Page 71 of Cedar Edge
Law tense behind me, the lie hovering between us all but he doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t correct me or tell Logan that Royce may be gone but eventually I’ll have to pay up for the help I asked for.
Winter
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Henbane, Black: “Described in great depth in Greek sagas and western plays as creation of great evil, henbane was once referred to as ‘a poisonous and dangerous plan, of dismal aspect and disagreeable smell.’”
-Fez Inkwright,Botanical Curses and Poisons: The Shadow Lives of Plants-
Thea
The world looks different at sunrise, those first peaks of oranges, reds and yellows flitting through the dark skies. In Cedar Edge it looks down right magical. And the view from my garden has come to be my favorite spot to watch it happen.
This morning feels different, however, there is a bite in the air. No longer does it smell like the promise of crisp apples and cinnamon sticks. Now the scent of snow hangs heavy in the air. Even my breath puffs out in front of me in clouds above the hot coffee in my hand. While I’m sad to see fall leave I can’t help but feel hopeful for the winter season. It’s another reminder that I’ve not only survived, but thrived.
A faint smile tugs at my lips as I raise the coffee mug upward and take a long sip. The clove and cinnamon in the pumpkin spice creamer cover up the smells around me. Law had been so proud when he came home last night, announcing he found more pumpkin spice creamer. I hadn’t realized he had heard me lament about my favorite creamer leaving for the season and knowing he did made me love him that much more. I made sure he knew what a good boy he was after.
“I like that smile on you.” Not long ago Ace sneaking up on me like this would have startled me, but now my body stays relaxed. My mind focused on watching the sunrise. The hot summer months and crisp fall days have burned away the Thea who cowered from Royce and ushered in someone new. “You’ve been coming out here a lot.” He adds.
Ace sits down next to me, the warmth of his body pressing into the blanket I have wrapped around me. The smile on my face grows and I let my head drop against his shoulder. “I want to enjoy it before the snow chases me out of the garden.” I keep my voice soft and reverent, unwilling to break the spell that the dawn light has draped over this magical place.
Ace doesn’t say anything but his arm snakes around my center, under the blanket. I melt into his touch snuggling down into the soft blanket. Moments like these are the ones I crave with him. Logan and Law and I have always been able to reach this place of softness but Ace and I? We seem to do things a little differently out in the real world. But in this garden, the one he brought to life for me, we let that softness take us.
“I’ll build you a gazebo, and a fire pit.” He says finally. Pulling my head from his shoulder I gaze over at him, with what must be a confused look being he lets out a soft laugh. “So you can come out here even when it’s raining or snowing.”
My eyes mist over and I can’t help but lean over and allow my lips to graze over his.
He returns the kiss, just as softly before he pulls back and runs his hands through his hair. His face taking on a look of guilt that I don’t want to taint this space. “Don’t.” I say quietly. “We aren’t allowed to have serious conversations here, remember?”
I’ve been expecting this. Ace has been home for a long time now and every time the phone vibrates I think this is it, the moment he’s gotta leave again.
Ace snorts but he nods all the same before dragging me back into his arms. “Whatever you say Cricket.” We return to gazing out at the sun as it rises and when it’s fully crested I know that winter is fully upon us. Because even the bright rays aren’t chasing the blanket from my body.
Ace stands up first, stretching his muscular body before looking back and offering me his hand.
“We could just stay here, you know?” I say with a hopeful glance up at him. The half smile his lips tilt up in doesn’t transform into the full one I wanted. So I let out a long sigh and take his hand, allowing him to drag me to a standing position. Ace wraps me up with his arms, a soft kiss pressing to my forehead. “You have to leave don’t you?”
“Yeah Cricket.” He sounds defeated enough that I squeeze him extra hard, as though the hug can fix it all. “I don’t deserve you.” He huffs out against the hug.
I pull back, my eyes searching his face. “We’ve talked about this Ace.” When he doesn’t look at me, or agree, I cup his face with my hand forcing his attention and eyes onto me. “I didn’t lie to you Ace, when I said I wanted all of you. That includes your darkness. The man who wears that mask is one I love just as much as the man standing in front of me.”
He lets out a long sigh before he’s breaking our embrace and stepping back from me. He starts to pace back and forth, something I’ve noticed he does when he feels anxious. My therapist would say it's his nervous system's way of trying to self-soothe. Law had introduced me to her not long after Royce had been arrested. It had taken awhile for me to open up, but she was patient and willing to ride out my jitters around it. Now she can’t stop me from talking.
“I hate that I enjoy it so much.” He offers up, not stopping his movement. “Why do I still need it? I have you, I have Logan and Law. Fuck, we are safe. And yet I have this god damn itch that won’t go away.”
My heart hurts, watching him as he struggles. He carries this family, the caretaker in the background. I’m not even sure Logan and Law realize how much he holds for us. It’s not their fault but it's the truth none-the-less.
“FUCK!” He stops pacing, dropping to his knees in such a heartbreaking way that I launch myself at him. The cold ground biting through the jeans as I kneel in front of him.
“Ace…” I say softly. “Look at me.”
He raises his head slowly, eyes twinkling and at war with one another. I can see the battle he’s fighting and I hate that he feels like he even needs to fight it at all. I reach for his hands, clutching them with mine. “The mask is part of you and I love that part as much as the rest.” He snorts, shaking his head in disbelief. The movement snaps something in me, and when my palm connects with his face I’m just as shocked as he is.
“Did you just…. Slap me?”
I sit back on my heels with my jaw set. “Yes. You deserved it. You were trying to tell me my feelings were a lie.” My hand stings from the impact but I keep it laid carefully in my lap. “Ace Haven you aremyGrim Reaper. What part of that don’t you get?”
The words seem to snap something in my stepbrother because he’s on me in an instant, lips crashing into mine and hands claiming my body. We fall backwards against the slightly damp ground, his hands ripping at my shorts while my own tryto drag up his tshirt. It's messy and uncoordinated, lacking any and all control as we finally manage to strip one another.
