Page 66 of Vile Emotion
“Why?”
“I don't owe you an answer, Juliana.”
“It’s literally my family.”
“Okay.”
“With a focus on me. A smiling me.”
Alaric rolls his eyes and walks away towards another door. I follow and it’s a half empty walk-in closet. I want to ask more questions but I’m stunned at how he only occupies one side and the other is completely empty except for a toy stuffed giraffe with dry bloody splotches, a brown bear, a tiny baby elephant and a set of engagement and wedding band with the same dry bloodied splotches. My eyes widen as three sonograms are there on the plush shelf. Two are of his kids; one of the one who saw a fewyears and the other of the unborn one. The last is of Ricky jr. I never kept the sonogram when I was in jail for fear of wanting to seek him out and ruining his life.
My chest aches because I didn’t mean to take away his family. I wouldn’t have done that to anyone.
“I’m so sorry.” I whisper to the children that I was responsible for taking their lives and their mother that was innocent in all this. “I didn’t…”
Alaric doesn’t say a single thing to me as he continues to look through his jewelry further into the walk-in and I watch his every step as he removes a necklace that I never noticed he wore. He places it in the glass chest and for a moment, he stares at his wedding ring on his left finger. He twists it but then he starts removing it.
He hesitates for a moment but then he fully removes it placing it also in the chest then locks it with a key. He replaces it with another gold band and his thumb rubs it a bit but he stops.
Alaric catches my eye as he turns then he looks at where I’m standing. I open my mouth to say something to him but he keeps on walking. My arm reaches out, holding him and stopping him from moving on.
“Let me go.” I tell him, surprised by my own words and Alaric chuckles as if I’m the one that’s crazy in this scenario.
“No.” He responds as if that is the only word he’s learned lately. He doesn’t even look my way.
“No to what?”
“You can’t leave.'' He says so matterfactly that I want to hurt him by thinking I can’t walk away from all of this.
I can… Can’t I? Even if it means I die in the process.
“You’re never going to be able to replace me with Carmen, Alaric. Let’s just be honest with ourselves. If I go now, you can let go of every bad thing that’s happened to you, me included.” My tears fall down my face and I don’t care to stop them.
“I told you already. I’ve replaced what I lost and that’s your cross to bear, Juli, don’t ask me to do something I can’t.”
Doesn’t he understand me? How can I ever be in the same spot as his wife?
I killed her and it was all my fault. No matter what, Edwin wasn’t driving the car. I could’ve stopped for the red light but I didn’t. It doesn’t even matter that I tried to crawl to his wife’s car but I couldn’t make it. The indescribable pain that crept over my body is something I will never be able to forget.
“Let me go, Alaric. Do it for Ricky. Do it for our son.”
Alaric finally looks my way with an expression I’ve never seen displayed around me, longing.
“What about me, Juliana? You’re my wife and I won’t let you go. It’s not going to happen. I’ve only seen you for five years in my head. I’ve only dreamt about you for five fucking years and stayed in fucking agony for it. Every emotion I have is attached to you. So no Juliana, I won’t let you go. My answer is no.”
He walks away from me leaving me more confused than ever.
What does he mean every emotion he has is attached to me?
46
When Juliana suggested letting her go, I couldn’t control my response. I couldn’t fathom how she could think I would willingly give up on her. Am I some kind of crazy person, or am I a good man, whom she believes that I’d do that?
You are a good person.
Carmen’s memory of her words comes flooding back, like a double punch to the gut. After my denial of Juliana’s request. I didn’t feel as guilty as I should have about removing Carmen and I’s wedding band, which symbolized our union, and replacing it with one that only Juliana and I shared.
Juliana follows me as I leave the room heading to the kitchen, forgetting all about the shirt I was supposed to put on besides my lounge pants, not because I was moving away from her or because I needed to do anything for her, I just needed to put some space between us.
