Page 13 of Heavy is the Crown
I can almost pretend I won’t feel guilty after this, that I won’t feel bad. That this, too, won’t turn into another badge I’ll have to wear that shows how inadequate I am. How unworthy I am of being loved. I hate these thoughts, hate how they have infested my brain. Deep down, I know that it's all a lie my demons have created in my head. Fighting the demons is so exhausting, and honestly, I’m just too fucking tired.
Drago finds me on the bathroom floor sometime later. Time has no meaning at this point. He cleans me up without a word. Maybe that's worse. I would rather him yell and rage at me. His acceptance of my faults makes me feel even more worthless. The pity in his eyes makes me want to pick up the razor again. On the surface, I hate Ciaran for tellinghimwhat has been happening,but I suppose I understand, deep down. I know he can’t keep looking after me while I’m like this, not after the deal he wasforced to make to get me out.It’s my fault so many others are suffering, because he had to agree to whatever Alexi asked of him.
He has an empire to topple, a father to kill, and I am just a constant reminder of a deal gone bad. Or, at least, that’s what the voices keep saying in my head.
The first few times he found me high, he was fine, but when he found me bleeding, he threatened to call Drago. So, it’s not a shock Drago has finally shown up. Now, Drago will be trapped in this cage with me. Yes, this home is lovely and far more comfortable than the aviary Alexi kept me in, but it’s still a cage. Still a place I’m trapped in, while those demons chew away at my sanity.
Drago sits down next to me, looping his hand through mine. “I won’t leave you,rakkaani.I’ll be here no matter what.”
His words, meant to comfort me, only fuel the guilt I hold onto. And the touch that is meant to keep me grounded only pushes me further away.
“You don’t have to keep coming back here, Shadow,” Ciaran says for the hundredth time, it feels like. Since finding out that Drago knew we were mates and the last time he picked me up after my breakdown, I’ve banished him from the penthouse. Again. Drago’s only statement was, he will find a way to make amends and that I have a home at his penthouse, should I need it. He even left a key for me, despite knowing I can get in regardless. A symbolic reminder that I always have a home with him.
Ciaran didn’t argue when I told him my stepbrother was no longer welcome here, but he continues to argue against me returning to the prison to work with him. Truth be told, Idon’t know why I can’t walk away, everything in me should be screaming to leave that place behind, but there is a pull in my chest that won’t stop, and when I think of never returning, it physically hurts.
I swipe my hand through my hair, forgetting that I shaved it down. The short ends feeling odd between my fingers. “I get it, it seems weird, but something in me refuses to let me leave that place.” I pause and look him over. “And you need help taking down your father.”
He snorts. “I don’t need help.” But I can see it, the exhaustion that is creeping in on him. A darkness that has slowly taken over my friend and seems to be weighing him down. He cannot continue to bring innocents to his father and expect his soul to remain intact. Which, maybe, is the key difference between us. I lost my soul long ago; now, all that's left is a rotting wound where it should reside.
“Ciaran, I can’t stay here. I’ll lose my mind.” He looks me over, his blond hair braided back and sides shaved, showing off the runes tattooed delicately on his skull. He looks like he wants to keep arguing, but when he goes to open his mouth again, he just shakes his head.
“Fine,” he relents. “You can help, but Shadow . . .” He pauses, uncertainty in his face. “I can’t lose you. I can’t do this all on my own, so if the prison becomes too much, you tell me. I would rather have you here and safe.”
My body sags in relief. That space in my chest is loosening just a bit. I nod my head, despite knowing I’ll never tell him if I’m struggling.
Maybe you’re just excited to go back to a space that could kill you.My dragon may have said it, but it wasn’t far off from my own thoughts. I may not be actively trying to die, but I have no issue allowing it to happen, should the time come.
Ciaran moves toward me, backing me into the wall. Flashes of Drago move through my mind, when he’s crowded into me before. “That wasn’t convincing enough. You do anything stupid, Shadow, I will drag you back from the afterlife myself. Or if I even get a hint of you doing something risky, I will pull you so fast and have Drago lock you up until we can get you help.”
My eyes narrow. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Fucking try me,” he snarls.
“You don’t control death,” I snap.
He laughs, the sound of it hollow as he pushes away from me and walks toward the windows. “You have no idea what I control, or who I know,” he mutters. “Believe me, Shadow, I won’t let you die.”
The words hold such a finality that I cannot argue against them. So, I simply stay quiet while my friend looks over his city.
SEVEN
Alexi Helvig has been taking witches from the streets. More and more disappear, yet it is unclear why he broke the treaty. Even after we gave him the Carmine witch.
– Mori Family Grimoire
Ava
Two hundred and thirty-six hours, that is how long I've been in this box. Nine whole days. I’ve kept track by scratching into the walls with a rock. I can’t be sure how long I was in the other one; I didn’t think to keep track until too much time had passed. I don’t want to make the same mistake by forgetting to track now, even if it is depressing as fuck.
To be fair, it’s a nicer box than the one I was previously housed in. This one has a mattress with only a handful of stains and a wool blanket. At one point, the scratchy piece of material was green, but the stains on it have turned it a brown color that if looked at too long appears vomit toned. This box also has a window, though bars cover it. The one before was just a concretecage, no mattress or blanket or view. And it’s the view that has kept me grounded, that grove of trees calling to me endlessly. On the nights I can’t keep the tears at bay, I stare longingly at those evergreens. The scent of those trees and just beyond provides a soothing balm to my soul.
I’ve heard mention that a beast used to live in the grove, in a cage made of steel and iron and bone. I have never seen the great creature, but I have dreams of one coming to rescue me. Molten lava pours from its mouth as it burns away the bars that keep me here. Its great roar shatters the stone walls, and its teeth rip apart my captors. We fly away, its great black wings lifting us far from this place. Sometimes, a skeletal beast joins us.
It’s laughable that I’m dreaming of a beast to take me away, given the powers I hold on my own. I have been tempted to tap into that great well of power I hold, but once I do, there will be no mistaking who I am. Or what I am. And I cannot allow that to happen. Despite hating Hell, I can’t risk my brother. Despite Hell being, well,Hell, there are good people there. My people, and I won’t allow them to suffer because of my decision to run away. So, instead, I daydream of being rescued by great winged beasts.
Letting out a long sigh, I drag myself away from my daydream.If my brother could see me now, he would hardly believe how far I've fallen.My heart stutters a bit thinking about him, a deep ache settling in my chest. I miss him. Despite knowing he was so similar to my father in the end, I can’t help but miss him. We have the same dirty blonde hair and deep silver eyes that mark us as royalty. When I was first brought here, I worried my eyes would give me away, but no one seems to have any idea what they mean.
Dropping down into the bed, I go to pull the scratchy blanket over me when the door to my box swings open. I don’t flinch. I have never flinched, and I refuse to start now. I stare at thevampire who has barged in, my eyebrow raised in question. His cheeks flush red in anger at my obvious disregard for him. This guard in particular hates that he can’t inspire fear into me. Something none of these assholes have learned yet is it takes a lot to intimidate the princess of Hell. They can torture me and feed on me, but they can’t break me. I won’tletthem break me.
