Page 48 of Red Zone Realizations
Does anyone else want to take a turn fucking with my emotions today? This is too much to take in after arguing with Sarah. Shit is wound up and I can’t bring it back down. He’s saying the words I want to hear. That I don’t have to do everything right all the time. That I don’t have to make decisions that are in the best interest of everyone else except me. The control that I’ve been tight fisting since I left Hunter. More exhausting. I’m not even thirty and I’m tired.
My emotions were already buzzing just under the surface of my skin, and I find myself unable to hold them in. “I am not who you want to be with. I hurt you, rejected you, and for what? Money? My own comfort? You don’t want someone who could do that to you.” I laugh but it’s empty and toneless. “I put work ahead of everything else. I’m not even the focal point of my own life. I’m too afraid to take what I want for fear of being hurt again. That doesn’t sound like someone who is ready for a relationship.”
“Then tell me. Tell me everything.”
We’re sitting so close together now. Our tone is heated and heavy compared to the summer fun going on around us. The other adults might not be entirely blind to what’s going on over here, but they’re keeping their distance, nonetheless.
In my silence he speaks again. “What happened today?” I look at him stone faced. “You were upset when you got here.”
If Noah is going to continue this relentless, reckless pursuit of me, he needs to know the full reality. He has to have all the information before he can make a decision. I’m done holding back. I’m sick of protecting a sister who doesn’t deserve it. I’m ready to light everything on fire and only keep whatever is strong enough to rise from the ashes.
“When Sarah dropped Mikey off at my house for us to come here today, she berated me about an answer I gave when he asked me a question. At his birthday dinner, he asked me why I didn’t have any kids. I told him that some people find happiness from other things in life, so they don’t have children. He must have said something to Sarah because she accused me of undermining her parenting and poisoning his thoughts of family.” I pause, trying and failing to read Noah’s face. When he just waits, listening, I continue. “And I just lost it. I’m fucking tired of the snide comments and theyou’ll change your minddeclarations. I hate that my parents still think Hunter is a great guy whom I let get away because of my inadequacies.” Anger burns my throat, choking me.
Finally, I explain the worst hurt. Arguably the worst thing I’ve ever done. “I started this whole thing with you in Common Bond weeks ago because she threatened me. She cornered me in the kitchen and told me that if I didn’t help her financially with her custody case for Mikey, she was going to tell you that I didn’t want kids.”
“Why didn’t you tell her to fuck off and tell me yourself?”
“I left Hunter because he thought I would change my mind. He was playing the long game, betting on the fact that I would change who I was. When I left him, my parents didn’t understand why either because they also thought I would eventually come to my senses. No one in my life accepts me for me, except Nicole. No man has ever been okay with me not wanting to have kids. And here I had you. You were so kind and funny and charming and attractive. I was scared to let myself like you because I’ve been down that road before, and I’ve seen that the light at the end of the tunnel is actually a train about to run you over. If I’m going to end up alone eventually anyway, I may as well never get involved and save myself the trouble. That’s what I thought I was doing.” I look him in the eye for the first time since I started. “But you stayed. I couldn’t shake you. Every time I pushed you away, you were right back when I turned around. Like my own buff boomerang. I told myself that this was working because I was helping Sarah, and I was able to be around you without making it serious. I couldn’t help my feelings for you, and putting my emotions in a little box and locking them away every day is exhausting.” I can feel myself running out of steam. The adrenaline from everything slowly ebbing. “I can’t do it anymore. I don’t care if you stay or if you go. I can’t do this balancing act anymore. I can’t wake up every day and put on the mask everyone wants to see.”
I’m totally deflated. Everything that I’ve been running from for months now is out and nothing is holding me up anymore. It’s scary as hell but also so damn liberating.
I prepare myself for the normal reaction—telling me that I just haven’t thought about having kids with him yet, or that Iwill wake up one day in my thirties with baby fever. That women are meant to procreate… All the rest of the bullshit.
But Noah says simply, “Okay.” My eyebrows reach for the sky.
“That’s it?” I question. “You’re not going to tell me I’ll change my mind?”
“Why would I do that? I’m sure you’ve thought this through.”
“I have. I’ve known since I was sixteen.”
“I’ve never thought about it, though. I’ve always assumed that I would have them when the time came. I haven’t thought much about what happens after football. What will my life be like when I retire? But you’re right.”
“I am?” I know I sound surprised, because I am.
“If I’m as serious as I say that I am, I should be thinking about these things.”
I almost choke on my words. What kind of man says exactly what he’s thinking? What kind of game is that?
Hope is on the very tip of my tongue. “So?”
“So, I don’t think I can give you a fair answer right now. Like I said, I’ve never thought about it. I guess I thought that whatever woman I chose to spend my life with would just guide me with her decisions. I know that isn’t right, and I’m going to take this into my own hands. I would never want to give you an answer without consideration, knowing that it could hurt you. Knowing you’ve been hurt before.” He takes both my hands in his and kisses each individual knuckle. “I’m so glad you came tonight. I was worried that my actions last week ruined your trust.”
“I was as much of a participant in that kiss as you were. If I wasn’t at least partly willing, I would have never let you get close enough. And I certainly saw through the classic guy-teaches-girl-sports-thing. I knew what it was, and I allowed it.” I glance down at his full lips. “I enjoyed it. Actually, I really liked it.” His lips break into a warm smile.
The fog around us lifts. The upbeat pop music pumping over the speakers reaches my ears once again. I lean back on the pool chair and release the tension in my shoulders. Things are okay between us. This is not ruined.
I didn’t ruin it.
I’m not ruined.
Sarah holds nothing over me now.
Chapter Twenty-Three
NOAH
I walk away from Audrey who is up off the chair, rounding up her nephew. I pull out my phone and shoot a quick text to my therapist.
