Page 47 of Love on the Brain
“Um…” She glanced at the closed door and clasped her hands in front of her. “I want to apologize for what I said last week and how I said it. I felt bad ever since and I’ve been praying about how to get it off my chest.” Ryan glanced down at her hands. She was nervous. This was unusual. Sunny never apologized. For anything.
She threaded her fingers together and cracked her knuckles. “Last night, I—I have news. And, well, I came here to just dump everything and ask for your forgiveness.”
Ryan’s stare hardened. “There’s nothing to forgive. We’re good,” he reminded her. He gave grace and tried not to hold grudges. It was how he was raised. She’d taken advantage of that, but that was on her, not him. His conscience was clear.
“You may be, but I’m not. Not yet.” She blew out a big breath and rolled her shoulders. “You may want to sit down for this.”
“I’m good.” He leaned against the closed door. “Just say what’s on your mind.”
“Okay. So.” She lifted her left hand. An enormous diamond sparkled in the center of a ring of smaller yellow stones. “Vaughn asked me to marry him last night.”
“Congratulations.” Ryan was genuinely happy for her, despite Vaughn being the catalyst for their breakup. Everyone deserved a second chance.
“I need to come clean. I never cheated on you, Ryan. I didn’t defend myself or deny anyone’s accusations because I didn’t have any fight left in me. For years, I’d been giving you reasons to break up with me. And you never did. That summer after Casey’s wedding, seeing him so starry-eyed and willing to give up everything—a pro ball career, leaving his home—things I wasn’t willing to do for you—I broke up with you to try to figure out why we weren’t working. I came to the conclusion that it was because we hadn’t been intimate together, that once we were, everything might change because we would be connected on a deeper level. I let you think I was seeing someone else to see if you’d fight for me. You didn’t. Even when my sister suggested I may have been intimate with the guy who, by the way, didn’t even exist. That was a purposeful deception, and I feel awful about it. When you took me back, nothing changed. I went to law school and at some point I decided it was now or never and jumped in. So we got married and—nothing between us really changed, except now we were scheduling “date” nights and had the same last name. The passion I wanted never showed up.”
Ryan hung his head as he processed what she was saying. She wasn’t wrong. He always wondered why he never felt jealous when she’d work a room or flirted at a party. He’d been confident in her fidelity, even then. She’d always come back to him. Because they’d been meant for each other. More like—they’d been groomed for each other. The community had set them up with expectations their hearts had fought against, and they’d been too compliant to challenge any of it.
“So … after the World Series, when I went to Cancun with Vaughn, itwasfor work—to get the media off his back for the allegations of cheating in the organizations—of which he was falsely accused—notto have an affair.”
“Sunny, there was a picture of you and him kissing on the beach that went viral.”
“I know, and that was unfortunate. He confronted me because he felt the spark between us—a spark that I continuously and adamantly denied—and he challenged my words. I was telling him that I was happily married and that he and I were just good friends that finished each other’s sentences like you and Jane did—that was normal, right? I told him he was crazy to think I wasn’t happy with you when he just—leaned in and went for it. I pulled back right away, but it was too late. Cameras are fast. But he made his point. It wasn’t a spark between us. It wasfireworks.And a lingering sizzle. I’d never felt that before. You and I never had fireworks, Ryan.”
Her statement stung, but it was true. He knew the difference now, after he’d kissed Jane. “No, we never did.” It was hard to admit, to say out loud, especially after all the years they spent together as a couple. “I always thought when we got married, became intimate, that fireworks would just happen. But they didn’t. I tried, Sunny. I tried so hard to make us work. In every way.”
“I know you did. Even when I kept putting off the wedding, for grad school, for med school, for law school, you were supportive. But I knew a long time ago something was missing, despite us being perfect for each other on paper. I’d always had doubts, but I’d tell myself who didn’t when choosing a life partner? And there was no convincing you otherwise. You were determined not to fail me, not to failus.And together, we were determined not to fail the expectations of our families and our church communities. I never wanted to hurt you, Ryan. And we would have continued to be cordial in public and apathetic at home if Vaughn hadn’t done what he did. It took him kissing me to realize the one thing we didn’t have was what I needed the most.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on that. I see now I did us both a disservice then, trying to keep us together.” Ryan sighed. He could see it all clearly, especially now that he’d experienced fireworks with Jane.
“It’s not just on you. I was a willing participant in the charade. I didn’t dispute the media or the rumors of an affair because I was still hoping and praying that you’d be mad enough to finally fight for me. At some level, I still wanted us to work. I wanted to be the perfect wife in our perfect life, the power couple we’d been raised to be, connecting our church communities and traveling all over Texas giving happy marriage workshops. It was hard to come to the realization that that wasn’t God’s plan. That He could orchestrate an affair of the heart that would hurt us both.”
Ryan bristled. “You’re blaming God for your feelings for Vaughn?”
Sunny sucked in a breath. “No. I’m blamingusfor pushing against His plan for us to live separate lives. We never should have been a couple in the first place. I do believe in God’s timing, and I think we had a lot to learn together, though I regret how we learned it and all the pain we went through. I hate that I hurt you. I love you for loving me all those years, for all the effort you put in while I didn’t prioritize us, for caring for me so much that you kept on keeping on. I was constantly living in guilt, and it was choking me. When I got back from Cancun, you stood by my side publicly despite the shunning. There was no other choice for me at that point than to ask for a divorce. The fireworks empowered me to finally take charge of my life before we got deeper in and had children.” She closed her eyes. “I had to let go of the beautiful little green-eyed blond babies I’d been praying for since forever, the boys that would grow up to be ball-playing doctors like their daddy and the girls who’d be my mini me’s. It’d all been a fantasy.”
“Sunny, I—”
“There’s something else.” Her lower lip trembled as she opened her eyes and locked them on his. “This is hard, but I need to say it. Please, listen. I believe that you and Jane are some kind of soulmates.” She held up a finger so he wouldn’t interrupt. “At our wedding, you were doting and attentive to me, just as anyone would expect a groom to be toward his bride. But when you danced with her”—Sunny’s voice hitched—“all the happiness that should have landed on me went to her. Your face, your posture, your humor—anyone who didn’t see it had to be blind. I think even Casey knew, to a degree, even if you didn’t. And if I had known he was that sick—” She closed her eyes, and a tear leaked out the corner. “If I’d known he’d regressed, I never would have pushed you to take that apprenticeship at the children’s hospital. I feel awful for keeping you from him in his last months. And then the funeral … how your arm was around my waist but Jane was tucked into your chest … that was my breaking point. I know the two of you grieved more than anyone else—except maybe his parents—but I realized then that I’d never have your heart. And if I couldn’t have it, I didn’t want to give you mine anymore. So I said yes to all the travel. I couldn’t be around you.”
Ryan stared at her, dumbfounded. It all made sense.
Apologizing didn’t seem like enough. “I don’t know what to say, Sunny. Other than I’m so sorry to waste all those years, trying to make us work.”
She wiped her tears. “Like I said, it was God’s timing, Ryan. I don’t see those years as wasted. We grew up, learned a lot of things, and we did have a lot of fun.” She smiled. “And now, it’s time to move on. Jane is free, and you’d be a fool if you don’t pursue her. You already love her. And she adores you. Noah loves you, and you would be an amazing father to him. Don’t let them get away, Ryan.” She closed the distance between them and placed her hands on his shoulders. “I want you to be happy like I am, okay?”
He patted her back, still slightly in shock. “Okay.”
Sunny kissed his cheek and pulled open the door to reveal Jane, fist raised and poised to knock.
CHAPTER14
Jane’s gaze darted from Sunny to Ryan standing behind her. She swallowed. “Sorry to interrupt. I’ll … come back later.”
“No need,” Sunny said, smiling. “I was just leaving. And I won’t be back.” She turned to peck Ryan on the cheek. “Goodbye, Ryan.”
He nodded. “Bye, Sunny.”
Jane stepped to the side to let her pass. Sonoma Sheridan wasn’t coming back?
