Page 26 of Vile Emotion
After whatever that was in the car with him shielding me, Alaric nor I said a single word until the diner.
As I exit out of the car, Alaric stops me with his words.
“I’ll be back later to pick you up. Don’t go with anyone else and don’t do anything else. Or you’ll regret it.”
I want to really tell him where he could shove those words but I nod and shut the door. My eyes roll knowing he can’t see me do that and he doesn’t stop me so I breathe a sigh of relief as I walk into the diner.
Everything seems different already as the staff look at me weirdly and the manager just stares at my ring instead of being his overly perky self or inserting himself in my personal bubble.
These are things that I became used to as an ex socialite and that was the looks. The ones that told me I didn’t belong there or anywhere else, that was one of the many reasons I ran head first into Edwin. It was stupid and it made me realize that I was immature in looking for someone to just be there.
I looked for someone so badly that I became blinded to the fact that I did have that. I had my family; my mother, my father, my younger siblings.
When I sit and reflect on it now as I slip on my work shoes in the locker room, all I can say is that I miss them. They didn’t have a choice but to isolate themselves. I made them the enemy and Edwin the hero. That is on me but I know they have their own guilt.
Sometimes, Dad didn’t push as much and Mom pushed too damned hard. I tried to be what they wanted but I didn’t want that. I just wanted to be Juliana and now, I thought I had that after jail but he’s taken it away from me again.
My mind goes to the moment in the car. I don’t know what possessed me earlier to reach out and wipe that lone tear but I did. When Alaric grabbed my wrist, there was something about it that felt familiar but there was no alarm in my body that told me to run from him as it usually did.
Even when I woke up in his arms, my body didn’t scream as it would have all those years in jail at being afraid someone would try to kill me.
One thing that I can thank Alaric for is the toughening up I got in jail. Not with fights or anything but I learned that I could stand on my own.
I learned that I could also become a worse version of myself, a scary person that wrapped a bedsheet together and made a noose all because I couldn’t take this world anymore.
Someone saved me again from my death and this time, I took the opportunity to assimilate to my environment. I learned how to act tough in situations that required it. I knew when to account for surprise shankings or beat ups.
Prison was the worst part of me, a part that I would never allow to escape again but Alaric seemed to be bringing that out of me.
I won’t attack him or shank him but he’s making me want to fight. Everything in me wants to fight the nature of being quiet and submissive in a way that is forced.
“Can we get a little bit of help out here?”
My manager says in a tone that I haven’t heard him use, pulling me out of whatever reflection and thoughts I was having.
“Alright, coming.”
There’s no point in picking a fight with him considering that in two weeks I won’t be here. Standing, I straighten out my uniform and close my eyes like I did before my world became a never ending cycle of crazy and sadness. I focus on the nothingness I have left and use that to my strengths.
After a quiet moment, that nothingness is gone and Alaric holding me invades that moment. I open my eyes quickly. I don’t want that nor do I need him invading the quiet moments. He can’t take everything from me. This is all I have left of my own. I can’t give him the space in my head.
No.
AS I SERVEand time goes by, I don’t focus on what’s going on. I take orders and serve as if I am a robot but then there’s that voice… A voice I haven’t heard in so long giving me their order. An order I can never forget as a sickening feeling takes over me freezing me in this moment. Everything moves slowly as I finally force my eyes to move up to look him in the eye.
Edwin?I want to ask out loud but I don’t instead my eyes just stare into his soulless eyes. Light brown eyes that used to sparkle are so dim now. His lips that I thought were plush and soft are nothing but a weapon in the shape of a smirk. Those strong hands that I thought would be soft to the touch are now seen as the thing that hurt me the most. I gave him all of me so that he could care for me yet he threw me into the fire making sure to mark my soul over and over. His built stature that I used to find appealing isn’t what I want anymore. I don’t find anything about him attractive.
“Not going to service me?”
Those words coming from his lips will never be innocent, no matter how much I wish that they were.
He reaches out to touch my wrist and I jerk back bumping into someone.
“Excuse me. I’m sorry.” I turn to apologize to the customer and Alaric is standing there in a suit. The opposite of what he wore when he first walked in here.
“Alaric…” I whisper as if he was summoned.
“Hello, wife.” He says and there is a certain bite to his voice.
