Page 24 of Vile Emotion
“The shelter?” He repeats like he is translating it into another language that probably involves killing me somehow.
“Yes, I like to help out over there. Sometimes, they need help like picking up things and dropping off some groceries or other tim–.”
“Yeah, yeah, shut up and go get ready then.” Alaric says as he moves off me.
My brain didn’t click or rather it didn’t fully compute that there was a big ass man hovering over me but somehow Alaric made it where my body wasn’t touching his nor did I feel any pressing weight of his body on mine.
Without hesitation, I roll off the bed and grab my essentials as I quickly walk–not run–to the bathroom.
“Don’t lock it.” Alaric says and I want to say something but I don’t.
The quicker I can be in here is how much quicker I can get out. Since it’s a women’s shelter, I know he can’t come in and I’m banking on that the most. I won’t run or hide but I need some time away from him to figure it all out. To know what I am doing but I haven’t had the chance to do that because all he does is watch me.
The water pelts my skin as I step into the shower. The warm water turns hot as I close my eyes, letting it hit me in the face as tears fall down my face because the thought of Godric being really gone again has hit me one more time.
I didn’t know him personally but he was good to me. I should be scared that he is a ghost but again, I’m not. It’s as if my grandmother knew that this would happen. That I had to be ready for this moment. He was the first man that stood in front of me and I didn’t feel as though something was going to happen to me. Maybe that’s why I was comfortable because he always kept his distance.
The shower curtain is pulled back and I turn quickly to see a very much stark naked Alaric climb into the shower right behind me.
“What are you doing!” I shriek.
“Taking a shower.” He says as he moves into my space and reaches behind me grabbing my body wash. “This would go byquicker if we had separate showers but we don’t. Hurry up.” The sternness in his voice has me jumping.
There isn’t a thought in my head thinking that Alaric is going to fill up on me or want me in that way, I just… have never thought we would be in such a predicament, him and I.
I haven’t seen another man naked since Edwin and I blink as I take Alaric in. His exterior is just as hard as his interior. Everything on him seems solid enough that I couldn’t beat him in a fight. His toned legs, body, arms, and chest peppered with hair screams that he’s a full blooded male.
My eyes don’t look up at him but they involuntarily take a glimpse where they don’t need to look at all. I take a step back away from how heavy and powerfulitappears and him but Alaric takes another step towards me. His soapy hands grab my jaw hard causing me to whimper as he lifts my sight up to his.
There are no words exchanged as he moves in so close that I tremble. Neither of us gaze away instead we’re at war with each other. Not fighting ourselves but rather getting ourselves ready for what is next. The inevitable…
“Repeat who you are and what you are.” The devil demands me.
“We are sealed and we’re not ourselves anymore. We’ve disintegrated and morphed into one being. You are you and I am you. I have lost all sense of self. Juliana doesn’t exist. I am your shadow. I only take the steps you take and I breathe when you do.” I grit through my teeth as hot, angry tears fall down from having to repeat something so freaking obscene and degrading.
“Good. Now,” He pulls me even closer as he leans forward placing his forehead on mine. His lips are on mine but he isn’t pressing for a kiss. “I’m going to repeat what I first told you and you know what my warning was if you ran away from me. Your life, your soul, your very being and air is mine. You can’t do anything without my approval. There is no running away fromme, Juliana. Your fear, hope and the little bit of joy you’ve gained being here for as long as I allowed you to be, is mine… I told you that if I had to repeat myself, I would drag you through the mud and much, MUCH worse than the media ever could. The clothes on your back, your nakedness,” his free hand touches the scarring on my back not caring if I want him not to.
“every single follicle of hair, every scar, and your trembles mixed in with your tears, is mine. It belongs to me. I am and forever will remain your god and devil. That one side could’ve granted you that freedom you craved one day but you fucked it up and now, the other side. The side you’re afraid of that you can’t seem to sleep because it’s always watching you, yeah… that side will always make sure you never get far enough to live that freedom. Continue to pray to me. Get on your knees and beg me to give you a small reprieve from what you’ve done. Lessen your punishment. Just know everything my hands are on you or when I pull you close, it's not a blessing but a curse. I’ve damned you. Every single part of you is marked. I give you life and I take it away.”
Alaric watches me for a moment longer as his words further sink into me as his fingers further dig into my cheeks.
His fingers leave a sickening and burning trail as it moves further up, dipping into my hair and he tugs causing me to grunt. “Shower and let’s go.”
He commands as he lets me go, turning me to face the shower while he continues to rinse off behind me.
My mind and body are confused. Every part of me is gone. I belong to Alaric but I don’t want to yet there’s something that’s changed at this moment… But I don't know what.
18
Keeping busy is something that I’ve never had a problem with… before but now, when I wake up, I think of what I’m going to do to Juliana and when I sleep, I have dreamless dreams that I know somehow lead me back to waking up thinking of what to do next… with Juliana.
Nothing about this is love or romantic feelings, I don’t want her in the sexual sense or anything like that.
I just want her to suffer. I want her to understand what she did to me. The way she hurt me and took everything from me.
It’s not enough for me that she simply has to breathe the air that I allow her to breathe. It doesn’t feel sufficient, it feels like this is the bare minimum. As if she should be crying and begging me to allow her to live yet here she is, quiet in my car and enjoying the scenery as I take her to work.
I’M TAKING HER TO WORK!Even this doesn’t make sense. But I can’t seem to want her to disappear because then what will I have left? There will be no memory of Carmen that is attainable. There shouldn’t be an image of Carmen where she’s bleeding and her lifeless eyes stare back at me hard, begging me to bring her back to life forever frozen in my head but there is.
