Page 59 of Love on the Brain
“I thought you said he was okay?” she whispered as he reached her.
“He is, but I’m not. Come outside with me?”
Jane studied his expression. He was visibly shaken about something. “What’s the problem?”
“I’m the problem.” He nodded to the door and placed his hand on the small of her back. “I need to tell you something.”
Her heart thrummed in her chest as he guided her into the hall and to a sitting area by a set of windows. The sun shone brightly outside, bathing the hall in warm light.
Ryan sat on the sofa and ran his hands down his face. Jane sat next to him and waited.
“I can’t operate on Noah.”
Jane was sure she’d misheard. The simple five-word sentence couldn’t be real. But when she met his gaze, the pain in his eyes and the water ribboning down his cheeks confirmed she’d heard him correctly.
Her hand flew to her mouth to swallow back the bile that had risen to the back of her throat. She couldn’t lose her cool this time. Channeling the pain of his words to anger, she gulped out her response.
“I don’t understand. We came here. To Texas. For you. I—trusted you. You said—”You said no one surgeon cared more about healing Noah than you did.But she couldn’t say his words out loud.
“I know. And I stand by those words. But my love for him is the problem.” He reached for her, but she jumped up from the couch, shaking her head. “Jane, after the biopsy, I was shaking so much I couldn’t close him up. I couldn’t even administer the seizure shot at the house, remember? I can’t risk that happening during the procedure that will take hours. I thought I could push my feelings aside, but I’m even more invested now than I was then. I’m so sorry.”
Jane couldn’t look at him. She turned toward the window, hugging her arms to her chest, eyes closed, blocking out everything around her, choking back her lunch and fighting against her heaving reflexes. She had to get herself together, for Noah. He couldn’t see her like this. It would scare him.
She leaned her forehead against the cold glass and spoke to Ryan. “Go back to Noah while I have a minute. Please.”
The sofa cushion creaked, and she counted to thirty in her head before she returned to her seat to let the tears fall.
Once she was cried out, she cleaned up in the ladies’ room and texted her dad with the update and numerous prayer requests to cover all the changes and ask for peace in their hearts.
Jane had to face the fact that no matter how thoroughly she prepared, life was not in her control. And the only entity that could truly protect her baby was God.
And she’d be on her knees all night once Noah went to bed, praising and begging for Him to save her boy.
* * *
After the pre-op appointment,Ryan gave Jane all the space she needed and spent Saturday at the hospital with Dr. Moreira. He returned home after she and Noah went to bed to find a dish of Texas casserole still warm in the oven. He prayed it was an olive branch and a sign that she could forgive him in time.
He knew he’d let her down, but he had no doubt he’d made the right choice. He had to give up his control for Noah to have the best chance. He put his full faith in his team, and he prayed, in time, that Jane would renew her trust in him.
On Sunday, he met with the team after church and listened with growing confidence as Dr. Moreira took over, outlining the plan, each provider’s role, and the duties of the support staff.
Tonight, Connie and Dale were hosting a Sunday night barbecue. Since their flight had been delayed, Jane’s father had insisted they take a rideshare from the airport so as to not delay dinner for everyone else.
Pastor Porter, Shelby, and Damon arrived just after seven. By seven thirty, everyone had a plate of food or dessert, and Ryan lost himself in his thoughts. The scene before him was a glimpse of everything he wanted. His parents, brother, and Jane’s family, sitting around a table, doing normal family stuff.
It was low-key and easy, unlike how it had been with the Sheridans. Sunny’s father always had an agenda or a cause to preach about, and Sunny’s sisters were always trying to outbid each other for attention. In contrast, Grant Porter engaged in whichever topic was brought up, and Shelby and Damon bantered back and forth, adding comic relief and igniting laughter. Noah ran back and forth from the group to the tire swing Dale had hung the previous week, and Ryan was content to sit there and absorb the idyllic peace. He wanted more times like this, with both their families.
“Uncle Ryan?” He turned to Noah, who held up Jane’s phone. “Can I show you something?”
“Of course.” He looked for Jane, but her seat was empty. “Does your mom know you have her phone?”
“Yup.” Noah climbed into his lap and swiped the screen. “I found this. Daddy talks about you.”
Ryan leaned forward as Noah pressed the play arrow. “Hey, buddy. This is a very important message. In life, you’re going to meet a lot of people. Some people you can trust and some people you can’t. I want you to listen carefully, and when you need help or feel sad or hurt or lonely, remember this list of people that love you and can help you. Okay?”
“Okay,” Noah replied to the video. Ryan smiled.
“Your mom is number one on the list. Never forget that. Moms love their kids with a fierceness that never stops. You can trust Mimi and Poppy and Grandpa Grant. Auntie Shelby and Molly. And my best friend, Ryan. He lives far away, but if you ever need a big strong guy to help you with something, you call this number, okay?” Ryan’s breath caught as Casey recited his cell phone number. “Ryan’s mommy and daddy and his brother Wes have been like family to me my whole life. They’re your family, too, okay?”
