Page 64 of Red Zone Realizations
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“We were close as kids. I know we have different careers and lead different lives, but…” I trail off in thought, leaving her space to jump in. When she doesn’t, I continue. “I don’t want us to be like this forever. But I also won’t be your ATM.”
I see a flash of emotion in her eyes, but I can’t fathom what it's from. She quickly looks down at her hands to hide it. When she looks back up, a hard exterior has replaced any chance of peeking through. “I didn’t skirt the realities of life. I didn’t shirk my responsibilities to society like you have.”
“You don’t think there’s any way to be involved in society other than marriage and reproduction?”
“Not in as meaningful of a way.”
“Did you ever consider that I know that I wouldn’t be a good mom?” I can see this rattles her. She hadn’t thought of this before. She assumed, like many do, that every woman is wired to be a caregiver. “It’s responsible, when you think about it, to seriously consider if you want to or are capable of bringing a life into this world. Even if I was, I want my freedom. That’s part of running my own business. You know I’ve never liked being told what to do.” I smirk at her across the table.
“No man wants a woman who doesn’t want?—”
I’m not giving her a chance to finish that. I hold up my hand, smirk falling from my face. “Do you know how hurtful it is to say that? I could flip the script and go on to say that maybe men don’t want someone who has another man’s child. Is that hurtful for you to hear that? Once again, I’m being demonized for picking myself over society’s expectations. You’re my sister. Don’t you want me to be happy? Even if that doesn’t look like your happiness. Could I be a mother? Sure.Would I enjoy it? No. Would I love a child the way they deserve their mother to love taking care of them? No, I wouldn’t. So I’m opting out. For myself, yes, but also for my theoretical children. They deserve better. And so do I.” I let that sink in. The silence isn’t tense anymore but full of power. “It’s not about undermining your parenting or influencing Mikey. It’s actually not about you at all.” I can feel the rightness of every decision I’ve made in the last forty-eight hours rushing through my veins. It’s the same sense I get when I feel the universe pushing me in a certain direction. “Noah knows everything. He took some time to decide what he wanted, as is his right, and that time apart nearly broke me, but it meant that he could come back and stay with me without any doubts. I understand there’s a chance that in the future he will change his mind, but even if that happens, I will never regret the time I have with him.”
For her part, Sarah looks thoroughly doused. Like she was sitting front row for the log flume ride at Splashtown. Her words are nearly a whisper. “Don’t you want me to have Mikey?”
I reach across the table and put my hand on top of hers. “Of course I do, but Tyler is his father, and if he wants time with Mikey, that’s his right. Until he does something that deems it unsafe, he can fight for whatever he wants. It doesn’t matter that he’s still with the woman he cheated on you with. He can be a bad husband and still be a good father.”
“What will Mom and Dad think about all of this?”
“They don’t make my decisions for me.” I stand to leave, sliding my bag over my arm again. “If you need me to babysit, feel free to text, but it will be if, and only if, it fits into my personal life. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or my nephew. These are my boundaries. It was wrong of you toblackmail me. That’s not what family does. But I love you, Sarah. We’re sisters no matter what. But the guilt ends with this conversation.”
I’m done letting other people drive for me. I’ve learned stick shift and I’m taking over the wheel of my own life.
With that I turn to leave, heart beating like I just finished a marathon. My strides taking me to the shelter of Noah’s car are quick.
Telling your family off is hard. That’s all I can think as I pick my way through the parking lot to find Noah exactly where I’d left him. Of course he hadn’t moved an inch. Yet I feel like I just moved light years ahead with my life and it feels even better than my most recent orgasm.
Chapter Thirty-Three
NOAH
When I finally check my phone after Audrey heads into Common Bond I see three missed calls from my mom.
“Shit.” I hit dial. It only rings once before my mom’s voice comes through the phone.
“Noah?” Her voice is high pitched with worry.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I came home and went right to bed and didn’t see.”
“I was so worried about you. When you weren’t answering, I texted Colin who told me that you’d been released and were fine.”
I’ll have to send him a message thanking him. I’m sure Chrissy told him I took Audrey home with me last night. “I’m all right, Mom. Just a little bruised.”
“I swear I’ve never gotten used to seeing my baby boy on that field. It’s a heart attack every time you hit someone.”
“Good thing I’m normally the one doling them out,” I say, trying to inject some levity into my voice.
“I thought I was done with this stress when your father retired, and there you went right into it after him.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“You didn’t even do our sign to let me know you’re okay. I can see it on the TV, you know. Just like I could from the bleachers.” When I first started playing serious football, post peewee, Mom and I came up with a hand signal that I could do to show her I was fine. That way she would know if I had broken something, or just got the wind knocked out of me. With everything going on lately and the brutality of that hit, I forgot all about it.
“I promise I’m fine.”
“Your father is worried too,” she says in a way that suggests he hasn’t actuallysaidhe was worried about me, she’s just inferring it.
