nodded. “You will. They’ll feel a little weird at first, but it’s very important to keep them attached, okay?”
Noah furrowed his brow. “Okay. I can do that. ’Cause I’m five.”
Ryan laughed. “Yes, you are.” He looked at Jane. “Do you have any questions for me?”
“No,” she said softly, shaking her head.
“Okay.” His eyes flicked to the curtain, pushed aside by Noah’s attending nurse. “I’ll see you both in a bit then.” He gave Noah a high five and exited the room, pulling the curtain shut behind him.
“Ryan?” He turned to find Jane pulling on her ponytail, something he hadn’t seen her do since college. “What if—Dr. Huntley couldn’t—he was afraid of—I—I—”
“Hey,” He pulled her into his arms and cradled her head to his chest. “I’ve got this. You are the only person who’s never let me down, Jane. I promise I won’t letyoudown.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she pleaded. “Casey said he’d never leave me. How can you be certain you won’t lose Noah on the table?”
Ryan slid his arms up to cup her shoulders and bent so that they were eye to eye. “I am not going to lose him on the table. If for one second I have any doubt about anything, we’ll stop and find another way. We have a whole other technique and equipment Huntley didn’t have, and I have a vascular surgeon on my team.” He took her hand and laid it over her heart. “Casey hasn’t left you, Jane. He lives in here.” He pulled her hand toward him and pressed it over his own heart. “And in here. And in Noah’s heart and in the hearts and minds of all who loved him. He’s with us, Jane. And with him, as Noah’s guardian angel, I can’t fail. Iwon’tfail.”
