Page 8 of Vile Emotion
Alaric’s face morphs into that angry one he had when he first watched me in the courtroom as he moves the leg back to the ground. He scoots closer to me, placing his arms near his knees.
“What makes you think I don’t love my son?” He asks, pointing at his chest. “I don’t care who he came from. He is a good kid and I’ll never give him up. He has a family. Me. I’m his family and his father. I’ve been there since the beginning when he cried all night for a mother who never cared to name him or breastfeed him so he could remember her smell. His first walks, his little I love yous, his smiles and all his birthdays, I’ve been there!” He takes a deep breath, looking away then back at me. “Don’t tell me anything when it comes to my son. I said to raise him not tell me what’s best for him. Only I know.”
Before I could get another word in, Alaric stands and walks out of the room, slamming the door. I hear as the lock turns, he’s locked me in here.
My heart sinks to my feet as I think about my son. I had to give him up so he could have something more than this. So that he didn’t need to know the tragedy that brought him into this world. How could I tell him who his father was and how it allhappened? Hell, Edwin didn’t even know I was pregnant and I made sure to never say a word.
I can’t believe my son is here and he’s being raised by someone who loathes me but how can he claim to love my son, a product of me yet he hates the source?
I sink to the floor, holding on to my chest, the closest to my heart I’ll ever be as I sob because I would’ve never given him up but I had to. I remember his little cry into the world and how much I wanted to take him in my arms but if I did, I wouldn’t have let him go. Turning my head away from the nurse holding him was the only way I could hold on to that. I had to let him be able to grow up without Edwin in his life. Without the taint that came with his mother. I didn’t even want people knowing he was a Hart. He deserved more so I kept him nameless. I didn’t even have a name in place for him. I couldn’t be attached to him. No matter how much he was always going to be a part of me.
I had to let him go so that he could live but… he’s here with Alaric, is that really living? Is he free?
7
Icould go without the flinching that’s being thrown my way from her but then again, I’m basking in her reaction to me. It does make me curious, why is she flinching when I’ve never laid a hand on her? Could it be that she got into more fights than I was told about in prison or was this something else?
Half of Juliana’s reasoning for keeping her son is probably because he’s Black and I’m not. His skin color, ethnicity or background doesn’t change the fact that I love that kid. He’s my son.
A life for a life.
She took my wife, so she became my wife. She took my kid, so hers became mine. There was no other way around it even if she groveled on her knees for him. I meant what I said, I wouldn’t give him up for anything. When I adopted him, it wasn’t for some sick joke or cruelty towards Juliana, it was because he deserved better.
A better mother and a better father.
Speaking of fathers, I made sure that her deadbeat boyfriend, Edwin, didn’t know about his child. He couldn’t even come back to fight for Alaric because I made sure he signed documents.Were they what he thought he was signing? Probably not, but I don’t give a fuck.
Plus, what kind of father would Edwin be? He testified against Juliana saying she had rushed out of the car because she was upset he didn’t do what she wanted. They had had a fight, one Juliana didn’t bother to clarify nor retract his words.
Instead of heading to my room, I head in the opposite direction to my son’s room. When I open the door, he’s sleeping soundly in his bed. My chest swells with pride every single time I see him. I wasn’t lying when I told her, he was my son. I would never say this to Juliana but Alaric is the best part of her, the only thing from her that came out good. The rest of her was going to be shackled to me like two prisoners on death row.
Her and I no longer lived as humans. We both died the day my wife and children died.
I walked over to my son and laid a kiss on his forehead before I placed the blanket back on his body. He likes to kick the sheets off until he is completely void of it but I knew that he knew I would always come back in and place it back on his body. I was and am, his protector for life.
After grabbing another drink,I walk past her room but then I double back. I feel uneasy sleeping in my room so I enter hers again and there she is… sleeping on the floor like I fucking told her not to.
Instead of waking her up, I walked back to the seat that I was sitting in before she realized I was there. Watching her. Looking at every move that she made; her whimpers, her cries and even the breath she takes, I count them.
I haven’t slept well since my family died and I don’t plan on sleeping again until both Juliana and I have suffered enough.
Even when that happens, it won’t be enough. It will never be enough.
A cough pulls me away from my deep thoughts and my eyes glare at Juliana as she whimpers again in her sleep.
“Please… please…” she begs in her sleep.
“Please what, Juli?” I whisper back to her but then she quiets down.
There’s nothing else that she says as she takes those odd breaths again. Breaths that feel like she’s holding something back even in her sleep. I need to know everything else about her even if she doesn't want me to. There are things that I feel deep in my bones that she’s keeping hidden in the crevices of her mind but I will find it. Just like I found out everything else. She shouldn’t have put herself in front of me. In front of my family’s life because then she could have had whatever she wanted… and that is freedom from me.
This isn’t like you, Dean…
Words that I know Carmen would’ve said to me but I didn’t care. I don’t care anymore because I would love to hold her words true to my ears and digest them. She is no longer living. Hell, if I could see ghosts, she probably wouldn’t be seen by me. She was a perfect soul, one that would have crossed over along with my son. The most innocent people in my life.
There was a storm brewing deep within me that was never going to quiet down, not even for my son, Alaric. I should care about Ricky and how one day he will find out who his mother really is but I can’t let go.
I won’t let go of my revenge.
