Page 83 of Red Zone Realizations
We eat dinner side by side, our thighs touching. I think we just need the physical comfort of the other being there while we quietly eat our meatloaf and think to ourselves. The TV plays a restaurant renovation show in the background, but I know neither of us are watching.
I’m not sure what’s going through Noah’s mind, but I can’t help but think about how my parents will react to my leaving. Will they pretend to be torn up? Would it actually be true? They’re losing their most helpful child. The emotional support of the whole family. That doesn’t mean they’ll miss me as a person. Just what I can do for them. That thought stings a little, but I’m done ignoring reality.
My to-do list for today is a mile long. There’s some easy stuff on there like my usual five-fifteen yoga class, but there are some huge tasks as well. Like telling Mom, Dad, Sarah, Mikey, and Lane that I’m leaving. Not just leaving, but moving to be with Noah. That’s more than getting a new job and moving cross country for it. This is committing to a relationship on top of that. Saying “Yeah, we’ve only known each other less than a year, but my feelings are strong enough that I’m going to a different state to be with him.” That’s crazy to think, even for me, and I’m the one doing it.
I decide the best way to break it to them is to stop by theshop during lunch. Noah wanted to come, but I told him this is something I had to do myself, and he understood.
I park my car around back and walk through the employee entrance. The shop itself is bright, lit up with fluorescent lights. The walls are beige, and the floor is white-ish. It smells like oil and rust with an undercurrent of the cleaner Mom uses on the floor. I know she’s at the White Pine location on Thursdays, and I know she takes lunch at exactly twelve-thirty every day. I glance at the clock outside her office. Perfect timing.
I knock twice on the slightly ajar office door. “Mom?”
“Come in, Audrey!” She puts down the pen she was holding. “What a surprise! I didn’t know you were stopping by today.”
I pull the chair out across from her and sit. The leather is worn and soft under my legs. “I was on my way back from the post office and thought I would stop by.” I cross my legs and then uncross them. I can’t seem to get comfortable. “I have some news,” I finally manage. Mom raises her eyebrows at me and waits for me to keep going. I continue, “Noah might be playing for Chicago and if he is, I’m going with him.”
“This seems like a huge decision.”
“It’s not one I took lightly.”
She nods slowly, processing. Her eyes meet mine, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m seeing her anew. “You’re happy?”
“I am.” I’m in love.
“You haven’t been.” She rearranges the pens on the desk in front of her. “Since you and Hunter broke up, you’ve been different.”
“That’s what happens when you find out your entire relationship was built on lies.”
“No, I mean you’ve been working your tail off. You run yourself ragged with your business, then you go and beat yourself into a sweaty pulp at those yoga classes. All so when your head hits the pillow at night, you don’t have to be alone with your own thoughts for one second.”
I bite my lip, pulling it between my teeth. Is that what I’ve been doing? Making myself a hamster in a wheel that never stops spinning?
“I love my work.”
“There’s other things in life besides work, Audrey.”
I bark a laugh. “Yeah. I know exactly what you think those other things are.”
“Enlighten me.” She sets the pen she was fiddling with down and leans back in her chair.
“Children. Motherhood.” We both go silent. My words hang in the air around us. We’ve never broached this subject before. Not truly. Not honestly. “That’s what you want for me.”
“I just want you to be happy.”
“But you’d prefer if that came with grandchildren.” I choke a little on the emotions smothering my throat. “It feels like just me will never be enough for you.”
“I think maybe it’s hard for you to see, from where you sit and how society makes you feel, but let me tell you. I love you kids and Mikey so much, I’m literally unable to contain it. I want everyone to feel as elated as I do to be around my children, who’ve grown into wonderful adults, or have their heart want to burst when they hold their baby’s baby for the first time. I never meant to make you feel like that’s what we expect from you.”
Have I been so defensive this whole time that I took everything as a direct critique about my life when really she’sjust so overjoyed she can’t help but be enthusiastic? I was so insecure I was willing to see my own mother’s words as an attack on me. A woman who has loved me since before I was born, and the only woman in the world who could truly want what’s best for me. I’ve put us at odds when we didn’t need to be because of my own insecurities.
I take a gasping breath, tears stinging my eyes, making my vision blurry. “I’m so sorry, Mom.”
She reaches across the desk to take my hand. “There’s no need to apologize. You needed to figure things out on your own. Heal from the hurt Hunter caused and see things for yourself. If I tried to tell you a year ago that I didn’t care one way or another, you wouldn’t have believed me.”
“You’re right. I was so angry. But now I know that if it wasn’t that it would have been another thing with Hunter. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. I don’t want to dance around important topics anymore. I want to say what I mean and be heard.” She gives my hand a comforting squeeze. I look at her again. “I’m going with Noah.”
“If it doesn’t work out—and I’m not saying it won’t—but if it doesn’t, we’ll always be here.”
A smile splits my lips for the first time since we started, and I can feel the negativity being torn from my spirit like a reckoning. Things between us aren’t perfect, but this is a huge step in the right direction. I’m more than relieved that I will be in a different state and not confined by our rocky relationship.
