Page 70 of Dustwalker
Ronin had endured for at least one hundred and eighty-five years;Lara could be gone in an instant. That ephemerality lent her unique beauty.
Was that the purpose of life? Was it simply a transient state between creation and destruction, birth and death, existence and nonexistence? A thing made more precious by its frailty, made more miraculous because it survived overwhelming odds, a thing that defied the universe by simplybeing?
“My thoughts follow strange paths when I’m with you, Lara.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, voice raw, as she wiped tears from her eyes. “Like what?”
He pressed his palm more firmly to her back just to feel the way her skin yielded to him. When he lifted his hand, her flesh would revert to its prior state.
Would her inner fire rekindle, given enough time to grieve, or would she never be the same again?
Tears trickled off her face and landed on his arm as she lifted her head to look into his optics. The blue of her eyes was so vibrant. Though he had no data to support it, he knew the sky must’ve been that same shade of blue, long ago. But there was more depth in her gaze than in all the sky on the clearest day.
Ronin trailed a finger down her cheek, marveling at the freckles upon it. “Like what it means to be alive.”
Lara’s eyes flared, and she laid her head back down, hiding her face from him. She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. “What do you think it means?”
“I’m not sure, yet. But every moment I spend with you brings me a little closer to an answer.”
Though Lara’s breathing remained uneven and her tears continued running onto Ronin’s skin, she fell quiet.
“I used to think living was just about surviving,” she said softly after four minutes had passed. “That’s all life was. Go out into the ruins, find anything that held value, and trade it for food so I’d have enough energy to do it all over the next day.”
Lara shook her head, stray strands of hair falling over her face. “But that’s wrong. It’s not about surviving. We all do that, people and bots, but that’s notliving. Living is… It’s about what you experience in that time, you know? About the joy you find, the good memories you make, no matter what shit you go through, no matter how hard it gets.”
She sniffled and rubbed her palms over her eyes. “We had that. It wasn’t much, but me and Tabitha had it. And now…now it’s gone.”
Her body shook with silent sobs. Ronin held her, saying nothing as she cried.Everything will be all rightrose to the top of his list of responses. He dismissed it. He couldn’t say it with any certainty, and she deserved better than an empty platitude.
“It’s not gone.” Gently, he tapped her temple. “All you shared with her will always be right here, and it will always be yours.”
She clung to him as she cried, and he pressed his cheek to her hair, rubbing his hand along her back. Eventually, she calmed.
Raising her head, Lara met his optics. Though the flesh around her eyes was puffy and red, there were no more tears filling them. A faint smile blossomed on her kiss-swollen lips only to wilt a moment later. “I…didn’t know it would be like that.”
“Didn’t know what would be like that?” He would not presume her meaning. There were too many variables, too many possibilities, too many chances for miscommunication.
“Sex.” A little line appeared between her eyebrows as she glanced away. “I expected pain, and I thought, with you, I could deal with it. That I owed it to you to take it, because I was using you to…forget.”
Did she really think he’d ever demand such a price from her?
“You don’t owe me anything, Lara. You did…enjoy our coupling, didn’t you?”
Her cheeks darkened. “Yes.”
Ronin took unexpected satisfaction in her response. Since they’d met, he’d only seen fleeting glimpses of joy from Lara, there and gone within fractions of a second. Knowing that he’d given her pleasure despite the circumstances pleased him.
“Why did you think there’d be pain?” he asked.
“Because…that’s all it was before.” She averted her gaze again, her blush fading rapidly.
He brushed stray locks of hair behind her delicate ear and caught her chin, guiding her face toward his. “Tell me, Lara.”
She pressed her lips together and swallowed. Before she spoke, her tongue slipped out to wet her lips. “We never talked about it, but Tabitha…she gave it all.”
Her gaze settled on his chest, but her eyes were glossy and unfocused. “She let men and bots use her, fucked them however they wanted it. They paid her in credits. And no matter how little I managedto scrape together to contribute, she always made sure I had food to eat. She was never selfish. She...loved me.
“It ate at me most days, knowing what she was doing to keep us fed. She’d sacrificed so much. Nothing I did ever felt like enough. She deserved more from me, so much more. Especially with all she did so we could survive. So I…I went back to Kitty’s, determined to prove I wasn’t useless. To show I could pull my weight and provide for her.”
