Page 104 of Her Dark Seduction
“Vane—”
“No, let me tell all. From the moment I saw you I wanted you, but only when you cried out in the dark that night I first took you did I understand the depth of my desire. I knew then I could love you. Every action I undertook since, was to ensure your protection.”
“But you treated me…”
“…so cruelly,sweetling, I know. I bear great shame for my actions toward you, but I was so proud of your strength. You carried yourself with dignity and bore your burden at Mortlock more bravely than any man. I only saw glimpses of your inner feelings when we were alone at night, or during the day when others showed you compassion. Percy and Harwyn—you suffered for the kindness they showed you.”
I flinched at the memory of their deaths. Vane looked up at me, his eyes laden with vulnerability and, unmistakably, for the first time, love.
“Tell me honestly, my love—had I been openly kind to you, had you known the depth of my love, would you have had the resolve to withstand Mortlock’s treatment and conceal your feelings? Had you acted inappropriately he would have had you killed. I did what was necessary to prevent it.”
“But you treated me like a whore!”
“Believe me, I had no wish to. Your fate was sealed the day you married Mortlock. You were to be given to any number of men of my choice, to be mounted like a mare in heat, then discarded after you served your purpose. I could not bear to give you to others so I took you for myself. I wish I could have treated you more kindly. You may have suffered at my hands but the alternatives were not to be borne.”
“You were so cold,” I whispered.
“We both had a role to play,” he said. “De Beauvane had secured my position to gain Mortlock’s trust. It gave me no pleasure to meet Celia in your chamber while she tended to you but it was the only way to be near you, to watch over you without arousing suspicion. As for lying with you shortly afterward—cherie, you must forgive the needs and weaknesses of a mortal man. I wanted you. I still do. Devil take me, woman, I crave you so much I could die from it.”
“But ’twas not merely the needs of the flesh that drew me to you, my love. I saw and understood your courage. I had no wish for you to be entirely friendless. As Tarvin I could give you hope, the ability to nourish the strength from within you to endure the events to come.”
“Why did you never tell me you were Tarvin?” I cried. “Why did you let me think he had died, that I had lost a friend?”
“Lisetta, you loved him and hated me. You criedhisname when I took you. To reveal that the man who gave you such hope was an illusion created by a man you hated—I couldn’t do that to you. And yet, even though you hated me, you tended to my wound with such care. Woman, you even saved my life. To see you in that forest, soaked to the skin, heavy with child, brandishing your knife, prepared to defend me against another! Your eyes were full of courage—how I loved you at that moment! I began to hope you might grow to love me.”
“I did grow to love you, Vane,” I whispered, “though it brought me no joy. Outside the confines of Mortlock I saw something of the man behind the mask, how you treated Jack and Lily with love. Yet you turned unfriendly eyes toward me. You believed me a whore—a seducer of your brother, though it was you who went out whoring.”
“Was that why you left me?”
His accusation stung.
“Could you blame me? I could bear it no longer. I wanted my son to be like you, but I did not want him to be brought up to despise me as you did. Selfish I may have been, Vane, but if I could not have your love, then by leaving you I could ensure I would have Geoffrey’s.”
“Yet you risked your life to return.”
“Only to ensure Geoffrey’s safety. When I realized I would never be free of de Tourrard, all I had left in my power to do was ensure Geoffrey would not have to endure him.”
Vane sighed, “’Tis as Jack thought. He said I was a fool to let you go. He persuaded me to look for you after he saw your letter to Tarvin. It was a name I often adopted when spying for de Beauvane—a silly made up name from our childhood—a play on the letters of my own name. Valentine Sawford became Tarvin de Fowensal. I was angry and jealous, seeing the easy friendship between you and Jack. Lily told me you had claimed the babe you carried was another’s. I thought you had spoken out of hatred for me.”
I shook my head, “Nay, Vane. I spoke out of love. Lily loved you as a sister. She had great faith in your goodness. I could not shatter that faith. I handed Geoffrey to them because I wanted him to grow up in a loving family. After Maman died there was no love in my life. I grew cold and unloving in order to survive. I wanted no such life for our son.”
“Oh, Lisetta!” Vane’s voice wavered with emotion. “You are neither cold nor unloving. I know what you have suffered in the name of love. The lady Adelia has shown me. I have seen with my own eyes what you endured on my behalf and to protect our son. My greatest wish is that you had not killed de Tourrard yourself. As your husband, lover, and protector, it wasmyduty.”
He drew me down to kneel with him and took my face in his hands.
“I tried to find you, Lisetta. I bitterly regret what I said to you. I visited no whores, my love. I wanted to hurt you, to make you as jealous as I was. But it did not ease my pain, for I only succeeded in losing you. After you had gone, I told Jack and Lily to leave with Geoffrey, but I stayed behind to look for you. I found where they held you but they spotted me. I tried again when Shoreton was besieged. I was among the first who broke into the bailey, but I couldn’t fight through. A man stopped me. Forgive me, Lisetta for not being able to free you.”
A man stopped me. “Papa—that wasyouat Shoreton—you who killed him?”
“Aye. Forgive me.”
I shook my head. “You need no forgiveness. ’Tis a sin to say, but you delivered his due reward for what he did to Maman. But he injured your arm. I saw you fall.”
“It heals,” he said, a smile forming on his lips, “but your concern pleases me.”
He leaned forward to brush his lips against mine but before I could kiss him back, he pulled away. I frowned at the sense of loss.
“Vane…”
