Page 67 of Vile Emotion
“I’m not a good man, Juju,” I say, gripping the counter tightly, trying to resist the urge to touch her.
Another issue I’m struggling with is my inability to stop thinking about her. My hands, lips, and eyes keep finding her. This is not something I’m supposed to be doing, and I’ve lost the purpose of what I had planned.
“You don’t need to be a good man to let me go, do you?”
The chuckle that escapes my lips is filled with bitterness.
“It’s not the same thing, and you know it, I’m not Cassius at all. Don’t hope for me to let you go, no matter how guilty I feel inside, Juju. I’m not that kind of man.”
“What kind of man are you then?”
“Why do you need an answer all of a sudden?”
“I just need to know, I don’t understand you. On one hand, you kiss me, and then on the other, you completely ignore me. You’ve been avoiding me, so I thought you’d be willing to let me go.”
“Well, I’m not. I told you, you’re my only line of vision, and I can’t seem to even see my fucking peripheral, Juliana. So, stop asking me to do something I know I can’t fucking do.”
There are better ways to express what I’m saying. It’s not a love confession; it’s just what I know. I’ve never been a what-ifs type of person; I’m a hard facts guy. The hard fact is, I’m too invested in her to let her go. Too obsessed to give in to her request.
Juliana doesn’t want more from our relationship, she wants out and if I could suspend reality for a second to think then I can understand where she’s coming from but that’s not what I’m going to do.
“Then what can you do?” Juliana asks.
“What?” I’m thrown off by the question for a second.
“What can you do for me, Alaric? What can you give me? Are you going to chain me up to your side and I can only move when you deem it worthy?”
“Don’t tempt me, my Ana. You think you know what you’re talking about but you don’t.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about either so just help me understand, why can’t you let me go? Or maybe just give me some freedom?”
My brow raises in question.
“Give you some freedom? Have I not always given you freedom? I let you run around and breathe in this fucking house with no complaint. I say I’m going to torture you and make your life a living hell yet it’s the opposite as I defend you or kiss you in front of everyone so they know whose you are. I gave you a life you didn’t fucking have, Juliana!”
“No, you took away a life I could have had as soon as I stepped out of prison.” Her tears pool in her eyes.
“What life? You think you’d go back to your parents and they’d just accept you? You? YOU! The fucking murderer? The daughter who pissed away her inheritance over a fucking loser? They would have slammed the fucking door in your face and you know it.” The last part comes out as more of a whisper and Juliana’s face is filled with horror.
She shakes her head as the tears fall and I know I fucked up. I know I seriously hurt her feelings.
“Fuck you, Alaric. You’re right, you’re not a good person.”
As Juliana begins to walk away, I quickly eat up the steps between us and catch her before she leaves the kitchen.
“Shit, Juliana, I didn’t mean that.”
Juliana turns, ripping her arm out of my hand and shoves me hard. “Don’t touch me!” She yells.
I’m shocked because I’ve never heard her yell. She shoves me again but this time, it knocks some sense into me.
I pull her into a bear hug. “I’m sorry, baby. I went too far. I’m sorry.”
“No, get off!” She shoves at me and I let her go. I see what she’s going to do before she does it but I don’t move out of the way. Juliana slaps the guilt out of my mouth and as if she realizes what she just did, she takes a step back with that same expression of horror. “I’m sor-, I didn’t, I woul?—.”
I sink my fingers into her hair while the other pulls her closer. “Shut the fuck up.” I grit.
Without another moment wasted, I kiss her hard and after the momentary shock, Juliana kisses me back causing an aching so painfully deep in my bones to take care. I groan as I move us, slamming her into the wall. Her hands find my biceps as support.
