Page 64 of Vile Emotion
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Juliana needed a reminder.
A good one that she was Mrs Crowne. I don’t know if I mind reminding her or not but right now, I’m leaning towards, I don’t.
Reminding her that she was the mother of our child…was necessary even if I wasn’t prepared to say it to her right here and now. It came out and I stood by it because there wasn’t a point of me going back on my word. That is not the Crowne way.
Juliana didn’t answer me with any suggestions, instead she ate her lunch completely ignoring whatever I was saying.
Even on the way back to the office, she got into the elevator yet, no words. It was fine because I was reeling in from my own realization that I was letting her into my son’s life.
Yes, Yes, it’s his birth mother and that’s something I should’ve allowed before but I couldn’t. I had to see that she wouldn’t abandon him like she did when she was in prison. Speaking of prison, just as Juliana is stepping out on her level, I get off with her and make sure to stop her from moving any further.
Juliana doesn’t say anything as she just looks at me, “you’re not in a prison, Juliana. Stop behaving like you are.”
Juliana doesn’t say anything for a moment as she just stares at me like I’ve grown a third head. “How can I do that when at any moment you’d send me back there?”
“When have I ever said that?”
“You told me that yourself.”
“No,” I shake my head. “I told you that I wanted you next to me when I descend to hell, you can’t escape me even there but I won’t send you away. I thought about it, you know?”
“About sending me back to prison?”
“No, about sending you away or letting you go. I thought about letting you go when you first ran but that part of me that didn’t want to forgive you, didn’t let me.”
Juliana looks away and then back at me.
“You’re saying you forgive me?”
“No, I’m not saying that either, I’m saying, I’ve thought about letting you go before but the answer was the same each time. I can’t do it. Even if you don’t like it and even if I don’t like it, I can’t do it.”
“That’s not a good thing, is it?”
Her question is bold and it would make her more of a Crowne if she made it a statement rather than a question but baby steps.
“It’ll never be a good thing, Juliana. I don't offer vacations or love or peace in my home. I am here to simply torture you. To drive you crazy and to make you regret living. That’s what I’m here for.”
“So then, why do you keep acting the opposite of it, Ricky?”
“Do you think you’ll get an answer from me?”
“No, I don’t but maybe, just maybe, if you sat down to think about this all, you’d realize that I have no one anyways. It doesn’t matter what happens to me. I’m not the girl that people run to and rescue, not saying I need them to. It’s just part of life.”
“So you just accept that?”
“What else can I do? Accepting your reality is part of continuing on with life even if it’s a fucked up version you’re living. Even if it’s a nightmare.” She glares at me.
There’s that spunk again. That bravado she keeps unleashing at random moments.
“You forget so easily…” I cup her cheeks and make sure she can’t avoid my eyes as I lower my forehead on hers. “You ran and I followed. You hid and I found you. You tried to bring light and I trapped us in darkness. Whatever you have cooking up in your mind about yourself, overcook it so I can scoop it up, throw it in the trash and show you just what the fuck I have in store for you. Juliana, baby, I will forever be your nightmare. Just like you said, accept your reality and continue living this fucked up version, it’s the only version you and I will ever have.”
Without thought, I angle her face and kiss her forehead.
“See you after work, sweetheart. Don’t let anyone bully you again. Don’t let Brad fucking be near you again or I’ll take matters into my own hands. You won’t like that shit either.”
Letting her go, I turn my back on her as I wait for the elevator. Once I step in, I can still feel her eyes on me but I don’t give her the satisfaction of looking into them. Before the elevator completely shuts, I give her what she’s looking for and while there’s confusion in her gaze, the more prominent one is desire. I’ve never once seen desire in her eyes when she’s looking at me but now, there’s no mistaking it.
